Do not all charms fly
At the touch of cold philosophy?
Philosophy will clip an Angel’s wings,
Conquer all mysteries by rule and line,
Empty the haunted air, and gnomed mine –
Unweave a rainbow…

So wrote John Keats. As many idealists and romanticists have done ever since, Keats was putting on his Smock of True Art, levelling his pistol at the ‘cold unfeeling heart’ of science and plugging away.

Once upon a time, many years back, I probably would have leant to the side of Keats. In fact, to this day I sympathise with Keats, and I understand, as only someone who has been on both sides of the fence can, his fear and from whence it comes.

But these days I disagree in a most profound way with his assessment that philosophy (by which he means science in keeping with the manner of his time), “empties the haunted air” by “unweaving the rainbow”.

See, the mistake that Keats makes, and one that I very nearly made in a desire not to lose a sense of mystery from my life, is to think that the intent of science is to explain everything, and by inference, trivilalise it; to pit the marvels of the universe against the measure of man. This is a view of science that is fundamentally and seriously wrong.

Science, as practiced by real scientists, is a tool with which we can examine the universe and make assessments that are not based on the way we would like it to be but on the way that it tells us it is. This is one of the most rigorous intellectual and philosophical challenges that any human can undertake. Religion can’t do it, art doesn’t feel the need to do it, and capital ‘P’ Philosophy sits on the fence. Only science seeks to look squarely at the truth and endure its harsh blows.

In a private email about my recent post on homeopathy, a correspondent suggested that I was ‘narrow-minded’ in my view. I explained that to the contrary, my open-mindedness about homeopathy was what convinced me it was bogus; I once used to think that it should be considered as a complementary medicine (and yes, I even used it myself), but my wide reading about it, my willingness to entertain both sides of the argument, was what led me to doubt its efficacy. I still read about research into homeopathic claims. If someone can give me some substantiation that homeopathy works in the manner in which it is suggested that it does, I promise I will change my mind. But you see, so far no-one has been able to do this. The support for homeopathy is anecdotal and diffuse and minimal at best.

On the other hand, if I want to demonstrate that clonal science effectively keeps millions of people healthy every day, it is a trivial exercise.

Is this any less marvellous, just because we understand exactly why it works?

Keats, like many artists, was afraid that science would strip our world and our lives of mystery. If he had been willing to spend a little bit of his time with science, he might have discovered, as so many scientists have, that the deeper you look into the universe, the more mysterious it becomes.

This does not mean that we need to invoke supernatural beings like gods and demons to explain it. It just puts us in mind of the one thing of which we should always be aware: we are tiny parts of an extraordinarily complex machine of which we know so very little. Only hubris in the form of bad science or bad religion even attempts to suggest that we can understand it all.

And if you want mysteries, try these:

★Why does the number phi (1.61803399…) appear in so many seemingly unrelated places, from plant structure to the event horizons of black holes?

★Where is your conscious self? Where does it go when you fall asleep?

★Why do we dream?

★Would the universe exist if we weren’t here to see it?

★Why do alcoholic drinks retain their aroma longer than non-alcoholic drinks?

★Is the string of numbers in pi completely random forever?

★Will the internet ever become sentient? Would we even know if it did?

★How does memory work?

★Why do normal body cells go berserk and multiply out of control in cancers?

★Why is it that some people can be hypnotized not to feel pain, and some people can’t?

No-one knows the answers to these questions. It is possible that someday, we might know something of some of them. But then again, we might not. The crucial thing to understand is that by asking questions about these things, we don’t diminish ourselves, or our dreams. Of one thing you can be sure: for every question we answer, another two will arise.

Ah, Faithful Acowlites! Welcome to 2006. And what more fitting a way to ring in the New Year could I choose than a post about penis size? And not just any penises. We’ve spared no expense and today we’re going to be talking Historical Celebrity Penis Wars.

But I’m getting ahead of myself; let’s start at the beginning. This morning, Nurse Myra, ever on the alert for penis opportunities forwarded me this Important Information from ‘Haltungverbund’:

From: Haltungverbund
Subject: Make your penis visible through your pants.

Have y0ur heard of Erotic Museam in St. Petersburg? After t@k1ng our Viril1ty Patch RX, your dick can be exhibited there as the biggest penis ever.

Make your penis visible through your pants. Our Virility Patch RX can make your penis amazingly huge.

There is a number of medical conditions that affect penis size. These are evident at birth and may require medical intervention.

But there is only one way to fight a small penis. And it’s called Virility Patch RX.

Oh, the mirth.

Well, Haltungverbund had one up on me though – I didn’t know there was an Erotic Museam in St Petersbug, so I looked it up! Yep, there it was: ‘The very first Russian Museum of Erotica’ established by the Head Physician of the Prostate Center of The Russian Academy of Sciences, Igor Knyazkin. ((Source: Pravda – “St. Petersburg to host the first Museum of Erotica in Russia”))

“I want Russia to be a civilized country that looks into the future and has a correct vision of erotica,” stated Knyazkin to the Nezavisimaya Gazette.”

Which is, after all, an admirable goal. An uncivilized Russia looking backwards into the past with an incorrect vision of erotica defies imagination.

To this end, the exhibit that Knyazkin has chosen to symbolize this forward-looking civilized erotic Russia is, quite logically, Grigori Rasputin’s preserved penis.

