Words


The Victim



Pitka cast a world-weary eye over the shabby hotel mezzanine. He was still half asleep. Someone put a coffee in his hand. Jesus H. Christ what a mess. No blood, but broken glass, ash, soot and tinsel everywhere.

The hotel had seen better days, but the mezzanine, with its comfortable-looking armchairs and fireplace, would have continued as a cosy and inviting little refuge from the New York freeze. A few embers remained in the grate.

A Christmas tree lay sprawled across the room, baubles scattered on the carpet, some smashed into glittering shards. A coarse hessian sack spilled brightly wrapped and beribboned packages down the mezzanine steps into the lobby proper.

The fat guy in the charred Santa suit lay smouldering in the middle of the floor, tangled in Christmas tree lights that were still flashing. Little wisps of smoke curled off his scorched flesh.

“Can someone turn those off for God’s sake?” Pitka rubbed his eyes. “What’s all the spilled liquid?”

Goldman was picking something out of the corpse’s white beard with tweezers.

“Milk,” she said.

Of course. He stooped to peer at little pellets of something spread across the hearth.

“These?”

She looked up, and then to where he was pointing.

“Some kind of animal droppings. Herbivore.”

“You’re not going to tell me that they’re reindeer.”

“Only if you want me to, sir.”

“Hmmm. So. Electrocution, then?”

“No. He was tied up with the lights after he died. And then they were switched on. I can’t be entirely certain until I see some lab results but I’m thinking he was poisoned. His skin is overly florid and there are crumbs of this in his beard.”

She handed him a transparent plastic evidence bag. It contained what looked like the remains of a small raspberry & cream tart.

“Smell it.”

Pitka unzipped the seal on the bag and immediately noted the unmistakeable and curiously appealing delicate scent of bitter almond. He nodded.

“Any ID?” he asked, of no-one in particular.

Morrison appeared at his elbow.

“None on the body, chief. No-one in the hotel knows who he is. There was only a desk clerk on duty and he was apparently…” he looked at his notebook “…’having a quiet drink with his girlfriend…’ in one of the unoccupied rooms.”

Pitka sighed. He looked at his watch. 5.15 am. Christmas Day.

An unidentified corpse in a hotel lobby. An unidentified perp. No immediately apparent motive. No witnesses. What were the chances that anyone was going to come forward to identify this guy over the holidays?

He stepped outside and lit a cigarette. It was still dark. A light snow swirled down through the streetlights.

Reindeer droppings?

Somewhere, in a house further off down the street, a kid started to cry.

Observed on a commuter train this morning:

A girl with streaked crimson hair is sitting next to a girl listening to music on an iPod…

Girl with crimson hair: Hey Inez, you know those guys at work who are on floor 3, well they were at that party the other night and they said they know Wayne and Kim and they are going to go to the club on Thursday so we should go with.

Girl with iPod earbuds firmly in place: What?

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I thought I might share with you all some search queries that have arrived at my blog.† Some of these I can understand. Some are disturbingly kinky. Some are so baffling that I try not to think too much about them.

Verbatim:

•man having sex with cow

•wife porn

•lordi+eurovision song contest+itunes

•batteries taste like happiness

•penguin burger recipe

•sunny delight drink cow sperm

•aliens hump their self videos

•cow sound

•free cow sex movies

•cows taking over the world

•things that rhyme with cow

•cow pond

•see him squirt on a cow

•women looking for sex on the side

•500ad-800ad

•humpback whales + the big bang theory

•explanation for the existence of dreams

•cream pie jpeg

•battle of cow pews report

Batteries taste like happiness? Aliens hump their self videos? Wha? Are these people on crack?

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*Just so if anyone searches for psychomanteum they will end up here. What? You don’t know what one is? Well then…‡

†I have omitted ‘Wondercum’. It accounts for more than all the other searches put together but still, somehow, it seems kinda… predictable…

‡How I love the self-referential loop…

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Magic Book

For reasons with which none of you should really concern yourselves just now*, I had cause last evening to be looking through one of my books on Black Magic†. I discovered these two gems which I thought it was only fair I should share:

To find out if a girl is still a virgin:

Pulverise some lily pollen, and find an opportunity of making her swallow it without knowing, for example at a table in some dish. If she is no longer a virgin she will be seized with an irresistible urge to urinate.

