Tetherd Cow Ahead

OH GOD IT NEVER STOPS!

Drown me in a butt of malmsey! Today, even MORE correspondence from Peter Popoff! This time another MILLION pages of mind-fogging writings and underlinings. And pictures of Prophet Pete. And promises of uncountable fortunes. And dire warnings. And prophecies. And stickers with leaves on them.

I will not bore you much further with any of this (unless he remembers to send me my “bag” of Dead Sea Salt – that’s surely worth a picture), except to say that scanning down the letter I notice that this time he is promising to have included money in this installment. Yes, MONEY!

Oh happy happy joy joy! MONEY! I search through the forest of foolscap pages and find:

That stuff in the little “bag” on the left is supposed to be the money. It is shredded. And according to the instructions I’m supposed to burn the money with the teeny candle and do something with the resulting ashes (oh, really WHO CARES…?)

If you look very closely you can see that the ‘money’ is really only printed on one side. Just like Peter Popoff, it’s fake.

On the Good News side, I now have THREE reply-paid envelopes. You can bet Prophet Pete is going to be hearing from me real soon.

OK, so I didn’t actually drink the Miracle Spring Water, so much, but it has been about five days. I opened the letter…

Oh beat me senseless with a salmon – TWO MORE FOOLSCAP PAGES of nutty rambling. I can’t begin to describe to you the effect that this has on my brain. And to think I found the Special One Drop Liquid challenging…

Now Prophet Pete is asking me for money (hands up who is surprised?).

I am asking you to plant a HOLY CONSECRATED SEED for a Great Harvest Offering of $17.00. No I don’t want you to send $37 or $77…

Oh silly me. When he said ‘$17.00’ I immediately thought “Oh, surely Prophet Pete you mean $77!”

No. SEND EXACTLY $17.00. Because 1 is the number of the Father… and 7 is the Father’s number of perfection.

Of course! It’s SO obvious! But… erm.. then why not $71.00??

Prophet Pete goes on to predict some remarkable events for my life, including something MIRACULOUS happening on July 7th, possibly the thing he saw in a ‘vision’ revealed to him by God:

I saw a total stranger giving you a beautiful box. When you opened it, joy overwhelmed you when you saw it was filled with money.

Personally, I’m thinking that if a total stranger gave me a box full of money, the expression you might see on my face would more likely be suspicion. Nevertheless, since I’ve been pre-warned by Prophet Popoff, I’m standing by to be overjoyed on July 7. You can be sure I’ll report the events of the day here on The Cow.

Around about this time in the letters, Prophet Pete ratchets up his monetary request from $17 to $27 but neglects to say what the number ‘2’ represents in this case. Maybe 2 is the number of The Holy Ghost, who has been conspicuously absent since the promise of His Instructions in Envelope #1. Or was it Envelope #2. Christ, it’s all so COMPLICATED.

Then, Prophet Pete tells me:

I am going to give you a “Bag”.* In this bag there is some prayer-blessed Dead Sea Salt, this Dead Sea Salt is in and of itself very special.

I know that you are at the moment tormented by an important and serious problem. That is why you must open the bag and use the secret anointed Dead Sea Salt exactly as I direct.

I’ve rummaged through all the papers and I can’t find the “Bag” with the Dead Sea Salt so I guess I don’t get that unless I send off my $17/$27 and empty Miracle Spring Water vial, which is a shame. I’d really like a “Bag” of Dead Sea Salt, but somehow I suspect my $17 would only buy me a 0.17c “Bag” of Saxa.

Sigh. I can’t go on. Truly, Cow fans, this is one remarkably exhausting pile of nonsense. I’d love to tell you about the ‘Silver and Gold BRACELET OF BLESSING’, the offer of Prophet Pete’s PRIVATE PHONE NUMBER and the direct revelations from the prophet AGABUS, but I can already sense you nodding off (like I did every time I looked at the pages of printing and scrawled annotations).

Eventually Prophet Peter Popoff bids farewell:

Egad. Today, Tomorrow and FOREVER. The very thought makes me nauseous. Forever is a really long time. I hate to think how many more pages of impenetrable claptrap he could churn out if he had FOREVER to do it.

I still intend to send off something to Peter Popoff in his reply-paid envelope, and I would love to hear any further suggestions of how we might bring the same kind of joy into his life that he has brought into ours.

In the meantime, it seem appropriate to see what The Spawn would make of Prophet Pete’s Wisdom.

Yes. As I thought.

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*Who knows why this is in quotes?

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Brothers and Sisters!

I can only think that another MIRACLE has occurred since last we spoke. At that time, as you will recall, I was about to open my SECRET envelope with MIRACLE WATER and HOLY GHOST INSTRUCTIONS but I have to confess that SATAN stayed my hand and I put off my task!

