Tetherd Cow Ahead

You will remember that in recent times I wrote a letter to my buddy Prophet Peter Popoff in an effort to make the discourse between us more of an actual discourse and less of a him-just-crapping-on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on with the baffling and profuse garblings I have come to expect.

My epistle has not, it appears, even halted him in his tracks, and this week he sent me another five foolscap pages of claptrap.

Except… wait… what have we here..? A questionnaire..?

OMG! Maybe I’ve been too hasty in dismissing Prophet Pete’s Predictive Powers. Why would he ask a question like that unless…

Oh Holy Crap! And what’s this:

Yes Prophet Pete! Oh yes, you’re right, you’re right!!! I managed to trick it outside this morning but – Jesus, Mary and Joseph! – it’s trying to get in again!!!.

Prophet Pete! I’m sorry I ever doubted your magnificent powers! Please come ’round with your Holy Water and Golden Braid as quick as you can! I can hear the mournful keening of the creature even now as I sit quaking under a table in the corner farthest from the window.

I know it can only be a matter of time before my soul is beyond salvation…

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Hey CowPokes!! Don’t Forget: the Christmas Competition is still running! Be sure to get yer entry in!

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I suppose that you’ve all been on the edge of your seats waiting to find out if Prophet Peter Popoff would manage to find time in his busy schedule to reply to my reply to his missives to me. Well Cow fans, fret not! Last week I had a personal reply from Prophet Pete acknowledging my correspondence!

Well, in a manner of speaking.

Prophet Pete professes to be pleased to hear from me and yet his verbose (now that’s a surprise) response neglects to address any of the topics I raised when I wrote to him. Golly gosh, it’s almost like he didn’t even read my letter!

Prophet Popoff seems to believe that he and I have now developed some kind of special spiritual bonding (even though he doesn’t have a lot of interest in anything I say) and spares no effort to give me the benefit of his irksome and clichéd ‘wisdom’. Somewhere ’round about paragraph 4, though, the tone of his writing changes and he begins to get disturbingly familiar:

In this personal letter I must share certain things with you The Holy Spirit has “revealed” to me.

Uh oh.

This morning, during my prayer time (5.30 am) a powerful anointing came over me as I called your name. As I prayed, God showed me something unusual 3 different times… I FELT A POWERFUL ANOINTING “RELEASED” AND FLOWING BETWEEN US. I don’t have the interpretation yet, but I will.

Well I have an interpretation, but I’m really not going to elaborate because, well, it makes me feel kind of queasy. If it’s all the same to you Prophet Pete, I’d just as soon you didn’t call out my name at 5.30 am in the middle of a powerful flowing, or at the very least, just keep that information to yourself.

Prophet P goes on to tell me of the three visions he’s had for me – three things that God has revealed to him. #1 involves the packing of boxes…

Are you planning some kind of move?

… he asks. My God! The man is psychic! How could he possibly know? Now I’m really paying attention for Vision #2 but it’s just plain boring (and completely wrong). Let’s skip to Vision #3 where we hit paydirt:

Have you been praying for a certain amount of money for something special? Yes ___ No ___ How much? ___

Yes! I have been praying for some money Prophet Pete! How much? Three BILLION DOLLARS! I know, I know, that sounds a little bit greedy, but heck, this is praying, right – may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb! Even more spooky though, I’ve been praying for a pet eagle!

The letter rambles on in the manner I’ve come to expect (excluding, strangely, the underlinings and coloured annotations of previous letters), and after asking for some money Prophet Pete signs off with the usual guff and urges me to write down any unusual dreams. Since he has comprehensively failed to acknowledge my request for details on any dreams he may have had involving a ‘tetherd cow’, I am forced to conclude that he has no real interest at all in my own visions and therefore worth no further attention.

So adios Prophet Peter Popoff. If you want to get any further coverage on Tetherd Cow Ahead you’re going to have to do significant work on your schtick. Of course, if my pet eagle arrives tomorrow with a cheque for, oh, say, a cool billion, I’ll be quite prepared to eat crow.

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*We spell it cheque. You’d best be checking your spelling when in our country, n00b.

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I know you’ve all been on the edge of your seats for further updates in the Prophet Peter Popoff saga and today’s good news is that I’ve finally sent off a letter to him!

A Swish of the Cow’s Tail to Colonel Colonel for planting the inspiration for ‘The Pancake of Hope’ and I am hereby pleased to award him a Cow Medallion for his part in the Prophet Peter Popoff Panto.

ClickOnThePicâ„¢ to read!*

Now we shall see of what kind of stuff Prophet Pete is made, and whether his prophecies standard up to The Cow Challenge!

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*I figure that if Amazon can patent OneClickâ„¢ then I’m going to attempt to patent anything that occurs to me.

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These are the things I have accumulated so far in my Relics of Prophet Peter Popoff Series. Cool huh? I bet you all want some now. I am still coveting the Dead Sea Salt, which I was promised but never received.

