Mummia @ Ingenious

Spam Observations #35

Fabron Jenkins wrote to me this morning with an offer to sell me some Via.gra and to give me some frank, if slightly nauseating, advice.

From: Fabron Jenkins
Via.gra Email from ED. Lowest Pr1ce Guaranteed

Taking sildenafil after eating a high-fat meal (such as a cheeseburger and french fries) may cause the medication to take a little longer to start working.

So, ladies, are you conjuring up the same image as I get – some fat guy scoffing down a cheeseburger and a bucket of fries, impatiently waiting for his equipment to come online so he can play Hide the Salami? I bet that’s got you in the mood.

It set me to wondering if there might be a less, er, low-rent approach to selling this kind of product. And where else would one turn for such a makeover but to a writer of classical repute? So, spammers, pay attention as our new TCA Copywriter (By Appointment), Mr R. Brooke, sets his quill to the matter:

Mummia* ~ Rupert Brooke

As those of old drank mummia
To fire their limbs of lead,
Making dead kings from Africa
Stand pandar to their bed;

Drunk on the dead, and medicined
With spiced imperial dust,
In a short night they reeled to find
Ten centuries of lust.

So I, from paint, stone, tale, and rhyme,
Stuffed love’s infinity,
And sucked all lovers of all time
To rarify ecstasy.

Helen’s the hair shuts out from me
Verona’s livid skies;
Gypsy the lips I press; and see
Two Antonys in your eyes.

The unheard invisible lovely dead
Lie with us in this place,
And ghostly hands above my head
Close face to straining face;

Their blood is wine along our limbs;
Their whispering voices wreathe
Savage forgotten drowsy hymns
Under the names we breathe;

Woven from their tomb, and one with it,
The night wherein we press;
Their thousand pitchy pyres have lit
Your flaming nakedness.

For the uttermost years have cried and clung
To kiss your mouth to mine;
And hair long dust was caught, was flung,
Hand shaken to hand divine,

And Life has fired, and Death not shaded,
All Time’s uncounted bliss,
And the height o’ the world has flamed and faded,
Love, that our love be this!

Now. Fabron. Can you see the difference here? “Their blood is wine along our limbs, their whispering voices wreathe savage, forgotten drowsy hymns…” Can you hear the customers shouting: My God! Mr Brooke! Take my credit card! Give me a year’s supply of the stuff!?

Fabron, do you understand at all how the involvement of a cheeseburger in your pitch kinda takes the spark out of the moment?

Fabron? Fabron?

Crap. There I go talking to myself again.

*Mummia, an alleged aphrodisiac and concoction for improving one’s amorous stamina was in use for many centuries. It was made from ground-up Egyptian mummies.†

The picture at the head of the post is a container for mummia. Go visit Ingenious and read all about it. And buy a poster from them.

†Never let it be said that you ever walked away from The Cow without some little useful party-conversation-enriching tidbit…