And then, AS IF HE COULD READ MY MIND I had another communique from Prophet Peter Popoff! Yes, when I arrived home this afternoon, there he was in my letter box again, this time with a portrait!

Prophet Pete is so committed to shoehorning a miracle into my life that in this new letter he has taken the time to personally underline and circle points of interest. Emphatically!

See? How much more emphatic could he get!?

And JESUS’ TEARS can this man churn it out! This letter is another two pages of densely packed waffle, only this time with lots of asterisks and underlines and annotations.

I can see his game now – he aims to confuse me into salvation! That’s a ploy I’ve never seen used before.

And this new letter has ANOTHER included envelope, with ANOTHER set of instructions.

I now have sitting on my desk five pages of writing, two sealed envelopes, one postage-paid return address envelope (oh, the joy!) and, the thing you’ve all been waiting for… the OPENED MIRACLE WATER ENVELOPE!

I’m almost wetting myself without the need for the miracle water!

I also have a further two pages of instructions. Holy crap. It’s clear, at least, that Prophet Pete’s efforts are going to be wasted on the illiterate.

Now this new instruction sheet is printed on bright pink paper, and also contains numerous highlighted points and underlinings. First of all there is a bullet-pointed list of things that I must do with the MIRACLE WATER.

Stick with me Cow Fans. I promise, it’s worth it. (Please note: all underlinings and emphasis are courtesy of Prophet Pete. I simply couldn’t have done any better).

Instruction #1:

Lay the large MIRACLE SPRING WATER vial next to your bed TONIGHT ONLY. I believe the angel of the Lord will trouble your water so that when you drink it – first thing in the morning when you wake up – there’s no telling what awesome power and anointing will be released. GET READY!

Now listen. The thought of the angel of the Lord troubling one’s water and causing the release of awesome power might have gone down OK in biblical times when they had easily hosed stone floors and lots of straw to soak stuff up. Nowadays it just sounds frightening and ultimately highly unsanitary.

Leaving that aside, hands up who would be prepared to drink water from a plastic vial sent to them in the post by an unknown person. Uh-huh. As I thought. (Put your hand down Jam, it is not at all like chugging Bawls).

Instruction #2

Claim the miracles you need (with prayer) and ask God to open the pathway to your very own MIRACLE DELIVERANCE… the pathway to your victory… through your RED SEA of need.

Don’t let your RED SEA of need interfere with your ability to make it through to Instruction #3:

Send me your prayer requests (on back) along with your best gift to God. When I get the empty container back with your name written on it I will know that you have obeyed God’s instructions and acted in obedience.

Cowerati, I know that the DIVINE ILLUMINATION of the Cow has already shone for you on the PATH AHEAD here and you can see where we’re going to go with this…

Yes. Prophet Peter Popoff is inviting us to send something back to him. And HE’S PAYING! (Sorry about the dribbling… opportunities like this just never hand themselves over all that often and I’m going dizzy with anticipation…)

Now. I have SO MUCH MORE of Peter Popoff’s revelatory message to pass on to you, but it’s simply TOO BIG A TOPIC for even my deftness and skill to condense into just this one further post. This has become a CATEGORY IN ITS OWN RIGHT, and deserves much greater consideration.

So, instead, just for the moment let us pause and ponder this latest opportunity to come our way. I’m turning it over to you, dear Cow Folk: what, do you think, should I send back to Prophet Pete in his reply-paid envelope?

Keep it decent, keep it small enough for a standard DL envelope and make it something you think Prophet Peter Popoff will appreciate.

There will be a prize.

(Further installments on the Letters of Peter will be forthcoming).

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*Title courtesy of Pil

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O frabjous day! Callooh, callay!!!

Here I was wondering what the heck I was going to serve up as a delectable morsel for my Acowlytes to dine on today when an act of Divine Providence happened right on my doorstep! Well, in my letterbox to be more exact, but the doorstep is only about three feet away from that.

Yes my faithful feiends, it appears that the spammers, not content with assaulting me through my e-conduit have decided to take their message right to my real live front door on actual milled-from-living-trees paper. One can only hope that they don’t manage to upgrade their current quota of 90 billion spams per day to this method.

Anyway, this particular missive arrived addressed to me by name with the opening line:

Our prayer center received your phone call and your prayer request for God’s blessing on your finances… I have been praying for you non-stop ever since the operator gave me your name.

Since I can’t recall making that phone call it stands to reason that it was well over, oh, a couple of weeks ago (that’s about the limit of my memory these days) so this guy’s knees must be pretty stiff by now.

Flipping to the last page to see who I’m dealing with (there are two pages printed on each side with densely packed print featuring LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS) I see that it has been sent by my new friend ‘Prophet Peter Popoff’.

Hey waiddaminute… that name sounds familiar… let me just consult the Internets… Well stone the crows! I’ve been fingered by Spam Celebrity!