Now this sounds like a pretty good party trick, right fellas? I don’t find myself at tables full of virgins very often these days, so I think the lily pollen method is likely to result in a sudden rush for the lady’s room. This can only be a source of mirth.

If you don’t get caught.

An outcome which is much more likely while attempting the next piece of hocus pocus:

To know a woman’s most intimate secrets:

Take a live toad, pull its tongue out and throw the toad back into the water. Put this tongue on the woman’s heart while she is still asleep and she will talk and answer all your questions.

(Second method: take a pigeon’s heart and a toad’s head, dry them and reduce them to a powder which you must sprinkle lightly over the stomach of the sleeping woman. The effect will be the same).

OK. So, aside from the possible animal cruelty issues, there are a number of hurdles that I can see:

•Finding a toad ~ Toads are not plentiful in my neighbourhood, although I guess if you’re in Queensland it’s not such a biggie.

•Tearing its tongue out ~ Now, I really haven’t had reason to try this, but it doesn’t sound too easy to me. You know, “Yeah, just pull its tongue out” like when someone says “Yeah, just make sure you keep all three chainsaws in the air as the kitten exits your left hand…”

•Taking out a pigeon’s heart ~ It doesn’t say whether you’re supposed to rip out the heart and throw the pigeon back into the air, but going on the toad instructions, one must assume something like this would be required. That’s likely to be fairly messy.

•Finding a sleeping woman ~ Chance would be a fine thing.

•Putting sundry animal bits on sleeping woman without waking her up ~ Also, taking them off afterwards. Otherwise, in the morning she wonders where the hell all the rancid-smelling dust came from and… eeeww, blecch… is that a slug…??? (Ooh, er, no dear, that looks like a toad’s tongue to me…) Oh, that’s alright then.

This book has much, much more. I just know you’re all itching to find out how to make an homunculus. And then what to do with one once you have.

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*All I’m going to say at this stage is ‘Spammers Beware!’

†Yes, I have more than one. And I own a black cat. ph33r m3!

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Insincerity Thumb Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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Book Review: The Secret of Scent: Adventures in Perfume and the Science of Smell by Luca Turin.

Hey! What’s this? A book review on The Cow? I thought you didn’t do that kind of thing. It must be a very special book…

Oh yes, it truly is.

Secret of Scent Cover

Those of you who have been long-time readers of The Cow (or who have browsed the Perfume category) know already about my interest in the field of perfume and scent. You might even remember that I have mentioned previously the name of Luca Turin in reference to Chandler Burr’s The Emperor of Scent, a book that elevated Turin from esoteria into the relative mainstream of that very successful contemporary publishing niche ‘Popular Science’.

In that book, Burr went some way towards illuminating a radical idea by Turin that challenges the conventional scientific wisdom behind the perplexing mystery of how we smell things.

Now, Turin turns his hand at telling his story in his own words. And what beautiful words he has at his command. I think it would be almost impossible for any reader of this book not to be infected by Turin’s obvious passion for scent. Here, let me just snip out a bit at random* (he’s talking about his first experience with Shiseido’s Nombre Noir):

The fragrance itself was, and still is, a radical surprise. A perfume, like the timbre of a voice, can say something quite independent of the words actually spoken. What Nombre Noir said was ‘flower’. But the way it said it was an epiphany. The flower at the core of Nombre Noir was halfway between a rose and a violet, but without a trace of the sweetness of either, set instead against an austere, almost saintly background of cigar-box cedar notes. At the same time it wasn’t dry, and seemed to be glistening with a liquid freshness that made its deep colours glow like a stained-glass window.

I don’t know about you, but I really want to smell this right now. Turin’s words swirl and bound and cavort on the page. He can barely conceal his verve and great enthusiasm for perfume and his need to make your nose plead to just have one tiny hint of that scent. More than once the visual and even aural images are so strong that I found myself wondering if Turin isn’t at least a little synaesthetic.

