Calloo callay, oh frabjous day! Or perhaps ‘Callow callay’ might be a more appropriate salute in this particular case, for next week sees the release of Julian Doyle’s Chemical Wedding, a film starring the wonderful Simon Callow, that has some misguided university types using ‘the world’s biggest super-conductive (sic) computer’ to resurrect the spirit of the redoubtable (if arguably substantially unhinged) Aleister Crowley to possess the body of a classical history professor.
Of course it all goes horribly wrong (as things necessarily must if one attempts to strike up a rapport with the self-proclaimed greatest Satanist of our time) when the reborn Crowley embarks on an effort to call up the Power of the Abyss to unite the Biblical Beast of Revelations with the Whore of Babylon in the Ultimate Satanic Rite – The Chemical Wedding. A showdown between the forces of magic and technology, and other jolly antics, thence ensue.
Oh how I look forward to this film! No-one can do this kind of high camp techno-occultism with anywhere near as much panache as the British, and when the director is the guy who edited Brazil and the writer is the lead singer of Iron Maiden how can it possibly fail to be worth the price of the ticket?!
In late-breaking Antipodean news, an Australian children’s toy called Bindeez has been withdrawn from the market because it contains a chemical that can be metabolized into the ‘party’ drug Fantasy if swallowed.
I’m particularly enamored of the hippy-trippy unicorn picture that the Melbourne Age has used to illustrate the story. A body is forced to contemplate the notion that the manufacturers of Bindeez might’ve been sucking their own product.
Sister Veronica doesn’t get a lot of email. When she does, it is usually of the variety:
Dear Sister Veronica,
I think you’re hot, can you send me an autographed picture of yourself naked?
Yours truly,
jedimacfan.
She’s quite used to that kind of thing. Imagine her surprise though, when she received this request from Kelvin:
Date: 31 October 2007 7:21:01 AM
To: sisterveronica
Hello,
Am Kelvin and would like to make an order of Floor Tiles from your store and would like to know the types and sizes you have in stock as well as the prices and the types of credit cards that you accept.More over would like it to be shipped to west Africa Ghana.Thank you and looking forward to hear from you.
Regards
Kelvin
Kelvin must have been looking for Sister Veronica’s Crazy Tile & Paver Warehouse. An understandable mistake.
WooWoo Beliefs – A TCA Educational Series: Episode #2
This is David Icke. He is a conspiracy theorist par excellence. David believes that some thousands of years ago, an alien civilization of humanoid reptiles came to our planet and colonized it, interbreeding with humans, yet craftily preserving a special lizardy bloodline that continues to this day. These ‘Reptilians’ have worked their way into positions of power and so rule our world, luckily being able to ‘shape-shift’ to human form at will in order to keep the hideous truth from the rest of us unsuspecting monkey-folk.
When they’re in private they supposedly revert to their scaly forms (undoubtedly with an exclamation of ‘Thank Mangar-kunjer-kunja! I couldn’t have stood another minute in that sweaty hairy jumpsuit!’) in which they presumably relax on a warm rock with a nice chilled glass of raw egg and a big bowl of crunchy flies.
I want you to pause and reflect for a moment. What I’ve just outlined is not some scenario for a B-Grade science fiction film* – this is a matter of actual fact as far as David Icke is concerned. And he has a labyrinthine website that is testament to his efforts to prove it. Be sure to put aside a couple of hours if you intend to visit it though, because it demonstrates about as much structural logic and coherence as David’s belief system.
One of the things you can find, if you have the tenacity, is a list of people who are really lizards. This includes: George Bush (plausible, I guess), Dick Cheney (obviously), Al Gore (look at the profile), Gordon Gecko (haha, just kiddin’) and the Queen of England and all her sons (that explains the blue blood). There is also a generous sprinkling of US politicians (of all political inclinations, lest you think Mr Icke is being partisan).
When people have suggested in David’s earshot that he might be, well, crazy, he is on record as saying ‘People would have said the same thing of Jesus’. Which of course instantly confirms his status as a loony since, as we know, comparing oneself to Jesus or Napoleon is Indicator #1 on the Bedlam Admittance Guide.
So, how, according to David Icke, are we to have any hope of ever determining who are the Lizard Overlords among us? ‘Just pray for God to reveal it to you,’ he says.
Hello and welcome. Today we begin a new series here on The Cow – an examination of some of the, er, more unusual beliefs held by human beings. I’m not talking about your common garden-variety misapprehensions like homeopathy or free energy, but the real The-World-Is-Flat/Aliens-Are-Among-Us delusions of certified fruitcakes. And to show some impartiality I’m not even going to go straight for the easy pickings of American loonies, but instead start with an Australian.
