Tetherd Cow Ahead

Spam Observations #35

Fabron Jenkins wrote to me this morning with an offer to sell me some Via.gra and to give me some frank, if slightly nauseating, advice.

From: Fabron Jenkins
Via.gra Email from ED. Lowest Pr1ce Guaranteed

Taking sildenafil after eating a high-fat meal (such as a cheeseburger and french fries) may cause the medication to take a little longer to start working.

So, ladies, are you conjuring up the same image as I get – some fat guy scoffing down a cheeseburger and a bucket of fries, impatiently waiting for his equipment to come online so he can play Hide the Salami? I bet that’s got you in the mood.

It set me to wondering if there might be a less, er, low-rent approach to selling this kind of product. And where else would one turn for such a makeover but to a writer of classical repute? So, spammers, pay attention as our new TCA Copywriter (By Appointment), Mr R. Brooke, sets his quill to the matter:

Mummia* ~ Rupert Brooke

As those of old drank mummia
To fire their limbs of lead,
Making dead kings from Africa
Stand pandar to their bed;

Drunk on the dead, and medicined
With spiced imperial dust,
In a short night they reeled to find
Ten centuries of lust.

So I, from paint, stone, tale, and rhyme,
Stuffed love’s infinity,
And sucked all lovers of all time
To rarify ecstasy.

Helen’s the hair shuts out from me
Verona’s livid skies;
Gypsy the lips I press; and see
Two Antonys in your eyes.

The unheard invisible lovely dead
Lie with us in this place,
And ghostly hands above my head
Close face to straining face;

Their blood is wine along our limbs;
Their whispering voices wreathe
Savage forgotten drowsy hymns
Under the names we breathe;

Woven from their tomb, and one with it,
The night wherein we press;
Their thousand pitchy pyres have lit
Your flaming nakedness.

For the uttermost years have cried and clung
To kiss your mouth to mine;
And hair long dust was caught, was flung,
Hand shaken to hand divine,

And Life has fired, and Death not shaded,
All Time’s uncounted bliss,
And the height o’ the world has flamed and faded,
Love, that our love be this!

Now. Fabron. Can you see the difference here? “Their blood is wine along our limbs, their whispering voices wreathe savage, forgotten drowsy hymns…” Can you hear the customers shouting: My God! Mr Brooke! Take my credit card! Give me a year’s supply of the stuff!?

Fabron, do you understand at all how the involvement of a cheeseburger in your pitch kinda takes the spark out of the moment?

Fabron? Fabron?

Crap. There I go talking to myself again.
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*Mummia, an alleged aphrodisiac and concoction for improving one’s amorous stamina was in use for many centuries. It was made from ground-up Egyptian mummies.†

The picture at the head of the post is a container for mummia. Go visit Ingenious and read all about it. And buy a poster from them.

†Never let it be said that you ever walked away from The Cow without some little useful party-conversation-enriching tidbit…

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Yes, Wondercum!

I suppose you’re all wondering why I keep saying Wondercum? Well, this morning I noticed that my blog hits had spiked outta control yesterday so I did a little bit of stat investigation and whaddya know! I’ve been visited by by zillions* of people looking for Wondercum! I’m not slow! I immediately grokked that if I mention Wondercum a lot, I’m really going to bump up my hit count!†

So I want to give a big shout-out to all you visitors to The Cow looking to increase your sperm quantities to Flood Warning Levels. My personal recommendation is that you forget the Wondercum (it’s probably just as effective as green apples, but I’m wagering far less palatable) and stick around for a few laughs and some intellect expansion here at Tetherd Cow Ahead.

We’ll save you money and give you a much better chance with the chicks.

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*Exaggeration. I feel that this is allowable in the realms of Sperm Spam World.

†I also realise that this means I’m implicitly riding on the coat tails of spammers. It’s about time I got something back from them.

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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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Spam Observations #34

Hi, Dear!

(Talk about familiar).

em….. I gotta tell you something. Some years ago I used to watch porno often.

Whoa! Straight into the nitty gritty there bro! Not even a polite ‘How’s the weather?’ I sincerely hope you don’t take the same approach in the boudoir…

I always admired those guys cumming. They splashed out so much sperm on their girls, it looked so cool, so manlike.

Oh, OK. Scratch that last thought. I can see that you’re not the kind of guy that overly concerns himself with foreplay.

Now I have a girlfriend.. but quantity of my sperm was so scanty, that I felt ill at ease.

Well, the thing to marvel at here of course is that you found a girlfriend at all if your main object in sex is to climb aboard for a quick horizontal tango and then drench her with a couple of gallons of sperm.

I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn’t help.

O-k-a-y… and the fact that you’re dumb enough to fall for that particular claptrap makes me want to read on exactly… why…?

A month ago I was hanging around at the bar with my best friend. And he said that I should try WONDERCUM.

Did he do it the same way you just did? Like, he just moseyed up and said “Hey Norwood – nice tie – you should try WONDERCUM!” without any preamble or context? Is that how conversation goes with spammers?