And Turin spins his tale in the manner in which you could infer he might design a beguiling perfume, beginning with an immediate and alluring top note that entrances the reader with a flitting precis of perfumes and perfumery, drawing you deeper into the secondary notes of how individual fragrance families are related to one another and then finally settling into the real substance of the drydown – his controversial hypothesis about how scent is detected by our olfactory organs.

It has to be said that when the story gets to this stage it doesn’t exactly make for light reading, as eloquent and illuminating as Turin is. You do need some science to get through. Refreshingly (as far as I’m concerned anyway) Turin doesn’t talk down to his (presumably) lay audience. He makes the science as easy to understand as I suspect anyone could, and rapidly moves on through his ideas. But you need to keep in mind that this is a big concept; he’s challenging an entire branch of science, and accordingly, the rationale for investments of billions of dollars by the huge perfume companies. If pictures of molecular structure and the big broad brushstrokes of grand thinking scare you, he’ll leave you behind.

Behind is not where you want to be though; this is the kind of thinking that needs to be wholeheartedly embraced. Turin thinks, in my opinion, how scientists ought to think, but often don’t. He collates information from obscure sources, re-examines decades-old research with new computer tools, reads what other scientists have speculated, riffing and elaborating on their ideas, and jumps to and fro across his subject with breathtaking flashes of insight. And, most of all, he quite literally follows his nose. When he says that boranes – big molecule chemicals used mostly in rocket fuels (and which are famously so olfactorily debilitating that scientists keep them in complicated corrales of glass tubing and sealed beakers) – smell like sulphur†, you know that he didn’t just take someone’s word for it.‡

It might be of some advantage, if you’re not already familiar with Turin’s work and his theory, to read Burr’s earlier account before you embark on this book. It probably does help make some of the more esoteric stuff (Do we have some kind of spectroscope in our noses?) a little easier to fathom, and also gives a good basis for understanding where Turin fits in the scheme of things. Even so, Turin’s journey is not too difficult to follow, and his sheer delight in his subject certainly makes you want to try.

Turin’s ideas, purely theoretical at the time of Burr’s writing of The Emperor of Scent, are currently much more substantial – he is now one of the key players in the scent creation company Flexitral, and has designed for them a number of new and novel scent molecules using his concepts. If ever anything speaks for the success of new science these days, it’s commercial endorsement.

Ultimately though, commerce is the farthest thing from Turin’s mind. In the most profound sense of the word, he is an artist. An artist whose medium – mysterious, evocative, sensual, sexual, nostalgic and joyful – is perfume.

Buy this book. Read it at least twice. And then keep it on your shelf so that you can say, in decades to come, I was there when they discovered how our sense of smell works.
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*Dear Mr Turin’s Copyright Lawyer: I’m not sure about the legality of quoting stuff from a book in a review, but I plead dedication to Turin’s vision, and I intend to forever and a day commit myself to urging anyone who will listen to spend their money on his book, if that helps at all.

†This single fact is a major key to Turin’s argument. It’s too complicated to go into, but it’s really a sweet piece of reasoning.

‡He has also, at some stage or other, whiffed hydrogen cyanide, a fact that he drops as a careless aside. HCN is the kind of gas that you don’t go around casually sniffing, since it can cause you to sort of DIE.

I’ve noticed a disconcerting thing in my local Post Office. The language used by the people behind the counter has devolved into some strange monosyllabic form of what was once English.

For instance, when you are standing in a queue waiting to be served, the manglish that indicates you should step forward is “Pyu?” (said with a sing-songy rising inflection). Then, when the transaction is finished, the signal that you should leave the counter is “Kyu!” with a high, slightly falling inflection.

What is perhaps most offputting is that everyone who works there seems to do this. Since the service is always glacially slow, it can’t be that they’re trying to save time or anything.

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Don’t forget to vote for my post What I Believe But Cannot Prove in The Philosophy Blog War!

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