Sat 20 Mar 2010

The Prints of Darkness

Posted by anaglyph under Gadgets, Rant, Scary, SmashItWithAHammer, Technology
[15] Comments



This is a Canon iP4600. To some, it might look like a printer but it is in fact a demon sent to Earth by Satan. Its very purpose on this mortal plane is to torment the souls of its victims until they lose all sanity and can be thus claimed by the Evil One as his own.

I have come to this conclusion because whenever I try to actually use the iP4600 for the purpose for which it is supposedly ‘designed’, ie, ‘printing’, it attempts to do anything but. It behaves wilfully – malignantly, even – and finds all kinds of ways to inflict misery upon me. It even communicates with me via strange taunting messages.

I attempt to print a photo and it replies:



Which it does. And then stops. And then does it again. Then, grudgingly it spits out a mangled copy of my picture:



Sometimes I set it running and go off to make a cup of tea, thinking that when I get back in ten minutes it will have finished. Instead:



This morning it decided, for no apparent reason, to glob ink all over some CD artwork.






And it is entirely futile to try and just ‘print off a quick document’…



It will behave for an entire day, and then, just as I’m trying to finish up and go off to dinner…







Pray for me, Acowlytes. I feel my soul slipping into its icy mechanical maw.





 

Wed 17 Mar 2010

White Meat, Or Dark…*

Posted by anaglyph under Laughs, Movies, Ooky, Silly
[13] Comments



You may remember that a little ways back I told you about a film called Shriek of the Mutilated, which, aside from having one of the best movie titles ever, is a work of cinema so terrible that it’s a must see. My friend Sean points out that io9 has a short clip up at the moment which allows you to get a taste of the full awfulness of this creation.

As well as some truly frightful yeti action, the snippet features some awesome ‘girl-in-lingerie-terror’ acting. Truly, girls, you need to watch this. Among other things you will learn that if you are trapped in a bathroom by an insane over-sized teddybear-with-fangs, you should flap ineffectually at the window with your hands and pull your hair across your face a lot.

Apparently SOTM is now available on DVD. This is something that the world has needed for many decades.

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*You have to see the film.

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Mon 15 Mar 2010

Space… the Final Front Ear

Posted by anaglyph under Blogs I Like:, Competition!, Laughs, Silly, Space
[5] Comments

Hey! Remember how I told you about the Thrilling Space Adventure competition over at Bearskin Rug? I actually won a blue ribbon! I am totally chuffed – my very first attempt at a cartoony-like comic and someone who is a genius at such things thought it was worthy of a prize. And I didn’t even have to send him a bribe or anything!

Here’s my winning entry. It’s a truly Thrilling Space Adventure.

What’s even better I won a prize – a signed copy of The Superest book. And, along with Kevin’s signature, it has hand-drawn pictures of Mojo.

I am so happy.

Go to Bearskin Rug now and buy stuff.

 

Sun 14 Mar 2010

Band Your Eyes!

Posted by anaglyph under Signs, Travel, Words
[6] Comments



Just a reminder that you should make very frequent visits to engrish.com. In case you’re not already. It’s truly super amusive!



 

Thu 11 Mar 2010

Shelf Life

Posted by anaglyph under Blogs I Like:, Competition!, Cow Matters
[36] Comments

Joey's Shelf

 

Wed 10 Mar 2010

Shitfaced

Posted by anaglyph under Bizarre, Idiots, Insane People, Ooky, Skeptical Thinking, Stupidity, WooWoo
[13] Comments

The capacity for stupid people to part with huge amounts of cash on schemes concocted by morally bankrupt swindlers never ceases to amaze me. It’s as if there’s a reservoir of schmucks out there who are just busting to empty their bank accounts into the pockets of criminals. Here on The Cow this is very familiar territory. Over the years we’ve seen the duplicitous Shoo!TAG™ scammers bilking all and sundry with their nutso pest repellent scheme; the smarmy Steorn with their ‘free energy’ shell game (a scam that’s centuries old in one form or another); the Space Diamond fraudsters who promise untold wealth via implausible interstellar retrieval schemes. And the list goes on.

Sometimes I like to play this game in my head where I make up the weirdest scheme I can imagine and speculate on whether people would pay money for it. For instance, I’ll look out my window and see something like, oh, let’s see – bird shit – and then make it the centre of some daft scam. I’ll imagine, for instance, that there’s some place that offers to rub bird shit on your face for money. Maybe I’ll even elaborate on it a bit to make it even more implausible – maybe it’s not just bird shit they’re offering to smoosh all over your dial but, oh, let’s see something really off the wall… I’ve got it! Nightingale shit!

Hahahaha! No-one would believe that in a BILLION years. No-one on the PLANET is dumb enough to fork out for that.

Hahhahahahahahaha!

WRONG!



 

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