Since I’m casting down moral aspersions from up here on my high horse (or high cow, should I say)…

It’s plain to see that in this modern world the original Ten Commandments are, well, not keeping up. It’s obviously time for a re-write to put the Commandments in line with what appear to be the acceptable modern morals. So, herewith, The New Amended Ten Commandments:

TenCommâ„¢ v2.0 (beta)*:

1. Thou shall have no other God before me. Except if that God is Mammon. Then it’s entirely OK. (If your God is Mammon, skip the rest of TenComm 2.0. It will all be old news to you).

2. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain. Except if you slam the car door on your hand. Or use the name of the Lord to promote commercial endeavours such as candy, mortgage schemes or especially your new Pentecostal-style church.

3. Thou shall observe the Sabbath and keep it Holy. Except if the football is on. Or if you have to rake in some money from your new Pentecostal-style church.

4. Thou shall honour thy father and thy mother. Except if they try to instill in you some kind of thoughtful moral standards and sense of empathy for your fellow human. In which case do all that you can to disappoint them. (Special Dispensation: if you are a clone, you may ignore this Commandment).

5. Thou shall not kill. Except if undertaking ‘Crusades’. Then it’s OK to kill, maim, rape, steal and, oh heck, break every one of TenComm v1.0. In general it’s OK to kill at any time if you invoke the name of God. It’s especially OK if at some stage in the proceedings the victim has invoked the name of his/her differing God.

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Except if you are a prominent member of the Church, a politician or an influential business person (or Hollywood personality), in which case it’s perfectly OK. Oh, also, if you’re concerned that you are committing adultery, then just get divorced.

7. Thou shall not steal. Except if you can do it without getting caught. Or if you run a Pentecostal or other cult-style church, in which case you may steal a tenth of the salary of the suckers who join up.

8. Thou shall not bear false witness. Except if you are in a postion of power, such as the church, police force, or especially the government. In which case, just rearrange the facts to suit your story, and then make that the law.

9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s wife. Unless she is Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, etc, in which case, covet away. Don’t get caught.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s oxen. Because who really wants an oxen, right? They are big and dumb and will shit copiously on your carpet. You may, however, covet with impugnity your neighbour’s plasma tv, Porsche Boxter, or Armani suit. In fact you are encouraged to do so to keep the economy lubricated.

Stay tuned for Seven Deadly Sins v2.0. Coming soon.

*All readers of The Cow are elgible to be in the beta test program. Bug reports accepted in Comments.