Tetherd Cow Ahead

Sun 27 Aug 2006

Water on the Brain

Posted by anaglyph under Hokum, Religion, Science, Skeptical Thinking
[8] Comments

The Battle of the Magic Waters

SCENE 1: Int. fancy modern office. Day.

DAVID COPPERFIELD, famed stage magician, is talking to his agent on the phone.

DAVID (angry):

Whaddya mean Madonna’s got magic water? She’s a pop star for crying out loud! What does she know about magic?

(Offscreen sound of agent through phone filter)

DAVID (steam coming out ears):

Oh yeah, is that so? Well I’ll show her!

SCENE 2: Ext. The Copperfield helipad, Bahamas. Day.

DAVID climbs from his chopper and strides purposefully to his waiting limo.

DAVID (under his breath):

Does she have any idea who she’s dealing with?

SCENE 3: Copperfield Private Island in the Exuma Chain. Day.

DAVID is dropping DEAD LEAVES into a fountain. His beautiful assistant LOURDES sits nearby.

DAVID:

Do you see that? Do you see? The dead leaves are ALIVE again! ALIVE, do you hear me! The water from the fountain is RESTORING THEM TO LIFE. I have discovered THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH here on this private island that I bought for $50 million dollars. What an astounding coincidence that I, DAVID COPPERFIELD, World Famous Illusionist, should be the one to find the SECRET OF ETERNAL LIFE! It’s truly amazing that no peasant farmer has stumbled across this MIRACULOUS FOUNTAIN!

LOURDES (smiling adoringly at DAVID):

David, do that thing with the handkerchiefs again. I love it when you do that.

___________________________________________________________________________

Sigh. Yes it’s true. David Copperfield thinks he’s discovered the Fountain of Youth on his private Island in the Bahamas. I swear, I could sit here for a week and never come up with stuff as bizarre as this. What happens with these people? They make untold wealth and then their brains just fall out? Or maybe I’m being generous in attributing brains to them in the first place.

My thanks to Fighting For Science where I discovered this new worrying example of a world gone mad. Go visit them and tell them The Cow sent you.

Sat 26 Aug 2006

Dear Sister Veronica (#1)

Posted by anaglyph under Sister Veronica
[5] Comments

Sis Veronica

Dear Sister Veronica,

Do you live with Reverend Anaglyph in his house? Do you think he will ever post an entry about his Mysterious Corner ever again?

You are so hot,

Michael

Hey Michael!!! Props!

OMG I think U must be a PiScEs, rite???!!! Coz PiScEs is the St@r sIgN of CURIOSITY + MYSTERY *wink*….. I think U kno what I mean… LOL!!!

Now U R as BAD as PrOwL3r – tryign 2 find out where I live!! *blush*……. wot would tha R3v3r3nd think!! He is SUCH a kind man, and alwayz haz pl3nty of fluffy white towels 4 me! LOL!

As 4 **Mysteriouz Korner**, he tellz me that there is a surprize coming up SOON!!!! OMG I can HARDLY WAIT!!!!!

I know U REALLY wrote to find out your St@Rz 4 this week, am I rite?? Well, looking at yr ch@rt I see ***LOTS*** of â˜†â˜†â˜†RoMaNcEâ˜†â˜†â˜† heading yr way *wink*…. but coz Pluto is in the ascend@nt, and its, like, NOT A PLANET anymore, watch out 4 ppl who R NOT what they seem!!!!!

Also this w33k, yr lucky numb3r is 23 ** and yr lucky color is GREEN!! ** and yr lucky vegetable is TURNIP!!!

Yorz Trooooly…

XOXOXOXOX

Fri 25 Aug 2006

XI – The Nine Situations

Posted by anaglyph under Cats, Philosophy, Scary
[6] Comments

Stalking

The Art of (Cat) War #2 – Contentious Ground:

Be careful when reaching into dark or enclosed spaces.

Fri 25 Aug 2006

Due Process Is a Bullet*

Posted by anaglyph under Spam Observations
1 Comment

Big John

Spam Observations #30

My feiend Jacquelyn wrote to me this morning with this offer:

Dear client.
You crave to shoot like a film starâ€¦?
Tonight youâ€™ll prove your volume!

I sent off immediately!

___________________________________________________________________________

*Or: Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Wed 23 Aug 2006

Friends of Yours?

Posted by anaglyph under Spam Observations
[5] Comments

Spam Observations #29

Over the last week, my inbox has been assaulted by numerous variations on the following:

From Marshall:

Tyson verbalized to me that you probably discovered about the deal on losing those extra pds, my time has been taken up with this schedule, that has been consulting me lose my spare tire. Burton and me have been on this therapy

From Louise:

Darrell spoken to me that you presumably heard about the knowledge on living a fuller, better life, I have been so busy on this diet, that has been assisting me get back in how I was in college. Jerome and me have been on this program

From Rupert:

Lolita verbalized to me that you probably discovered about the news on making those calories work for you, just wanted you to hear about the new program, that has been guiding me shed those xtra pds. Florine and me have been on this therapy

Marshall, Tyson, Burton, Louise, Darrell, Jerome, Rupert, Lolita, Florine. Who the hell are all these fat people and why are they bothering me?

Tue 22 Aug 2006

Nuclear Material Girl

Posted by anaglyph under Hokum, Religion, Science, Skeptical Thinking, Stupidity, Technology
[12] Comments

I remember reading an interview with Madonna some years back in which she claimed that she had given up all the wacky belief systems she’d been into and now had taken up Kabbalah. ‘Cos, like, that’s not a wacky belief system, right?

So of course she wouldn’t endorse some loopy scheme involving pouring ‘blessed’ water into lakes polluted with nuclear waste to ‘cleanse’ them, right?

And she wouldn’t be lobbying the British Government to approve the scheme, right?

Yes, loyal Acowlytes, I can see that you’ve grasped the rhetorical nature of those questions. Madonna is indeed trying to persuade government officials that enchanted magic water will eliminate the problem of radioactive contamination.

Here’s a quote from Madonna in which she casually attempts to hint that, in spite of what we all thinks she spends her days doing, she’s actually been hangin’ out with the geek crowd:

“I mean, one of the biggest problems that exists right now in the world is nuclear waste,” she said. “That’s something I’ve been involved with for a while with a group of scientists – finding a way to neutralise radiation, believe it or not.”

Yep, Madonna has been beavering away behind the scenes in the lab with her egg-head homies solving all the world’s problems while you have been doing what? Just pirating her mp3s and dropping E, I’ll wager.

It occurs to me that there is a scientific equation that can be solved here. Madonna is rich and, with very little acumen about just how it might be done, wants to save the world. On the other side of the plus sign, the Steorn crackpots are looking for gullible air-heads with plenty of spare cash. If only someone would put them together – then they might amuse one another for years and eventually disappear up each other’s magnetic vortex.

You know, I really hate to admit it, but in light of all this I have really developed a new respect for Bill Gates.

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