“Having such unique item on display, we can stop envying America that treasures Napoleon Bonaparte’s reproductive organ,” states Knyazkin. “In 1970s, Napoleon’s genitals have been sold to an American urologist at an auction for $4000 USD. Napoleon’s private part however is just a mere pod in comparison to our 30cm long organ.” ((Did anyone else know this international-scale penis-envy was going on? So that’s what the Cuban Missile Crisis was really about. ))

Yeah, take that you Yankee pigdogs with yer petite and undoubtedly gay Froggy penis. ((Dr. Knyazkin has also managed to acquire a gold-plated box containing the genitals of Joan of Arc. If I’d known there was such a trade in the reproductive organs of Historical Personages I’d have paid a lot more attention in history classes (I’ll trade you Genghis Khan’s foreskin for… Anne of Cleves’ nipples and a snuff box full of Rene Descartes’ pubic hair…)))

Yep, that thing that the pretty girl is looking at in the picture, is supposed to be Rasputin’s penis. Here’s a picture on Flickr of another pretty girl looking at it. ((I’m sorry if I’ve infringed anyone’s copyright here, but I hope you’ll agree it’s in everybody’s interest that these photographs are bought to the attention of the world.))

I don’t even want to speculate what these girls might be thinking, but I do wonder if they were there on the same day that Rasputin’s great grandson John Nekmerson visited the St. Petersburg museum. On viewing his ancestor’s pickled part Mr Nekmerson exclaimed, “This is really it, I’ve got the same one!”

He evidently has no need of Haltungverbund’s RX Virility Patch.

Which brings us back to Haltungverbund’s original email and allows us to make a few important observations:

1: If you want to exhibit your dick at the St Petersburg Museum of Erotica, then this surely implies that you need to be separated from it so they can put it in a jar for photographs. Sorry Haltungverbund, I’m not interested in this.

2: The Russians have taken Haltungverbund’s suggestion that “there is only one way to fight a small penis” on board and are countering with their Mad Monk’s Monster Member. Come on Yankees! Are you going to defend your title with the Coquettish Cock of a Cropped Corsican? Surely Lanky Abe Lincoln’s Lengthy Lingam will stand up for you! Or is the Cold War still at work on your nether regions?

3: It’s actually a simple matter to have your penis visible through your pants if that’s really something you desire: just wear cheesecloth pants. This might not count as high fashion, but if visibility is what you seek, and your name is John Nekmerson, none of the girls are going to be looking at the pants.

Happy New Year! S Novim Godom! Bonne Année!

Welcome to 2006!

The Continuing Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#9: The Confined Space.

And as we bid farewell to 2005, we discover Simple Graphics Man has still not come to grips with the fact that The Chainsaw is his natural enemy. One is forced to speculate what it is, exactly, that he was intending to do in an empty basement with a chainsaw anyway.

Could this be curtains for our intrepid hero? Will he get out in time to see the New Year’s Eve fireworks? And indeed, if he does, is that really such a good idea for someone with his aptitude for technology?

And again thanks to Radioactive Jam for discovering the confluence of SGM and chainsaws.

I really love the Chinese game of Mahjongg, a beautifully simple, elegant and peaceful game that has a complex history, a grand tradition and is played widely to this day across the world. Mahjongg was introduced to the West in the 1920s via America.

My dad, who knows nothing about Mahjongg, but knows I love it, gave me this beautiful set for Christmas. He picked it up at a local market and was entirely unsure of its value or even if the game was intact. By doing a search on some faint text on the box I was able to determine that it is an English version made in the early 1920s by the Chad Valley Mahjongg Company. It is complete except for dice and counters which are not crucial and are easily substituted. There is a delightful ‘hand-made’ quality about the set and it speaks of an age where machines did not spew things out with rigorous precision and in vast quantities.

The tiles in the picture above are, from left to right:

The five of Bamboo (or Sticks), the East Wind, The Red Dragon, the seven of Circles (or Coins, or Dots) and the seven of Characters (or Numbers, or Cracks).

Spam Observations #21

Nicholas Malone wrote to me today with some cheery Christmas News. I’m touched that Nicholas took some minutes off on his holiday break to think of me. I completely forgot to send him anything.

From: BHZLFTW@gslahr.og.bw.schule.de
Subject: ModernBill
Date: 27 December 2005 11:56:50 PM

-Sensattional revolution in meedicine!

-E-nlarge your p-enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches!

-It’s herbal solution what hasn’t side effect, but has 100% guaranteed results!

-Don’t loose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!

Did you spot it?: “what hasn’t side effect“…

Well, he’s lying isn’t he? One obvious side effect is that it completely fucks up your spelling, your typing and your grammar. He quite evidently plays loose and fast with the truth (let alone with the chances).

So despite the Christmassy fact that his name is Nicholas it’s gonna be a cold day in Hell before I let him anywhere near my p-enis.*

*Not that I’m suggesting in any way that I’d be letting Santa play with my p-enis, you understand. Unless he was a she and he looked, oh, something like this.

All this has been rendered superfluous by my special Christmas Shotgun.

Rudolph ain’t never gonna join in any more reindeer games.

A very Merry Yuletide to all readers of The Cow. I know that most of you are only getting lumps of coal from Santa this year, but hey, I always thought a few measly presents under a tree was short payment on an entire year of being nice anyway.

I suspect that none of you are going to be any less naughty in 2006.

But of course, you know by now that I’d much rather have it that way. Thank you all for you wit, wisdom, humour and friendship over this last year. You have made my blog a great enjoyment to me and I hope it has given you half the entertainment and food-for-thought it has given me.

Now, off to bed with you all, and have visions of sugarplums or else.

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