You may remember that, in the ‘wine horoscope’ post a few days back, I said that ‘hokum flourishes in places where there is a substantial amount of subjectivity and a stratosphere of opinionated ‘experts’’. Wine is not my field, so aside from pointing out the obvious ridiculous claims made by the wine sellers in that particular case, I’m not really qualified to comment on the mechanics of the business with any technical authority.

There is another field, though, that is rife with its own 101 Flavours of Claptrap that I am qualified to take on, and that is the mysterious club of ‘high end home audio’.

It’s hard to know where to start with ‘professional’ hi fi. There is so much misinformation and gobbledegook that pretty much wherever you turn there’s some implausible gadget or other for improving your sound, from gold-plated connectors, through pens that make CDs ‘clearer’ to (quite unbelievably) expensive wooden knobs* for your amplifier. And that’s not even tippy-toeing into the world of serious audio fruitcakes.

But today I’m going to examine the simplest, and perhaps the most exploited of all hi fi components: speaker cables. The hyperbole spouted by the vendors of these products is voluminous. Their ‘oxygen free, polarized di-electric, elevated-off-the-floor, cryogenically chilled’ cables will make your muddy cloth-filtered music sound like it’s been triple-washed in Persil! It’ll come out of the speakers at a fidelity beyond studio quality!

What’s going on here? Can some bits of wire really make that much difference? Well, yes and no. First of all there’s an important point to note about speaker cables – they carry a much higher level signal than anywhere else in the audio chain because it is amplified. In practical terms, what this means is that your actual modulated raw audio signal is at its most powerful going from your amp to your speakers. Why is that important? Because at this time the electrical signal is bumped up way beyond the noise level of all the other components in the system – most of the stuff that can be done to affect the fidelity of the signal itself has already been done.†

That being said, what becomes significant is the best way to get the electrical signal from out of your amp into your speakers with the least impediment possible, and this essentially comes down to one thing: providing the happiest and least reactive conduit for your excitable electrons to travel along. Now there are some mitigating factors involved: no matter how good your path is there is some wear and tear on how well the electrons fare. They are effected by the quality of the conductor, the distance they have to travel and other electrical phenomena such as capacitance and inductance. But here is the critical point: none of these are really much of a problem in ten feet of speaker cable. In addition, even if you were able to demonstrate some non-optimal electrical artifacts over such a short distance, it is unclear what effect, if any, these have in relation to audio fidelity.‡

So. What is the most important factor to consider in getting your electrical signal to your speaker? Just one thing: lots of copper. Copper is a terrific conductor of electricity. It’s very kind to the electrons as they pass though, giving them the easiest path to travel that they could ever want. And when we’re talking about ten feet, all being said, that’s really not that much copper.

I’m now going to give you a tip that will save you hundreds of dollars and make your hi fi system sound as good as the very nerdiest of your audio-buff friends: for your speaker connections, forget all about the oxygen free, diode rectified, dipped-in-chocolate, used-only-by angels $1000-per-foot Pear cables** and instead just use a good quality twin core electrical cable.

All You Need

That’s it! Use some wire like this and no-one on the planet will be able to tell the difference between it and the most expensive cable you can buy! I found the stuff above for less than $2 a metre and you can do even better than that. Sum total for speaker cable for my studio: $45. And that’s for a full 5.1 sound set up, with 6 speaker sources.

Audio buffs like to pontificate ad nauseum about the how much difference the supposed ‘high end’ speaker cables make but to those of us who work in the business they just look like idiots – we don’t use those kinds of cables! So what these people are claiming is that they can hear better sound in the reproduction of the material than we heard when we made it! That, of course, is an absurdity of the highest order.

I’d like to end with a true story. Many years ago, a hi fi aficionado acquaintance of mine invited me around to hear his new system. He had spent many thousands of dollars on components, and waxed lyrically about his new speaker cables, which, he said, had improved the fidelity of his music by an impressive order of magnitude. Knowing about my skepticality of such claims, he swore that even I would notice! He sat me down and pressed play on one of his favourite jazz recordings. Could I perceive a superior sound quality? Was I astonished at the clarity of his sound? Well, not so much – I spent a more than a few minutes coming to grips with the fact that his speakers had been wired out of phase, a much more egregious degradation of the listening experience than even speaker leads made of string would have inflicted. And something that he had not even noticed.

I’m not suggesting that all hi fi buffs would make such an obvious mistake, but the thing is, my friend had invested so much money and faith in his audio gear that he had little choice but to believe that he was witnessing superior sound reproduction. And I do suggest that this phenomenon, like that which we saw at work in the ‘wine horoscope’ hoodwink, has more than a little part to play in influencing the subjective experience of listening to recorded music…

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*It seems pretty clear to me that the most significant knobs in this equation are the ones forking out the money. Seriously – read the blurb on the link to the ‘Silver Rock ‘Signature’ knobs and tell me that the manufacturers aren’t having a very good laugh at the silly hi fi twits’ expense. You’d be forgiven for thinking it really was a joke, if this very same company wasn’t selling speaker cables for over a thousand dollars…

†Excluding, of course, what is done by probably the most important component of all – the speakers themselves. But we’re not talking about speakers for the moment – that’s a whole other ballgame.

