Tetherd Cow Ahead

Satan’s Cologne too rich for your blood? Well here at The Cow we are pleased to be able to point you to a real world alternative. Yes shoppers, at the Demeter Fragrance Library you can purchase the fragrance of Holy Water in your choice of Cologne, Calming Spray or Bath & Shower Gel.

Fight vampires and smell nice too!

UPDATE: I just noticed that ‘Funeral Home’, one of the fragrances in the Library, was designed by Christopher Brosius from ‘I Hate Perfume’, who has been mentioned in despatches previously.
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While you’re there, be sure to spray on a little Laundromat, or Riding Crop. Or maybe Funeral Home is more your thing.

You can bet that I’ve put a dozen of these gems on order!

When looking evil is simply not enough…

Once upon a time a very long time ago, there was a man who may or may not have been real, but who stood for good things and went through some hard times.

Over many years, the legend of this man has grown and grown until today when many millions of people are unable (or unwilling) to think rationally about what this man’s real place in history might have been, and if his philosophies and actions do indeed have any relevance to today’s world.

Much has been written about this man and indeed, many major motion pictures have been made about his story, some of them quite controversial indeed.

This weekend many people stop to reflect on the life of this man and his loyal followers, fugitives all, who fled the law of the day and lived in great risk in order to bring light into the lives of common people.

Yes, I am of course talking about Robin Hood.

Well, the chocolate bunnies and eggs WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE IF I WAS!

Now c’mon you Christians, explain the bunnies & eggs. Without recourse to pagan fertility symbolism. I dare you.

Out of curiosity I did a Google search for “chocolate crucifix” as research for this post, and found that, well, there just aren’t that many options. It seems that while Christians are quite willing to accept chocolate pagan symbols into their festival, Jesus and the crucifixion don’t make the grade. This seems extremely peculiar, given the level of other Christian tack available out there…

Last July, fellow blogger and faithful Cow Reader Radiocative Jam spotted what appeared to be God’s SUV whilst on his way to work. Yes folks, it seems that like mostly everyone else God is totally unconcerned about Global Warming and is happy to chew up the fossil fuels with reckless abandon.*

Anyway, the other day I am driving down Botany Road in Alexandria, Sydney, and I cruise up behind this black jeep at the lights. The license plate reads SATAN.

Now I am completely aware that not one single reader is going to believe me after my recent escapades with a certain feline minion of the Dark One, so at great risk to an elderly pedestrian nun, and physical risk to my own person (of a hernia), I retrieve my cell phone from my pocket with a view to snapping a crystal clear shot of the plate.

Too late – before I can say ‘Beelzebub’s Bollocks!”, the jeep is out of range and heading for Hades. I’ve got an iceberg’s chance in Hell of catching him. I realize that you’ll all be scoffing in disdain at the above shot, but it’s the best I could do. Moments later the jeep had disappeared in an oily black puff of diesel and brimstone.†

*Well, I guess in His case, he can argue that He made them, so he can bleedin’ well do what he likes with them…

†One of the tail lights was broken, but I wouldn’t want to be the cop that pulled him over…

Is your computer behaving erratically? Do you suffer from Hangs, Crashes or Freezes? Did you ‘accidentally’ open that ‘hotnakedwives’ jpeg or click on the ‘Nude Kim Possible!’ link that was ‘mysteriously’ sent to your email address last week? Have you comprehensively failed to practice safe text?

Well, Intrepid Internet Adventurer fear no more!!!

TCA Enterprisesâ„¢ in association with Hello From Hell Inc. offers to you here, for the very first time on the internet, The Virtual Homeopathic Cure.

Yes this Cure, acting in much the same way as a conventional Homeopathic Cure works in the Real World, is presented in the form of the neutral-tasting, and almost completely transparent Virtual Glass of Water (VGW)â„¢! The VGWâ„¢ has been created ENTIRELY DIGITALLY from the very same bits that Evil Computer Hackers use to make their Dreaded Viruses! Here at TCA, our scientists have taken those bits and distilled them down to just 1 billion billionths of their former strength and used them to create a remedy that will protect you FOREVER from the scourges of Worms, RATs, Trojans and bugs.

How Does it Work?