Jasmuheen believes (or she says she believes – these are two very different things…) that she doesn’t need to eat any food or drink any water to survive. At all. Ever. In scientific terms, this qualifies her as an idiot.
Breatharians like Jasmuheen say that instead of consuming the nutrients that our species has needed for several hundreds of thousands of years, they are instead able to live on a mystical energy called prana, a Sanskrit term that refers to a kind of ‘life-force’. Indeed, many Breatharians assert that they can bypass prana entirely and live exclusively on sunlight. Well, why not, eh? Plants can do it. Jasmuheen herself has written a book called Living on Light: A Source of Nutrition for the New Millennium in which she outlines a 21 day program that will stop your body from aging and allow you to achieve immortality by living solely on light.
I can hear what you’re saying: if Breatharians live only on sunlight, how do you tell one from a philodendron? Well, effectively, you can’t. Certainly they are the intellectual equivalents of philodendrons. They also typically exhibit a greenish skin colour after several weeks without food or water.
Jasmuheen, or Ellen Greve as her name appears on her income tax file, runs an organisation known as the CIA. Hahahaha! No, young fella, sit down there, it’s not the Central Intelligence Agency of the good ol’ US of A (even though that would explain a lot) but the Cosmic Internet Academy!!! (WARNING: SANITY-SAPPING RAINBOW ALERT if you click on that link). Taking a quick spin ’round the CIA website we can find, among other things, information on Interdimensional Field Science, handy facts about Divine Nutrition Research, and Breatharian suggestions for ‘eradicating world health & hunger challenges’ [sic]. Well of course! Just let poor people eat air!!! Problem solved! Doh! How the hell could we have missed that!
Here you can also see (and purchase, should you, for some reason, take complete leave of your senses) Jasmuheen’s ‘art’. You can even experience her incomprehensible babbling pearls of wisdom directly via one her her many YouTube appearances, such as this one:
If you’ve bothered to endure that video, here are some things you might like to ponder:
• In the interview, there is a jug of water on the table in front of Jasmuheen – who is it for?
• There is a some kind of palm tree behind Jasmuheen – is it my imagination, or does she seem agitated that it is hogging all the light?
• After listening to what Jasmuheen has to say, who do you think would make the more formidable Scrabble opponent – her or the palm tree?
In 1999, the Australian version of 60 Minutesput Jasmuheen’s claims to the test under controlled conditions. After Jasmuheen had fasted for four days the experiment was terminated on the advice of Dr. Berris Wink, president of the Queensland branch of the Australian Medical Association, who was monitoring her vital signs. In the doctor’s professional opinion, Ellen Greve was in danger of dehydration and kidney failure if she went any longer without water.
Jasmuheen, on the other hand, says that ‘60 Minutes stopped the experiment after 5 days ((In the manner of such charlatans, she is quite prepared to distort the statistics to make her feat seem more impressive.)) fearing I would be successful which could create problems for them as their intention was always to portray me as deluded…’ ((Interestingly, this claim has been removed from Jasmuheen’s main website, but you can read the cache here.))
In addition to the absurd beliefs that you’ve read so far, Jasmuheen further contends that due to her pranic sustenance her DNA has somehow altered from the standard two strands usual in all living things, to twelve, and now her body is able to ‘take up extra hydrogen’. ((Even if this nonsensical assertion had any merit, she has nowhere elaborated on why any of this should be desirable. Further, she has declined to allow a blood test to definitively settle this claim, saying: ‘I don’t know what the relevance for it (the blood test) is.’)) Also, in her capacity as ‘an Interdimensional Field Scientist’, she writes that ‘crop circles have always represented a Sacred Geometric Language that is designed to trigger various reactions and awakenings among various people’.
So to recap, Jasmuheen:
• Says she lives on solely on sunlight;
• Claims her DNA is different to all other living things;
• Believes that crop circles are alien messages;
Hmmm. Difficult to understand how anyone could perceive her as deluded.
Anyway, should you somehow receive an invitation from Jasmuheen to attend a Breatharian party, my suggestion is that you eat beforehand, because you know that all she’s likely to offer up in the way of refreshments is a light snack.
The Weasel has this week opined that the world is not facing a problem of climate change so much as climate shift.
And in a stunning revelation he asserts that the reason that we have any problem at all here in Australia is because of ecologically minded people:
… if some years ago we had not bowed so much to the greens and had built more dams, maybe things would have been different, and that applies all around the country.
So, to recap – don’t be concerned, the climate is not changing, just shifting, and that’s not something you should worry your pretty little head about. If people tell you different they’re probably evil Greenies who, as everybody clearly knows, want to cause the world to shrivel to a dessicated husk due to a lack of dams.
