This is a Canon iP4600. To some, it might look like a printer but it is in fact a demon sent to Earth by Satan. Its very purpose on this mortal plane is to torment the souls of its victims until they lose all sanity and can be thus claimed by the Evil One as his own.

I have come to this conclusion because whenever I try to actually use the iP4600 for the purpose for which it is supposedly ‘designed’, ie, ‘printing’, it attempts to do anything but. It behaves wilfully – malignantly, even – and finds all kinds of ways to inflict misery upon me. It even communicates with me via strange taunting messages.

I attempt to print a photo and it replies:

Which it does. And then stops. And then does it again. Then, grudgingly it spits out a mangled copy of my picture:

Sometimes I set it running and go off to make a cup of tea, thinking that when I get back in ten minutes it will have finished. Instead:

This morning it decided, for no apparent reason, to glob ink all over some CD artwork.

And it is entirely futile to try and just ‘print off a quick document’…

It will behave for an entire day, and then, just as I’m trying to finish up and go off to dinner…

Pray for me, Acowlytes. I feel my soul slipping into its icy mechanical maw.