Just view the picture above on the screen of any computer you believe might be infected! Yes, that’s ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!! By activating the Homeopathic Law of Digital Similars the VGWâ„¢ goes to work immediately on your computer without you even being aware of anything happening! INCREDIBLE! Behind the scenes, the VGWâ„¢ is cleansing every single bit in your RAM, on your hard drive, and in your cables using Atto-Magnetic Rotation (AMR)â„¢ and Double Spin Holographic Resonance (DSHR)â„¢. As long as you keep the VGWâ„¢ somewhere on your hard drive, and view it from time to time (our Researchers suggest weekly), we give you our 100% MONEY BACK GUARANTEE that your computer will BEHAVE BETTER and FEEL MORE FRIENDLY than it has ever been! Not only that, your screen will appear SHARPER and and all websites and emails will be CLEARER and MORE DEFINED. In addition, your keyboard will feel MORE RESPONSIVE, typing errors will DRAMATICALLY DECREASE and unwanted spam will be REDUCED BY HALF!!

How Much Does it Cost?

Well, as a Special Introductory Offer, we are making the VGWâ„¢ available to readers of Tetherd Cow Ahead ABSOLUTELY FREE! Yes, you heard me right, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Best of all the VGWâ„¢ is already working on your computer!!! The Virtual Homeopathic Technology we have used is SO POWERFUL that just by viewing the image in this post, viruses have been cleansed from your system.

There’s No Such Thing as a Free Lunch. What’s the Catch?

Faithful Readers. I know you will be SO IMPRESSED by the VGWâ„¢ and SO GRATEFUL to have been given the chance to be the first to experience this revolution in Computer Health that you will be wanting to share the VGWâ„¢ with ALL your friends. That’s right Folks, I want you to be my Watery Army and start The New Flood! Send the VGWâ„¢ to all your friends! Send them a link to this post! And make sure they send the Word on to their friends, and to their friends’ friends!†

Why Are You Using So Many Capital Letters and Exclamation Marks?

I DON’T KNOW! I just started writing this post and I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!!!

So, all you Aquifying Acolytes, off you go to Splash the word around! I want to see my web counter clock fifty thousand hits by the end of the week! Onward towards a Healthier, Happier and Wetter Internet!!!

†And while you’re at it, how about some product endorsements in the Comments?

Since I’m casting down moral aspersions from up here on my high horse (or high cow, should I say)…

It’s plain to see that in this modern world the original Ten Commandments are, well, not keeping up. It’s obviously time for a re-write to put the Commandments in line with what appear to be the acceptable modern morals. So, herewith, The New Amended Ten Commandments:

TenCommâ„¢ v2.0 (beta)*:

1. Thou shall have no other God before me. Except if that God is Mammon. Then it’s entirely OK. (If your God is Mammon, skip the rest of TenComm 2.0. It will all be old news to you).

2. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain. Except if you slam the car door on your hand. Or use the name of the Lord to promote commercial endeavours such as candy, mortgage schemes or especially your new Pentecostal-style church.

3. Thou shall observe the Sabbath and keep it Holy. Except if the football is on. Or if you have to rake in some money from your new Pentecostal-style church.

4. Thou shall honour thy father and thy mother. Except if they try to instill in you some kind of thoughtful moral standards and sense of empathy for your fellow human. In which case do all that you can to disappoint them. (Special Dispensation: if you are a clone, you may ignore this Commandment).

5. Thou shall not kill. Except if undertaking ‘Crusades’. Then it’s OK to kill, maim, rape, steal and, oh heck, break every one of TenComm v1.0. In general it’s OK to kill at any time if you invoke the name of God. It’s especially OK if at some stage in the proceedings the victim has invoked the name of his/her differing God.

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Except if you are a prominent member of the Church, a politician or an influential business person (or Hollywood personality), in which case it’s perfectly OK. Oh, also, if you’re concerned that you are committing adultery, then just get divorced.

7. Thou shall not steal. Except if you can do it without getting caught. Or if you run a Pentecostal or other cult-style church, in which case you may steal a tenth of the salary of the suckers who join up.

8. Thou shall not bear false witness. Except if you are in a postion of power, such as the church, police force, or especially the government. In which case, just rearrange the facts to suit your story, and then make that the law.

9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s wife. Unless she is Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, etc, in which case, covet away. Don’t get caught.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s oxen. Because who really wants an oxen, right? They are big and dumb and will shit copiously on your carpet. You may, however, covet with impugnity your neighbour’s plasma tv, Porsche Boxter, or Armani suit. In fact you are encouraged to do so to keep the economy lubricated.

Stay tuned for Seven Deadly Sins v2.0. Coming soon.

*All readers of The Cow are elgible to be in the beta test program. Bug reports accepted in Comments.