The Sky Orchestra

This morning at dawn in the city of Sydney, before the espresso machines of Leichhardt had sputtered into life, Violet Towne, HeWhoHears, Kezza and The Reverend headed off towards the Western Suburbs to witness the launch of the 2007 Festival of Sydney with a performance of Luke Jerram‘s beautiful Sky Orchestra.

Yes, we really did get up at 5am.

Words simply don’t meet the task of describing the wonder of seeing and hearing these seven hot-air balloons rise into the light of the rising sun, and drift off across suburbia singing their haunting songs.

Sky Orchestra over Suburbia

All I can say is that if you ever get a chance to see this inspiring work, make every effort to do so. You won’t be disappointed. Luke Jerram is a genius. I’ve said as much before, and I see no reason to change my opinion.

Well Acowlytes, now that the champagne bottles are all empty and the smoky scent of perchlorate is fading from the night air, let me stagger from my darkened cloister to wish you all the Very Best Things for 2007.

I fear that some of you may still be suffering from the effects of overindulgence, so as a Tetherd Cow Ahead Public Service allow me to offer up some hangover remedies from the esteemed The Daily Lush.

But just in case your constitution is even more fragile than usual, a quick precis:

•The Mexicans think menudo is a good idea: a soup concocted from cow’s stomachs, including (if you’re lucky) the animal’s last meal.

•In Ancient Rome, a fried canary was the go. Or if not, raw owl’s eggs. Feeling better?

•Mongolians like to clear their heads with sheep’s eyeballs in tomato juice.

•Chimney sweeps in Olde London Town swept out the cobwebs in their heads with soot milkshakes. Mmmmmm.

So onward and upward into 2007! Happy New Year one and all!

An ineluctable ritual of the ticking over of the new year is the scramble by ‘psychics’ to predict a bunch of things that are going to happen in the year ahead. You may have seen Sylvia Browne throwing her hat in the ring recently with a whole bunch of waffly crap like ‘There are going to be some tornadoes somewhere’ and ‘Jennifer Lopez might be pregnant’. Here at The Cow, we believe that if you’re going to do some predictin’ then you ought to stand on your principles for God’s sake, and be specific.

So, seeing as Sister Veronica has been indisputably accurate with her horoscoping talents in this respect, I thought she might like to give the ol’ clairvoyance a shot. OK babe, take it away! Give us five predictions for 2007!

Sister Veronica Predicts



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OK Revrend! OMG my psychik PoWeRs r totally vibed 2day!!!!!! i feel like i can see the future klearer than a plazma tv!! LOL!!! k. Lets Go-o-o-o-o-o-o!

1. Those clever d00ds at Apple are going 2 start selling a fone! ANd not just any old fone – it will be SO COOL that evryone will want 1!!!! I want 1 and it hasnt even been releasd yet!!!!!

2. At the OSCARS the BEST PICTURE this year will b THE DEPARTED. It is crap but it will still win… LOL!!!

3. Holy Cow!!!!!! Stay AWAY from Peru! The earth is going 2 move for them in August and kill 512 people! Thos poor things….

4. U no I am into ASTROLOGY and so I will tell U that: On April 24 – a planet like oo- Earth!!! will b discovered in the constellation Libra (the scales). It will be called Gliese 581 c (which is NOT v. catchy IMO). But it will.

5. In Japan some archeoligists will find a 2,100 year-old melon. I dont think it will taste 2 good :-b

PS – If u think 2007 is random wait for 2008! OMG!!! The U$ of A is going 2 get a BLACK PRESIDENT!!!! I no!! Sounds impossbile but my krystal b@ll DOES NOT LIE!! Also, hang on 2 yr money$$$ – there iz going 2 B a BIG BANK CRA$H in October!!! Disaster!!! :-(

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There we have it peeps. Sister Veronica has predicted. We’ll check in a years time to see how she did. I’m feeling pretty confident…

In His Own Image

In His Own Image

The Victim



Pitka cast a world-weary eye over the shabby hotel mezzanine. He was still half asleep. Someone put a coffee in his hand. Jesus H. Christ what a mess. No blood, but broken glass, ash, soot and tinsel everywhere.

The hotel had seen better days, but the mezzanine, with its comfortable-looking armchairs and fireplace, would have continued as a cosy and inviting little refuge from the New York freeze. A few embers remained in the grate.

A Christmas tree lay sprawled across the room, baubles scattered on the carpet, some smashed into glittering shards. A coarse hessian sack spilled brightly wrapped and beribboned packages down the mezzanine steps into the lobby proper.

The fat guy in the charred Santa suit lay smouldering in the middle of the floor, tangled in Christmas tree lights that were still flashing. Little wisps of smoke curled off his scorched flesh.

“Can someone turn those off for God’s sake?” Pitka rubbed his eyes. “What’s all the spilled liquid?”

Goldman was picking something out of the corpse’s white beard with tweezers.

“Milk,” she said.

Of course. He stooped to peer at little pellets of something spread across the hearth.

“These?”

She looked up, and then to where he was pointing.

“Some kind of animal droppings. Herbivore.”

“You’re not going to tell me that they’re reindeer.”

“Only if you want me to, sir.”

“Hmmm. So. Electrocution, then?”

“No. He was tied up with the lights after he died. And then they were switched on. I can’t be entirely certain until I see some lab results but I’m thinking he was poisoned. His skin is overly florid and there are crumbs of this in his beard.”

She handed him a transparent plastic evidence bag. It contained what looked like the remains of a small raspberry & cream tart.

“Smell it.”

Pitka unzipped the seal on the bag and immediately noted the unmistakeable and curiously appealing delicate scent of bitter almond. He nodded.

“Any ID?” he asked, of no-one in particular.

Morrison appeared at his elbow.

“None on the body, chief. No-one in the hotel knows who he is. There was only a desk clerk on duty and he was apparently…” he looked at his notebook “…’having a quiet drink with his girlfriend…’ in one of the unoccupied rooms.”

Pitka sighed. He looked at his watch. 5.15 am. Christmas Day.

An unidentified corpse in a hotel lobby. An unidentified perp. No immediately apparent motive. No witnesses. What were the chances that anyone was going to come forward to identify this guy over the holidays?

He stepped outside and lit a cigarette. It was still dark. A light snow swirled down through the streetlights.

Reindeer droppings?

Somewhere, in a house further off down the street, a kid started to cry.

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