Tetherd Cow Ahead

Spam Observations #30

My feiend Jacquelyn wrote to me this morning with this offer:

Dear client.
You crave to shoot like a film star…?
Tonight you’ll prove your volume!

I sent off immediately!

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*Or: Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Spam Observations #29

Over the last week, my inbox has been assaulted by numerous variations on the following:

From Marshall:

Tyson verbalized to me that you probably discovered about the deal on losing those extra pds, my time has been taken up with this schedule, that has been consulting me lose my spare tire. Burton and me have been on this therapy

From Louise:

Darrell spoken to me that you presumably heard about the knowledge on living a fuller, better life, I have been so busy on this diet, that has been assisting me get back in how I was in college. Jerome and me have been on this program

From Rupert:

Lolita verbalized to me that you probably discovered about the news on making those calories work for you, just wanted you to hear about the new program, that has been guiding me shed those xtra pds. Florine and me have been on this therapy

Marshall, Tyson, Burton, Louise, Darrell, Jerome, Rupert, Lolita, Florine. Who the hell are all these fat people and why are they bothering me?

Spam Observations #28

My new feiend, Grant Newell wrote to me this morning to let me know that:

SOFT CIANLIS would help you to bring back some romantic moments that u lost in past.

And I thought that if there really was a pill that would bring back some romantic moments that I lost in the past, I might possibly develop my first substance abuse problem.

Spam Observations #27

My pal Tony wrote to me this morning asking me the question:

has your energy level been down newly or still jaded all the time? I indubitably am, that is why i am radiant i came upon

http://www.pleaseflushmymoneydownthetoilet.com

Now this is obviously someone who has not learned their English as a first language, but this begs the question, where exactly have these annoying pests learned to write like this?

Look at those words: ‘jaded’?; ‘radiant’; ‘indubitably‘?

From Daffy Duck cartoons, perhaps? That would explain an awful lot.

Alex Dragulescu, a clever man if ever I saw one, has performed a near-miracle. He has taken the torrent of unadulterated swill generated by spammers and turned it into something beautiful.

Go and visit his gallery of Spam Plants to see what I mean, and make sure you take a look at some of his other inspiring work too.

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Thanks jedimacfan for pointing me to Alex’s site!

Spam Observations #26

On the weekend, someone called Ted Herring (or Kenton Winn – yes, you guessed it, SIC* strikes again) wrote to me breathlessly:

From: ted_herring@shit4brains.biz
Subject: Fw: Hi! I have good news!

Greetings Reverend!.

How are you? I hope you are fine. I missed you so much honey. I have been thinking about our last meeting so much…

O-k-a-y… So. That was an important meeting, then? Honey?

…and I’ll never forget all the fun we had together that month.

(Looks like it left more of an impression on Ted/Kenton than it did on me. I must have been really smashed).

About me all the same, same town same city same job hheheh all the same I am bored and I cant wait to visit u next year.

No. God. Please no! I’m not living here, er there, er, wherever we had fun that month.

Almost nothing has changed between us; my hart is waiting for you.

Hart? Hmm. I don’t remember a deer either. Man it must have been perverted.

Hey, and what do you mean by ‘almost nothing has changed between us’? Are you keeping something from me Ted?

By the way, do you remember that distributor of art, who helped me selling different items,

No.

yes, that ones I was reselling to Artists and Collectors.

Nope. Not ringing a bell. But then I guess if I don’t remember a deer…

Their Comicion to our money-bags!!

Right on! (I have no idea what he’s waffling about).

They want to sell their antiques at the Art Market in Australia. But they have some reasons for not opening a branch in Australia for the moment. Maybe next year, this means that I can move to Sydney very soon.

Don’t feel you need to hurry… I might be moving anyway. To… er… Tierra del Fuego, yes, that’s it. To start up, er… an anchovy trawling business…

The only thing I can say is that I’ve worked with this company for a long time and they are really the best bosses I ever had in my life, you know all the time I have in my life for my activities.

Yes, I’m beginning to get some idea.

In short they are searching for people for distant-work. This job will take only couple of hours a day, but blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah…

…ad nauseum. He signs off:

PS. By the way, you promised me to call and didn’t keep it. It’s no good forgetting your old and faithful friend. I’ll always be glad to here from you,

Remember me to your mates,
Love you Heepss,

Kenton Winn

So mateys. I’m remembering Ted/Kenton to you all. And I’m sending on all your email addresses so he can love you heepss as well.

I know you’ll want to here from and old and faithful friend. And his deer.
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*Spammer Identity Confusion. In case you forgot.