‡Another sign of the magical thinking involved in high end audio comes in the form of the following dichotomy: hi fi buffs will argue till they’re blue in the face that analogue sound is superior to digital sound. They insist that there is something called ‘warmth’ that comes from analogue that doesn’t make it into the digital world. Why, then, are they so happy to eschew the old, simple twin core speaker cable used on nearly every analogue hi fi system ever made up until about the late 1970s (when the hi fi craze really started to take off)? What if the old cables contributed to that warmth…? Paradoxes such as these are another flag for spotting pseudoscience.

**James Randi put forward his famous Million Dollar Challenge to the makers of Pear cables, to demonstrate in a double blind test that their product would outperform a cheap good quality cable of the same length. Predictably, after first calling the Challenge a hoax, and then (as is so often the way) resorting to ad hominem attacks against Randi, Pear’s CEO Adam Blake refused to participate. This is an unequivocal admission of flim flam. If your product performs as claimed, you can only come out of the Randi Challenge looking absolutely golden (with the added advantage of $1000,000 cash in your pocket). If you back out, then this surely indicates that you are afraid that the results will not bear out the hyperbole in your marketing. This, in turn, indicates that you are deluded or a swindler.

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Nothing.

Sob.

She’s found someone else, I just know it.



Swine Flu is sweeping the globe,* so with the plague upon us, all the Christian wack-jobs are elbowing furiously for positions at the front of the queue for the End Times Spectacular. The folks at Rapture Ready are no exception. If you’ve never visited Rapture Ready, you should. I’ve trawled around it several times and it’s so completely unhinged that I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s not a giant leg pull.

Aside from interminable lists of things that presage The End (including Swine Flu of course)†, there are answers to questions such as What happens to members of non-Christian faiths in the event of the Rapture? (kiss your ass goodbye, Heathen), Is it okay for a man to dress like a woman? (what do you think, pervert?) and Do we all get the same rewards in Heaven? (of course not you sucker).

There’s also the Who will you spend Eternity with? comparison test. Predictably enough, Satan is not recommended. But quite disturbingly, if you decide (after reading about ‘pain so great you’ll be gnashing your teeth for all eternity’), that you don’t want to spend forever with Old Nick, and you click on the link at the bottom of all the dire warnings To see what the requirements are for following Jesus, you get catapaulted into Rapture Ready limbo with an ‘Oh great, now you’ve done it. You’re complete lost’ (sic) error.

Rather offputting if you’ve just seen the error of your ways and opted for a speedy conversion before the rain of frogs starts. I like to think that there’s way more truth in it, though, than the Rapture Ready site creators ever intended…

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*Hyperbole for effect. Why should the newspapers have a monopoly on sensationalism?

†Well that’s a sure bet – if they just keep on shovelling enough crap in there, inevitably there will come a time where they can say ‘See? We told you so!’

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The Troublesome Truck

The Continuing Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#34: The Troublesome Truck.

In which SGM, out for an energizing cycle ride in the fresh morning air completely fails to notice something which is surely the equivalent of a mobile barn.

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Big thanks to Joey for spotting SGM on his latest jaunt.

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Yuliya 2


Well, as noted in the Comments on the Yuliya post, my Russian friend was very eager to get back in touch. I received her delightful correspondence within hours of firing off my reply:

Hello my dear friend Anaglyph!!!

Thanks a lot for your answer. I’m really happy. Well, I guess, my letter was a bit unexpected for you and maybe you were surprised. Frankly speaking for me all this is extraordinary, it is the first time I’ve come to the Internet cafe and used the Internet to meet a man. Well, I’m a little confused and even do not know what to start with.

As I have already said I’ve never used this means of communication before. When I saw your profile, I decided to write you as you are a handsome man. But I really didn’t expect that you would answer.
And now a few words about me. Well, my name is Yuliya, it is my full name, but my friends call me just Yulya. They say I’m a kind and generous person. I’m also a religious woman and go to church regularly. As you know, I’m 32. I used to be married but my husband died 3 years ago and now I live just with my dad. I’m quite a tall woman (170 sm) and weighs 55 kg. I was born on the first of June, 1976. I am Twins. And as it is the beginning of summer, I like when it is warm outside and all is green.
My favourite colour is red. I like tulips very much. These flowers are associated with spring and sun. They usually bloom in March. Like many women I also like roses.