Yes, Peter Popoff has written to me personally to tell me how concerned he is for my wellbeing! Really!

Awww – I can see you don’t believe me. Here, let me show you just one of the envelopes he enclosed in his letter:

See! That’s his real handwriting on there! Fair dinkum!

Well, what does Pete have to say? I won’t go into detail, there’s way too much to digest, but in a nutshell, if I follow his instructions I will get nothing less than EVERYTHING I WANT. Incredible, huh?

Oh there are SO many goodies in this ramble, it’s hard to know where to start.

Firstly, PPP makes an honest-to-God concrete prediction, viz:

I feel YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS AN UNPRECEDENTED MIRACLE as you follow divine leading and direction. You’ve prayed for a seemingly impossible miracle. On July 09 2007, the miraculous occurs. YOUR GREATEST PRAYER SHALL BE ANSWERED AND YOUR GREATEST WISH SHALL COME TO BE…

Hot diggedy dog! Now there’s the kinda predictin’ I like!

Oh, but hang on a bit, unsurprisingly there’s the fine print: …hindering spirit… puts me in the wrong time at the wrong place to take advantage of the miracle… yadda yadda yadda.

Oh dangnabbit Prophet Pete! Is there anything I can do to make SURE that my greatest wish will come true???

(Whack me with a broom pole there’s a lot of writing in this letter… instructions, instructions, more instructions…chaos in my life… someone who is about to cause fear… 7 Secret Prophetic Events…)

Aha! Here we have it:

There are 3 more IMPORTANT prophetic events that are yet to be revealed…However…I must obey God in this. YOUR OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY! I CAN ONLY REVEAL THEM TO YOU IN MY ANSWER…OBEY GOD IN THIS!

Now, in Jesus’ Name open the first envelope that has the Miracle Spring Water in it.

Egad! The tension is too much! As you can see, the envelope contains the Miracle Water Packet and also a Prophecy & Holy Ghost Instructions. A completely dry ENVELOPE FULL OF WATER! That must be a miracle in itself.

This is TOO BIG A STORY for ONE POST, dear ACOWLYTES! Picture me if you will as I unholster my letter opener in the diminishing light of my near-exhausted flickering candle and prepare to reveal the contents of Envelope #1…

… and tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to this rapturous tale!

Every now and then on The Cow, we are pleased to introduce you to new technical wonders that will revolutionize some aspect of your undoubtedly humdrum and dreary lives.

Now, following in the footsteps of marvels such as the Cowlexâ„¢ Vibrator, The Unusual Thing, The Non-Electric Machine, X-Fi, The Vegetarian Chicken Modeling Machine and The Cellular Squirrel, The Tetherd Cow Ahead Bureau of Innovation is pleased to present: PWB Special One Drop Liquid.

Here, let the inventors of this astonishing product tell you about it in their own words (directly from the press release, no editing, in the order it is printed):

Special One Drop Liquid possesses a most extraordinary property. The human senses, in common with the requirements of all living material including trees and all other green plants, have evolved the requirements for forward facing light energy.

Got that? Forward facing light energy. Well I’ll be damned. I’ve evolved it, and I don’t even know what it means.

Light, in common with most energies within Nature, readily forms an inverse pattern of itself when encountering an obstacle.

Like this: LIGHT -> OBSTACLE -> THGIL

Couldn’t be plainer. Go on…

Light is particularly modified when encountering a transparent obstacle. The human senses will not function correctly when confronted with an energy pattern which faces away from the senses.

I find that myself, certainly. It explains exactly why they put those little coloured stickers on fresh fruit and, at last, why the swallows always return to Capistrano.

The daily dietary requirement of salt and sugar is the chemical requirement that the body requires to manipulate the energy patterns absorbed by our bodies. To demonstrate the inverse pattern formation on objects which fill the modern environment, simply place salt on one face and sugar on another face of the object. Stimulate your sense of hearing by listening to music, then remove the salt and sugar. The effect on the senses is usually quite profound.

The effect of trying to comprehend the preceding paragraph is profound every time I read it. I get little pinging noises in my brain. It’s like being confronted with an energy pattern that faces away from the senses.

The effect is particularly noticeable if the faces of a NON playing Compact Disc or vinyl record is manipulated by placing salt (in a small bag) on one face and sugar (in a small bag) on the other face.

Ping. Pingpingpingpingping. Ping.

All green plant material has it’s own variation of salt and sugar in order for it to correctly manipulate sunlight. If a small bag containing sugar is attached to the upper surface of a leaf within your listening territory, including the garden, a noticeable beneficial effect will take place with your sense of hearing. A small bag containing salt can be attached to the underside of the leaf with the same beneficial effect.

