Brothers and Sisters!

I can only think that another MIRACLE has occurred since last we spoke. At that time, as you will recall, I was about to open my SECRET envelope with MIRACLE WATER and HOLY GHOST INSTRUCTIONS but I have to confess that SATAN stayed my hand and I put off my task!

And then, AS IF HE COULD READ MY MIND I had another communique from Prophet Peter Popoff! Yes, when I arrived home this afternoon, there he was in my letter box again, this time with a portrait!

Pete Popoff Poses

Prophet Pete is so committed to shoehorning a miracle into my life that in this new letter he has taken the time to personally underline and circle points of interest. Emphatically!

Emphatic Writing

See? How much more emphatic could he get!?

And JESUS’ TEARS can this man churn it out! This letter is another two pages of densely packed waffle, only this time with lots of asterisks and underlines and annotations.

I can see his game now – he aims to confuse me into salvation! That’s a ploy I’ve never seen used before.

And this new letter has ANOTHER included envelope, with ANOTHER set of instructions.

I now have sitting on my desk five pages of writing, two sealed envelopes, one postage-paid return address envelope (oh, the joy!) and, the thing you’ve all been waiting for… the OPENED MIRACLE WATER ENVELOPE!

Miracle Water!

I’m almost wetting myself without the need for the miracle water!

I also have a further two pages of instructions. Holy crap. It’s clear, at least, that Prophet Pete’s efforts are going to be wasted on the illiterate.

Now this new instruction sheet is printed on bright pink paper, and also contains numerous highlighted points and underlinings. First of all there is a bullet-pointed list of things that I must do with the MIRACLE WATER.

Stick with me Cow Fans. I promise, it’s worth it. (Please note: all underlinings and emphasis are courtesy of Prophet Pete. I simply couldn’t have done any better).

Instruction #1:

Lay the large MIRACLE SPRING WATER vial next to your bed TONIGHT ONLY. I believe the angel of the Lord will trouble your water so that when you drink it – first thing in the morning when you wake up – there’s no telling what awesome power and anointing will be released. GET READY!

Now listen. The thought of the angel of the Lord troubling one’s water and causing the release of awesome power might have gone down OK in biblical times when they had easily hosed stone floors and lots of straw to soak stuff up. Nowadays it just sounds frightening and ultimately highly unsanitary.

Leaving that aside, hands up who would be prepared to drink water from a plastic vial sent to them in the post by an unknown person. Uh-huh. As I thought. (Put your hand down Jam, it is not at all like chugging Bawls).

Instruction #2

Claim the miracles you need (with prayer) and ask God to open the pathway to your very own MIRACLE DELIVERANCE… the pathway to your victory… through your RED SEA of need.

Don’t let your RED SEA of need interfere with your ability to make it through to Instruction #3:

Send me your prayer requests (on back) along with your best gift to God. When I get the empty container back with your name written on it I will know that you have obeyed God’s instructions and acted in obedience.

Cowerati, I know that the DIVINE ILLUMINATION of the Cow has already shone for you on the PATH AHEAD here and you can see where we’re going to go with this…

Yes. Prophet Peter Popoff is inviting us to send something back to him. And HE’S PAYING! (Sorry about the dribbling… opportunities like this just never hand themselves over all that often and I’m going dizzy with anticipation…)

Now. I have SO MUCH MORE of Peter Popoff’s revelatory message to pass on to you, but it’s simply TOO BIG A TOPIC for even my deftness and skill to condense into just this one further post. This has become a CATEGORY IN ITS OWN RIGHT, and deserves much greater consideration.

So, instead, just for the moment let us pause and ponder this latest opportunity to come our way. I’m turning it over to you, dear Cow Folk: what, do you think, should I send back to Prophet Pete in his reply-paid envelope?

Keep it decent, keep it small enough for a standard DL envelope and make it something you think Prophet Peter Popoff will appreciate.

There will be a prize.

(Further installments on the Letters of Peter will be forthcoming).


*Title courtesy of Pil