One of the most common things I hear people say about the Australian bush is how drab it looks. European preconceptions make us think that the emerald green lushness of the Northern Hemisphere is somehow the ‘correct’ way for the countryside to appear, and that there is something wrong with the blue-greens and olive hues of the eucalypts and acacias and melaleucas and all the other plants that make up Australia’s forests.

But this is the ill-considered view of the person who hasn’t spent time among eucalypts. These beautiful trees are subtle and complex, and like all worthwhile things, patience is required to fully appreciate them.

Some interesting snippets about eucalypts:

★When the early ships of explorers and white settlers came to Australia they knew they were approaching land well before they could see it; the eucalyptus forests were so dense they could smell them miles from shore. (Gum – Ashley Hay)

★Eucalypts grow prolifically on the west coast of the US but they do not belong there. I once had an animated discussion with a producer of a well-known classical music group in which she insisted that eucalypts were native to the US. They are not. The 600+ known species are endemic to Australia, with about 12 further species known in far southern Asia. The reason that eucalypts grow in California is because they were taken there in the 1870s, perhaps by miners returning from the Australian gold rush. They had optimistically thought that this hardy tree would be a useful source of hardwood timber. Indeed, the trees thrived in their new home. They grew fast, as much as twenty feet a year. Too fast. In Australia, the growth rate is checked by insects and drought, to produce a very fine-grained hard timber. In North America, there was nothing to slow them down. The transplanted trees were big and impressive, but their timber was fibrous and brittle. It was a disaster. Now the eucalypts in the US can’t be considered much more than weeds.

★Koala bears are not bears, and do not spend their days stoned out of their minds on the oil from eucalyptus leaves, as many people believe. Koalas are just very relaxed kinds of guys.

★Only one tenth of Australia’s original forest remains. And this is being cleared with little thought. It is a travesty of the highest magnitude. We humans don’t deserve this place.

The Further Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#6: The Bolt from the Blue (in which SGM is once again struck down by forces of an electrical nature)

[thanks Bronni – The Cow spreads its beneficence upon you]

My friend Bronni, travelling across the wilds of Dorset in the UK, reports back to The Cow:

“And we single girls thought Sydney was hard. Look what the English lasses are forced to contemplate…”

OK, this is a heads-up people. It’s just over a week to International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Time to get the eye-patches & wooden legs out of storage, get yer pirattitude on and brush up on yer pirate lingo.

If ye don’t know what I’m yabberin’ about me hearties, then ye better be goin’ here. Learn how to talk like a pirate, what it be all about (hint: NOTHING SENSIBLE) and all the best pirate pick-up lines (such as the effective yet subtle “Prepare to be boarded!”).

Lest ye think it’s all silliness, let me refer ye to this important data on the official Flying Spaghetti Monster site which plots the decline in pirate numbers against global warming:

So ye can see it be all scientific-like: by being pirattical, ye may well be helping the environment. For me own part, on the Big Day I will be answerin’ the telephone as Cap’n Pete, keepin’ a plentiful supply of grog on hand and working all day with my pirate keyboard:

So ye lice-infested bilge rats, go find yerselves a parrot and ye proper pirate name, prepare to hoist the Jolly Roger and say after me: “Arrrrr!!”

an·a·glyph: n:

A moving or still picture consisting of two slightly different perspectives of the same subject in contrasting colors that are superimposed on each other, producing a three-dimensional effect when viewed through two correspondingly colored filters.

Don’t look for anything deep in it. I just like the 3D version of Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Spam Observations #12

My recent email has been filled with sperm. Lots of it. Gallons and gallons and gallons. People want to sell me a product called SPUR-M which will apparently increase my sperm quantities to industrial manufacturing levels. Consider these testimonials sent to me by Raymundo (I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same Raymundo who wrote to me once before?):

Satisfied Customers Testimonials

Jimmy —- 47, Male, UK
What you claim is wrong. My sperm volume didn’t
increase by 500%. It increased by a ZILLION %

Wow. A ZILLION %. Let me get out my calculator. Now, a zillion percent would be more than a million, for sure, and more than a billion. Obviously more than a trillion. A trillion has 12 zeroes so let’s give a zillion 13 zeroes for good measure (keep in mind it’s probably more than that). The average quantity of human ejaculate is something around 3ml so punching in the numbers that’s somewhere in the vicinity of 300,000,000 litres. Three hundred million litres of sperm. A 25 metre swimming pool holds about three hundred thousand litres. I sure hope Jimmy doesn’t move in next door to me.

Sharon — Female, UK
My husband decided to try SPUR-M, and the results
are great! I just love it when it starts spurting out

Note that Sharon says she loves it when it starts spurting out. Ten minutes and two thousand litres later, she’s starting to worry about the drapes.

Jose — 29, Male, USA
I cannot believe how good my semen has become. It is
a thick blob that shoots like a rocket. My wife says
she can feel the force with which my semen hits her
inside, which earlier she couldn’t even feel.

I bet she can Jose. The image of rioters being held at bay with a firehose springs alarmingly to mind.

Michael — 41, Male, Hong Kong
I always dreamt of shooting like a porn star and I
can do it now, my girl cannot eat as much as I can shoot.

I am SO not surprised Michael. Even on an empty stomach, that’s a big ask. By the by, is this a common dream, to “shoot like a porn star”? Do other guys have this dream?

“My wife and I had been looking for a product to help
with boosting male fertility. I am happy to say that
test results have improved in the time I have been
using Spur-M (2 months). Thank you for your assistance,
and for the supply of Spur-M”
M. Rosenberg, NYC, USA

Fertility? My God, with those quantities of sperm, M. Rosenberg will be fertilizing every woman on the planet, whether she wants it or not. Girls, hop to! Get your diaphragms and IUDs fitted snugly. M. Rosenberg might be on the job tonight!

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