Tetherd Cow Ahead

Brothers and Sisters!

I can only think that another MIRACLE has occurred since last we spoke. At that time, as you will recall, I was about to open my SECRET envelope with MIRACLE WATER and HOLY GHOST INSTRUCTIONS but I have to confess that SATAN stayed my hand and I put off my task!

And then, AS IF HE COULD READ MY MIND I had another communique from Prophet Peter Popoff! Yes, when I arrived home this afternoon, there he was in my letter box again, this time with a portrait!

Prophet Pete is so committed to shoehorning a miracle into my life that in this new letter he has taken the time to personally underline and circle points of interest. Emphatically!

See? How much more emphatic could he get!?

And JESUS’ TEARS can this man churn it out! This letter is another two pages of densely packed waffle, only this time with lots of asterisks and underlines and annotations.

I can see his game now – he aims to confuse me into salvation! That’s a ploy I’ve never seen used before.

And this new letter has ANOTHER included envelope, with ANOTHER set of instructions.

I now have sitting on my desk five pages of writing, two sealed envelopes, one postage-paid return address envelope (oh, the joy!) and, the thing you’ve all been waiting for… the OPENED MIRACLE WATER ENVELOPE!

I’m almost wetting myself without the need for the miracle water!

I also have a further two pages of instructions. Holy crap. It’s clear, at least, that Prophet Pete’s efforts are going to be wasted on the illiterate.

Now this new instruction sheet is printed on bright pink paper, and also contains numerous highlighted points and underlinings. First of all there is a bullet-pointed list of things that I must do with the MIRACLE WATER.

Stick with me Cow Fans. I promise, it’s worth it. (Please note: all underlinings and emphasis are courtesy of Prophet Pete. I simply couldn’t have done any better).

Instruction #1:

Lay the large MIRACLE SPRING WATER vial next to your bed TONIGHT ONLY. I believe the angel of the Lord will trouble your water so that when you drink it – first thing in the morning when you wake up – there’s no telling what awesome power and anointing will be released. GET READY!

Now listen. The thought of the angel of the Lord troubling one’s water and causing the release of awesome power might have gone down OK in biblical times when they had easily hosed stone floors and lots of straw to soak stuff up. Nowadays it just sounds frightening and ultimately highly unsanitary.

Leaving that aside, hands up who would be prepared to drink water from a plastic vial sent to them in the post by an unknown person. Uh-huh. As I thought. (Put your hand down Jam, it is not at all like chugging Bawls).

Instruction #2

Claim the miracles you need (with prayer) and ask God to open the pathway to your very own MIRACLE DELIVERANCE… the pathway to your victory… through your RED SEA of need.

Don’t let your RED SEA of need interfere with your ability to make it through to Instruction #3:

Send me your prayer requests (on back) along with your best gift to God. When I get the empty container back with your name written on it I will know that you have obeyed God’s instructions and acted in obedience.

Cowerati, I know that the DIVINE ILLUMINATION of the Cow has already shone for you on the PATH AHEAD here and you can see where we’re going to go with this…

Yes. Prophet Peter Popoff is inviting us to send something back to him. And HE’S PAYING! (Sorry about the dribbling… opportunities like this just never hand themselves over all that often and I’m going dizzy with anticipation…)

Now. I have SO MUCH MORE of Peter Popoff’s revelatory message to pass on to you, but it’s simply TOO BIG A TOPIC for even my deftness and skill to condense into just this one further post. This has become a CATEGORY IN ITS OWN RIGHT, and deserves much greater consideration.

So, instead, just for the moment let us pause and ponder this latest opportunity to come our way. I’m turning it over to you, dear Cow Folk: what, do you think, should I send back to Prophet Pete in his reply-paid envelope?

Keep it decent, keep it small enough for a standard DL envelope and make it something you think Prophet Peter Popoff will appreciate.

There will be a prize.

(Further installments on the Letters of Peter will be forthcoming).

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*Title courtesy of Pil

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O frabjous day! Callooh, callay!!!

Here I was wondering what the heck I was going to serve up as a delectable morsel for my Acowlytes to dine on today when an act of Divine Providence happened right on my doorstep! Well, in my letterbox to be more exact, but the doorstep is only about three feet away from that.

Yes my faithful feiends, it appears that the spammers, not content with assaulting me through my e-conduit have decided to take their message right to my real live front door on actual milled-from-living-trees paper. One can only hope that they don’t manage to upgrade their current quota of 90 billion spams per day to this method.

Anyway, this particular missive arrived addressed to me by name with the opening line:

Our prayer center received your phone call and your prayer request for God’s blessing on your finances… I have been praying for you non-stop ever since the operator gave me your name.

Since I can’t recall making that phone call it stands to reason that it was well over, oh, a couple of weeks ago (that’s about the limit of my memory these days) so this guy’s knees must be pretty stiff by now.

Flipping to the last page to see who I’m dealing with (there are two pages printed on each side with densely packed print featuring LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS) I see that it has been sent by my new friend ‘Prophet Peter Popoff’.

Hey waiddaminute… that name sounds familiar… let me just consult the Internets… Well stone the crows! I’ve been fingered by Spam Celebrity!

Yes, Peter Popoff has written to me personally to tell me how concerned he is for my wellbeing! Really!

Awww – I can see you don’t believe me. Here, let me show you just one of the envelopes he enclosed in his letter:

See! That’s his real handwriting on there! Fair dinkum!

Well, what does Pete have to say? I won’t go into detail, there’s way too much to digest, but in a nutshell, if I follow his instructions I will get nothing less than EVERYTHING I WANT. Incredible, huh?

Oh there are SO many goodies in this ramble, it’s hard to know where to start.

Firstly, PPP makes an honest-to-God concrete prediction, viz:

I feel YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS AN UNPRECEDENTED MIRACLE as you follow divine leading and direction. You’ve prayed for a seemingly impossible miracle. On July 09 2007, the miraculous occurs. YOUR GREATEST PRAYER SHALL BE ANSWERED AND YOUR GREATEST WISH SHALL COME TO BE…

Hot diggedy dog! Now there’s the kinda predictin’ I like!

Oh, but hang on a bit, unsurprisingly there’s the fine print: …hindering spirit… puts me in the wrong time at the wrong place to take advantage of the miracle… yadda yadda yadda.

Oh dangnabbit Prophet Pete! Is there anything I can do to make SURE that my greatest wish will come true???

(Whack me with a broom pole there’s a lot of writing in this letter… instructions, instructions, more instructions…chaos in my life… someone who is about to cause fear… 7 Secret Prophetic Events…)

Aha! Here we have it:

There are 3 more IMPORTANT prophetic events that are yet to be revealed…However…I must obey God in this. YOUR OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY! I CAN ONLY REVEAL THEM TO YOU IN MY ANSWER…OBEY GOD IN THIS!

Now, in Jesus’ Name open the first envelope that has the Miracle Spring Water in it.

Egad! The tension is too much! As you can see, the envelope contains the Miracle Water Packet and also a Prophecy & Holy Ghost Instructions. A completely dry ENVELOPE FULL OF WATER! That must be a miracle in itself.

This is TOO BIG A STORY for ONE POST, dear ACOWLYTES! Picture me if you will as I unholster my letter opener in the diminishing light of my near-exhausted flickering candle and prepare to reveal the contents of Envelope #1…

… and tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to this rapturous tale!