Well, – I thought, – sounds interesting.

It went more like this for me: “Well, – I thought, – if I ever find you Norwood, you piece of walking excrement, I’m going to kill you with my bare hands”.

Next day I came to know that it was really a highly effective all-natural dietary supplement, which not only increases the sperm volume but also improves the sperm quality and the mobility of spermatozoa.

Yeah, because we all know that the topmost thing on porn stars’ minds is sperm mobility.

Having ordered and tried I was shocked how cool it was.

Is ‘shocked’ really the word you’re looking for here fella? Or maybe WONDERCUM is supplied refrigerated? I guess that would be shocking, especially if it’s applied topically.

I’d even say, it changed my life. I’m happy.

Oh wait… it’s a sperm enhancer and anti-depressant? There’s a first.

I even became a better lover, knowing how it all would end.

That’s very deep. Do you mean that this product has given you an existential grasp of meaning and relevance, and some kind of insight into the fate of all things?

By the way, read about WONDERCUM at this site: http://www.spurmspam.net

I think I’ve read pretty much all I nead to read about WONDERCUM, Norwood old chap. Thanks for getting in touch. Now, go mop up the bedroom and don’t bother me again.

(Notice that Norwood doesn’t ever claim that the volume or quality of his sperm was in fact increased at all. He says it was ‘cool’, it ‘changed his life’, that he ‘came to know’ that WONDERCUM ‘improves sperm quality’. What – is he afraid of getting sued for misrepresenting the product or something? That must constitute a first among spammers.)
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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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Spam Observations #33

Now I’m being bothered by cheap lesbians.

From: vickie@tedious_spam.com
Subject: Hey Brittany Check Out This Watch

I just got my wife a Bvlgari watch and she really loves it. I can’t afford to spend $30 000 on a watch for her, though I would love to; but this did the trick. It looks exactly like the real thing and she’s actually glad I didn’t spend $30 000 on a watch but saved $29 750 instead. This turned out perfect guys, thanks for providing such a great product, with such great prices.

– Melanie

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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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Spam Observations #32

David Ellis wrote to me this morning with his sad story:

My name is DAVID ELLIS of United Kingdom,I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

It has defiled all forms of medical treatment? That’s some disgusting cancer.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

Well, now see, that’s an old story Dave. You’re not the first to have that particular light bulb come on way too late. You obviously weren’t paying attention in Bible Class.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Gee, and it’s gonna be a real bummer if you don’t get a second chance because, for instance, there is no God.

Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

Uh huh.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations,

Ever heard the expression ‘Closing the gate after the horse has bolted’? Oh, I forget – Christianity, quite mind-bogglingly, allows that particular about-face.

as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Somalia and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the cash deposit of Four Million,Five Hundred thousand Great British Pounds Sterling Only that I have with a finance institution in UK. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and despatch it to charity organizations. I have set aside 20% for you and for your time.

OK, let’s just recap there Dave. Your family has pinched the piles of cash that you set aside to help charities, so understandably you don’t trust them. However, your solution to this is to offer the money for safekeeping to me, a complete stranger picked at random on the internet. Now, exactly how is it that you got to be wealthy? Evidently not through cunning investment strategies.

A few things: 20% of £4.5 million by my calculation is £900,000. Dave, I hate to break it to you, but in the world of online money-shuffling schemes this is kinda peanuts. Prince Mike Okoye from Nigeria offered me $27 million last week to mind money for him, and Mr. Maraa Massaquoe from Sierra Leone suggested I might like to have $35 million of his generous fortune for my trouble. I know you’ve got a repulsive cancer and all, but really, it hardly seems worth my time.

Even the GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTERY for which I didn’t have to do a thing, gave me a larger swag of cash (yeah, OK, so I’m still waiting for the cheque, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not going to pay up that fast either).

Please send your reply to God be with you. DAVID ELLIS

Er. I don’t quite understand. Am I sending my reply to God or you? I guess God is probably a better option, since you don’t sound like you’re in for the long haul.

Now excuse me Dave, I’d like to stay and chat all day, but there’s work to be done. Chief Oyinbolowo Eko from Zimbabwe has promised me $21 million if I can get his camel through the eye of a needle.

It seems like a safer bet than trying to help you get into the Kingdom of Heaven.

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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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Spam Observations #31

Hey, I got an email from Raymundo again today! Always nice to hear from old feiends:

From: raymundo@sisna.com
Subject: The Largest collection of home video high
Date: 15 September 2006 9:54:32 AM

I’m sad to say his condition sounds much worse:

wanna eyes?

now CollegeFukckTour is a repality styale site, that feaftures movies and imamges of hot 18-24 yeadrs old colrlege girls who have to deal with extxreme puwssy poungding actiobn for theiir very firsxt time.

I repally hpope his prbolem isnxt catschtbing.

Uh-oh.

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Don’t forget to vote for my post What I Believe But Cannot Prove in The Philosophy Blog War!

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