I can call myself a backwoodsman as I was born in a far away Russian city Murom. To be more exact in a village nearby but after some time my parents decided to move to the city. After finishing the school I studied in State Pedagogical University at the faculty of History. At first I worked as a teacher in a school but for the last 4 years I’ve been working in a library. Though I do not earn a lot, I enjoy this job greatly. Sometimes I’ve got a chance to have some extra work, e.g. give some private lessons at home, and prepare students to exams and entering to some Institutions. However it is quite hard to combine all this as I work 5-6 days a week and from time to time I have to take some work home. Besides we’ve got a lot of extra events at work such as exhibitions, open classes, meeting with writers, poets and painters.

Well, I hope you are not bored reading all this. What else can I tell you?

As for my hobbies I’m fond of cooking very much. I’m really good at it and can imagine a great number of recipes. It is only necessary to have some free time, a lot of products and then I can cook a magnificent meal.

Well, I guess that is all in short. It is a very serious step in my life as I decided to get acquainted with a man, write him first and do all this with the help of the Internet. I just wanted to find my good fortune here. Anyway nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I just want you to know that I’m a very serious person and I’m not playing any games. I’m an educated middle aged woman and want to find a real man. It doesn’t matter how old he is, whether he is rich or not, the most important thing is to love and respect each other and all left can be gained together. Besides that is not important where he lives as I will come to him anywhere if I feel that he really needs me. However I’ve never been to other countries but do believe there can’t be any obstacles for a real love. Maybe I’m naive and still believe in love. But I am sure I’ll be happy.

Dear, Anaglyph I will look forward to getting your letter. Could you write me about yourself, your family, traditions, where you live, what countries you visited and what you know about Russia.

So, wish you all the best.
Take care.
Regards, your new friend from Russia, Yulya!

Yuliya 3 Yuliya 4


I replied post haste, this time in English. Let’s see if I can get her to actually read my letter, rather than fob me off with another generic reply:

Hello Gorgeous Yuliya!

May I call you Yulya at this early stage? I don’t want to get too personal, but even though I don’t know you well I feel already that we might become very good friends!

Yulya, your prompt reply made my heart leap! I thought that when I sent off my letter I might never hear from you again, since that has often been the way in my dealings with women. Imagine my surprise to find your letter and three photos when I checked my mail this morning. I must say, you are a very attractive woman, and do not look at all like you could be 32 years of age!

I am very interested to hear that you are a twin. I wonder if you have a picture of yourself and your sibling. Are you both girls, or is your twin a brother? Does your twin like double jokes, since you yourself do not seem so keen on them?

Yulya, I am concerned that you did not respond to my questions about humour in my other letter – did you like my joke? I wonder if it translates the same into Russian? Do they have Buddhism in Murom? Do they have hotdogs in Murom?

I am very pleased to hear that you attend church regularly. As you know, I am a Reverend at the Church of the Tetherd Cow and I have told my congregation about you. They are all very excited that I have found a new friend from Russia. It all seems so foreign to us! They are also very eager to hear more news from Murom.

Today was a great day for me Yulya – I received a telephone call from my agent in Argentina who says that the demand for chupacabras is very high at the moment, in spite of the global financial problems. He expects that I should be able to send two shipments from my farm in Ireland this year – that should mean a very good profit for my company!

I loved seeing your pictures and would like to see more! I have included some pictures of me this time – there is one of me on my farm (chupacabras in background – yes, I am very brave to be so close!).




I have also sent you a couple of other pictures of me, all taken this year (I guess you have seen some of them on my profile).



Don’t worry about the other people in the photographs – they are very dishonest people who have been quite hurtful to me in this last year. That is a part of my life that I don’t want to think about too much now, so I won’t go into that. Let’s just say that that these people have cheated me out of a large amount of money and that I expect it to be returned soon when the trial finishes.

Well Yulya, I had best finish up for the moment. I need to go out on the farm and feed some babies to the chupacabras. It’s very hard work, but it pays well, so I don’t complain. I hope this finds you well, and I would love to hear more about you and all parts of your life.

Your new friend
Reverend Anaglyph
Church of the Tetherd Cow

PS – You asked what I know about Russia, and I have to say ‘Not very much!’ As you know, I was quite surprised to read your email, not having actually written to anyone in Russia.

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Just in case anyone is concerned that ‘Yuliya’ is a real person, let me assure you that she is not. The address that she first contacted me on is one of my public email addresses that is spammed about three or four hundred times a day. ‘Yuliya’s’ letter is only one of dozens like this that I’ve read. At the very least ‘she’ is being duplicitous (she never ‘saw my profile’ anywhere, nor got my email address through any legitimate channels), and I fully expect her to ask me for money in one or two emails. I detest scammers and fraudsters of all breeds, so I have no compunction making her the butt of Cow humour.

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Tetherd Cow Ahead Presents: The Baffling Bible
Episode #5: Leviticus 20:13

Judgemental

*It’s AOK if one of the parties is an Angel.

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