Little bags of sugar? Leaves? Hearing? Wha? Wha? Ping. So the trees can hear better? Ping. Listening territory? Little bags of salt attached to leaves? Ping. Pingpingping.

Special One Drop Liquid can replace, with an increased effect, salt and sugar applied to the faces of an object, including to the faces of green plant life. The Special One Drop Liquid admits only forward facing light energy.

Righty-ho! The Special One Drop Liquid is for replacing little bags of salt and sugar that I have tied to the top and bottoms of leaves in my listening territory! Now we’re getting somewhere. P-i-i-n-n-n-g.

All Compact Discs should have a drop of the Special One Drop Liquid applied to both sides and spread across the surface using a finger tip.

Obviously! Wow, that’s totally brilliant! No longer will I have to put up with the mess from all that salt and sugar and dead leaf material that bursts out of the little bags tied to my CDs that clog up my CD player every time I try and play something. It’s a MIRACLE!

The surface can be dried with a cloth or a paper tissue. Vinyl records should have a drop of the Liquid applied to the particular area on the record which has the run off groove on both sides of the disc. The outside faces of the disc sleeve or disc housing should also be treated.

Well duh. Anyone with half a brain can see that if you’re going to treat the run off groove on a vinyl record, you need to treat the sleeve as well. Think of the savings on sugar and salt for a start!

To ascertain the effect of the One Drop Liquid on any object, it is only necessary to initially stand the small bottle containing the Liquid on the face of the object.

P-I-N-G!

ALL transparent material within a listening room, including glass windows, clock faces, wrist watch faces, TV screens, the lenses of eye glasses etc. and display windows on equipment should all be treated. It is only necessary to apply one drop of the Liquid to the corner of a glass window for the beneficial effect to be heard.

Anyone still with me? Guys? Gals?

The One Drop Liquid is particularly effective if applied to the rear of a photograph and to the glass face of a photographic frame. Artificial light, in the form of electrical light bulbs, has a particularly detrimental effect upon the sense of hearing and the glass of an electric light bulb should be treated.

Oh heck. Just smear the damn stuff on everything! In no time your hearing acuity will approach that of bats. I don’t know why the guys at PWB are selling this in those teeny little bottles. At the rate of application that they’re suggesting you’d go through a gallon just in your lounge room.

And if you’re skeptical at forking out for Special One Drop Liquid, have no fear! On the PWB Electronics site I found a whole swag of other tips for improving the sound quality of your music too (it isn’t clear whether these necessarily apply only to CDs either – as far as I can tell, any/all of these methods are effective in improving music just generally. Amazing!). For superior musical reproduction, merely:

•Place a piece of paper under one of the feet of any piece of furniture in the room!

•Pin back any one corner of a curtain in the room!

•Place a blue piece of paper under a vase of flowers in the room!

•Tie a reef knot in the power cables of your equipment!

•Freeze your CD in the freezer!

•Align all the screw heads in the room to be parallel to the Earth’s surface!

You think I’m making all this up, don’t you?

Ping.

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Thanks (I think) to Stewart via Kirke for bringing this to the attention of The Cow.

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Some Questions, Some Answers and Some Observations

Sally sent me this today, and I am forced to make the assumption that Sally is in cahoots with Fountain-In-The-City on account of the strikingly similar accomplishments in the field of graphic arts displayed in The Secret Key and The Prophetic Code (of which you will recall I have spoken previously).

Let us begin.

The Questions: (if you feel so inclined, read them out loud in a deep reverberant voice for full effect):

What is The Secret Key?

I don’t know, but judging by the picture it gets you into a room with retina-scorching bright light. I am not entirely sure why this would be desirable.

Did you see the Oprah Show about the Law of Attraction?

No. Unless it was the one where Tom Cruise went bananas jumping up and down on the couch. I’ve seen that one. Is that typical of the level of credibility of Oprah shows?

Have you seen the movies The Secret or What the Bleep?

No. But I am familiar with the kind of dopey pseudo-science claptrap they peddle. Does that help?

Some Observations:

OK, this is what I deduce from a semiotic reading of this image: The man in the picture is definitely in need of The Secret Key. At least, he really needs to get into the room with the all the Persil-level luminance since he’s evidently having a lot of trouble making out his Ancient Wisdom by the light of a solitary candle. The hourglass is telling me that he’s running out of time, and the globe of the world under his arm obviously indicates a trip to foreign climes, perhaps to join forces with Tom Cruise on one of L. Ron Hubbard’s old ships to look for hidden treasure. The thing in the top left of frame looks suspiciously like a mandrake root and from this I conclude he intends (once he has some decent lighting) to make an homonculus. He possibly intends the homonculus to be interviewed by Oprah.

Aha! The whole thing falls into place! It’s so frighteningly clear that I knew exactly what I would see when I clicked on the link!

Did you?