But I guess I’m not supposed to covet, according to the Bible.

Maybe I will write and ask Peter P for some though, for doesn’t the Bible also say ‘Ask and ye shall receive’? I certainly won’t have to waste a stamp.

By the way, July 7 has passed without anything of significance happening in my life, in contradiction to Prophet Pete’s prediction. Hands up who’s surprised?

OH GOD IT NEVER STOPS!

Drown me in a butt of malmsey! Today, even MORE correspondence from Peter Popoff! This time another MILLION pages of mind-fogging writings and underlinings. And pictures of Prophet Pete. And promises of uncountable fortunes. And dire warnings. And prophecies. And stickers with leaves on them.

I will not bore you much further with any of this (unless he remembers to send me my “bag” of Dead Sea Salt – that’s surely worth a picture), except to say that scanning down the letter I notice that this time he is promising to have included money in this installment. Yes, MONEY!

Oh happy happy joy joy! MONEY! I search through the forest of foolscap pages and find:

That stuff in the little “bag” on the left is supposed to be the money. It is shredded. And according to the instructions I’m supposed to burn the money with the teeny candle and do something with the resulting ashes (oh, really WHO CARES…?)

If you look very closely you can see that the ‘money’ is really only printed on one side. Just like Peter Popoff, it’s fake.

On the Good News side, I now have THREE reply-paid envelopes. You can bet Prophet Pete is going to be hearing from me real soon.

OK, so I didn’t actually drink the Miracle Spring Water, so much, but it has been about five days. I opened the letter…

Oh beat me senseless with a salmon – TWO MORE FOOLSCAP PAGES of nutty rambling. I can’t begin to describe to you the effect that this has on my brain. And to think I found the Special One Drop Liquid challenging…

Now Prophet Pete is asking me for money (hands up who is surprised?).

I am asking you to plant a HOLY CONSECRATED SEED for a Great Harvest Offering of $17.00. No I don’t want you to send $37 or $77…

Oh silly me. When he said ‘$17.00’ I immediately thought “Oh, surely Prophet Pete you mean $77!”

No. SEND EXACTLY $17.00. Because 1 is the number of the Father… and 7 is the Father’s number of perfection.

Of course! It’s SO obvious! But… erm.. then why not $71.00??

Prophet Pete goes on to predict some remarkable events for my life, including something MIRACULOUS happening on July 7th, possibly the thing he saw in a ‘vision’ revealed to him by God:

I saw a total stranger giving you a beautiful box. When you opened it, joy overwhelmed you when you saw it was filled with money.

Personally, I’m thinking that if a total stranger gave me a box full of money, the expression you might see on my face would more likely be suspicion. Nevertheless, since I’ve been pre-warned by Prophet Popoff, I’m standing by to be overjoyed on July 7. You can be sure I’ll report the events of the day here on The Cow.

Around about this time in the letters, Prophet Pete ratchets up his monetary request from $17 to $27 but neglects to say what the number ‘2’ represents in this case. Maybe 2 is the number of The Holy Ghost, who has been conspicuously absent since the promise of His Instructions in Envelope #1. Or was it Envelope #2. Christ, it’s all so COMPLICATED.

Then, Prophet Pete tells me:

I am going to give you a “Bag”.* In this bag there is some prayer-blessed Dead Sea Salt, this Dead Sea Salt is in and of itself very special.

I know that you are at the moment tormented by an important and serious problem. That is why you must open the bag and use the secret anointed Dead Sea Salt exactly as I direct.

I’ve rummaged through all the papers and I can’t find the “Bag” with the Dead Sea Salt so I guess I don’t get that unless I send off my $17/$27 and empty Miracle Spring Water vial, which is a shame. I’d really like a “Bag” of Dead Sea Salt, but somehow I suspect my $17 would only buy me a 0.17c “Bag” of Saxa.

Sigh. I can’t go on. Truly, Cow fans, this is one remarkably exhausting pile of nonsense. I’d love to tell you about the ‘Silver and Gold BRACELET OF BLESSING’, the offer of Prophet Pete’s PRIVATE PHONE NUMBER and the direct revelations from the prophet AGABUS, but I can already sense you nodding off (like I did every time I looked at the pages of printing and scrawled annotations).

Eventually Prophet Peter Popoff bids farewell:

Egad. Today, Tomorrow and FOREVER. The very thought makes me nauseous. Forever is a really long time. I hate to think how many more pages of impenetrable claptrap he could churn out if he had FOREVER to do it.

I still intend to send off something to Peter Popoff in his reply-paid envelope, and I would love to hear any further suggestions of how we might bring the same kind of joy into his life that he has brought into ours.

In the meantime, it seem appropriate to see what The Spawn would make of Prophet Pete’s Wisdom.

Yes. As I thought.

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*Who knows why this is in quotes?

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