Magic Book

For reasons with which none of you should really concern yourselves just now*, I had cause last evening to be looking through one of my books on Black Magic†. I discovered these two gems which I thought it was only fair I should share:

To find out if a girl is still a virgin:

Pulverise some lily pollen, and find an opportunity of making her swallow it without knowing, for example at a table in some dish. If she is no longer a virgin she will be seized with an irresistible urge to urinate.

Now this sounds like a pretty good party trick, right fellas? I don’t find myself at tables full of virgins very often these days, so I think the lily pollen method is likely to result in a sudden rush for the lady’s room. This can only be a source of mirth.

If you don’t get caught.

An outcome which is much more likely while attempting the next piece of hocus pocus:

To know a woman’s most intimate secrets:

Take a live toad, pull its tongue out and throw the toad back into the water. Put this tongue on the woman’s heart while she is still asleep and she will talk and answer all your questions.

(Second method: take a pigeon’s heart and a toad’s head, dry them and reduce them to a powder which you must sprinkle lightly over the stomach of the sleeping woman. The effect will be the same).

OK. So, aside from the possible animal cruelty issues, there are a number of hurdles that I can see:

•Finding a toad ~ Toads are not plentiful in my neighbourhood, although I guess if you’re in Queensland it’s not such a biggie.

•Tearing its tongue out ~ Now, I really haven’t had reason to try this, but it doesn’t sound too easy to me. You know, “Yeah, just pull its tongue out” like when someone says “Yeah, just make sure you keep all three chainsaws in the air as the kitten exits your left hand…”

•Taking out a pigeon’s heart ~ It doesn’t say whether you’re supposed to rip out the heart and throw the pigeon back into the air, but going on the toad instructions, one must assume something like this would be required. That’s likely to be fairly messy.

•Finding a sleeping woman ~ Chance would be a fine thing.

•Putting sundry animal bits on sleeping woman without waking her up ~ Also, taking them off afterwards. Otherwise, in the morning she wonders where the hell all the rancid-smelling dust came from and… eeeww, blecch… is that a slug…??? (Ooh, er, no dear, that looks like a toad’s tongue to me…) Oh, that’s alright then.

This book has much, much more. I just know you’re all itching to find out how to make an homunculus. And then what to do with one once you have.


*All I’m going to say at this stage is ‘Spammers Beware!’

†Yes, I have more than one. And I own a black cat. ph33r m3!


Insincerity Thumb Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!