Thanks Michael B. for this superb contribution to Tetherd Cow Ahead. The Cow salutes you.
An extra ration of grog all round!
Fri 16 Sep 2005
A is for Ant Allure
Posted by anaglyph under Spam Observations
[8] Comments
Spam Observations #13
Henry wrote to me today with a remedy for my failure to attract beautiful women:
Don’t you wish you could attract all the most gorgeous women around you each day? Its easier then you think. A few dabs of Ultra Allure Pheromones will have women fighting over you.
Women fighting over me? Would it be too much to hope for naked jelly-wrestling?
Scientifically proven to work- pheromones have been used for years now to attract women.
And ants.
Don’t be at a disadvantage anymore- pheromones will help any male attract women of all types and ages.
Awww… hang on, it’s starting to sound a bit indiscriminate… And scary. I don’t know if I want women of all types and ages flocking to my door. Does this Ultra Allure stuff come in a flavour that won’t attract Bronwyn Bishop or Pauline Hanson or Amanda Vanstone?*
Don’t be left behind! Millions of men are already benefiting from using pheromons to attract women-
(and ants…)
-without them you are at a disadvantage! Don’t let the other guy get the girl, arm yourself with Ultra Allure pheromones tonight!
Hang on, if all these other men are drenching themselves in these pheromones, and I do too, it’s just going to be one big pheromone free-for-all out there. Hey, maybe that’s it! Those poor crazed women are going to be so hormone-addled by the haze of pheromones that they’ll be just jumping anything that moves. It’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel!
If YOU would like to …
– Become a lot more sexually attractive.
Uh huh…
– Meet more beautiful women, MUCH more easily.
I’m listening…
– Grab the attention and get approached by women far more often.
Go on…
– Make a fantastic, memorable, compelling impression , every time.
Sounding good…
– Increase your self-confidence and masculinity BIG-time: then this may be the most important news you will read all year.
Henry, I’m sold! Where do I sign? Oh, just before I do, coupla quick questions: Women are not going to think I’m a giant ant are they? Because, like, giant ants are not really known for getting the girl, except in 1950s horror movies in which instance it generally turns out badly for the ant. And, um, just curious, but can you tell me if there are any known side-effects if Ultra Allure is used in conjunction with SPUR-M?
*Overseas visitors: Australian political figures who, if you are lucky, you will never ever read about again.
Thu 15 Sep 2005
Brief Candles
Posted by anaglyph under Brushes With Fame
[8] Comments
Brushes With Fame #2: Laura Huxley
It was 1987 as I recall, and I was on a British Airways flight from Los Angeles to London. I don’t much like flying, and I was really pleased to find myself in one of those great seats you sometimes get in a 747: Economy Class, but upstairs in the ‘bubble’ where First Class usually is. Because of the curve of the roof up there, they can only fit two seats in on each side, which means extra space and even a little shelf area next to the window seat. Quite comfortable. It’s a pretty long flight and I was hoping I wouldn’t get some really boring or obnoxious person sitting next to me.
The elderly lady who sat down was very elegant and well-spoken. We exchanged pleasantries as you do, and I settled myself down with my new portable CD player.
After the plane had taken off, I must have dozed, and when I opened my eyes, I noticed that the woman was looking at a film script. Being the nosey kind of person I am, I couldn’t help but notice words like ‘mescaline’, ‘LSD’, and ‘Timothy Leary’ on the page she was reading.
“Are you a film producer?” I asked, by way of conversation.
“Oh, no,” she laughed. “I’m just reading a script for a movie that people want to make about my late husband.”
“Oh,” said I. “Who was your husband, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“His name was Aldous Huxley”
I had only just finished reading Jay Stevens’ Storming Heaven one of the most informative and absorbing accounts of the influence of psychedelic drugs on the culture of the 1950s & ’60s. My mind leapt to his moving description of Aldous Huxley’s death from cancer, and how, on his deathbed he had asked his wife Laura to administer to him one final dose of LSD. And how she sat there and held his hand as he died.
The gracious woman sitting next to me was Laura Huxley.
I chatted to her in awe. I let her listen to my portable CD player – she had never seen one (they were relatively new then). She wrote her number in my diary, and urged me to look her up next time I was in Los Angeles.
I never did.
But I still have that diary page with her telephone number.
Wed 14 Sep 2005
Quackumentary Evidence
Posted by anaglyph under Science, Signs, Silly, Travel
[2] Comments
OK, so I was watching the DVD of the Jacques Perrin/Jacques Cluzaud documentary Travelling Birds (Le Peuple Migrateur) last night, and what should I see at about 8 minutes in, but the following sequence:
~Migratory ducks arrive in snowy landscape.
~Ducks settle down to weather out the cold and blustery night.
~Ducks awake in the morning. The blizzard has subsided.
~Ducks make many and sundry quacking noises.
~An avalanche begins and ducks fly away.
There you have it: a filmic record of a duck’s quack starting an avalanche! (Sure, the film-makers try and make it look like the avalanche startles the ducks and causes them to take flight, but I believe the footage speaks for itself. Go rent the DVD. Tell me I’m wrong.)
In further news, this site reveals that scientists at Sanford University have carried out a comprehensive Duck Quack and Echo experiment, so those nitpickers who scoffed at my own exposé (no names except to say Universal Head) can now go view a (sniff) proper experiment.
Tue 13 Sep 2005
With Friends Like These, Who Needs Anemones?
Posted by anaglyph under In The News, Whimsy
[9] Comments
I clipped this article from a newspaper a little while ago. It reads:
London: Divers undertaking routine maintenance work in a British harbour discovered a giant lobster standing guard over a barnacle-encrusted watch. The 60 centimetre lobster, which is thought to be more than 30 years old, was spotted by members of a diving club in Blyth Harbour, Northumberland.
On closer inspection they were amazed to find that the ancient crustacean appeared to be guarding a wristwatch. On their return to the surface the divers discovered that the watch – a Citizen Pulsar believed to have been underwater for at least three years – was still telling the time accurately to within a few seconds.
Moral: It doesn’t matter how carefully you look after the thing you love most, you probably won’t be able to stop some bastard from taking it away from you. And time still marches on.
Tue 13 Sep 2005
Cow Emergency Status
Posted by anaglyph under CowBlogTech
[3] Comments
Cow-o-philes all: Sorry for the lack of pictures on The Cow if you’ve tuned in this morning. The Los Angeles area has apparently had a huge electrical disaster affecting the Dreamhost servers where my sites are hosted. Service is slowly being restored.
