At last! The Age of Robots has arrived! As we stride into 2009, Canadian roboticist Trung Le unveils Aiko, the anatomically correct fembot* with which he hopes to take the world by storm.

Anatomically Correct?

Le boasts that Aiko can greet, shake hands, read out loud, perform mathematical calculations and give the weather forecast, accomplishments one could not fail to find useful in an anatomically correct companion. I urge you to go here and watch a demonstration video of Aiko in action (no Polanski & Atlas, not that kind of action).

The picture to the right shows Le examining Aiko for anatomical correctness. Seriously!

“I do not like it when you touch my breasts,” Aiko responds rather petulantly, as she spastically swats in the general direction of Le like a debutante paralytic on Blackberry Nip. This is disturbing on so many levels, not the least of which is that Le has referred to Aiko elsewhere as his ‘daughter’. Aiko’s general demeanour is also rather unsettling, making public appearances as she does in a wheelchair, with one hand bandaged in a black mitten, and the other flapping around disconcertingly like a rubber glove filled with jelly. I offer up my usual observation regarding robots: what Aiko lacks in the reality stakes she more than makes up for in creepy factor. I would cast Aiko in a horror movie in a flash (Ring IV, maybe, where Samara returns to inhabit the boneless body of a monotonally speaking crippled Japanese Michael Jackson fan with Tourette’s).

And while Aiko may be considered by some to be the pinnacle of anatomical correctness, her language skills could use a little work: “Why did you do that for?” she asks, when Le gives her a Chinese burn (you think I’m making this up don’t you?). I hope her weather forecasts are more accurate than her grammar.

A Realistic Robot

Meanwhile, in China (home of all kinds of sensational technical breakthroughs), DIY roboticists Wang Wenrong and Wu Yulu are building ‘an army’ of home-made robots for purposes unspecified. Given that the mechanical marvels are said to be able to serve drinks, light cigarettes, bow, weave, sing, play musical instruments and scale walls, we can only speculate about what these Chinese tinkerers have in mind for their militia of automaton stormtroopers. And when we learn that some of them are being fashioned in the likeness of Hillary Clinton (see the anatomically-correct spitting image at left, having her uterus adjusted by Wang Wenrong), well, we can’t help but feel a little uneasy.

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*I don’t know about you, but for me the use of the term ‘anatomically correct’ in the context of female mannequins (robotic aspirations aside) just sounds like a euphemism for ‘sex doll’.

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SciAmJan2009

Reuters, Thursday, January 1:

In what amounts to one of the most extraordinary technical achievements ever to ring in a New Year, scientists from the University of Xuanpu announced today that they have successfully cloned the penis of the ‘mad’ Russian monk, Rasputin. An unusual alliance forged between Xuanpu and St Petersburg’s Russian Museum of Erotica and funded by Russian internet spam czar Sergei Korzhanenk, now promises to be able to literally sell millions of potential customers a bigger penis.

Rasputin’s preserved member was stolen one year ago from the St Petersburg museum by Italian underworld figure Raphael Spinoza, in a daring daylight heist. It was recovered by police in April after information from an in ‘inside source’ led them to Spinoza’s secluded residence in the Italian alps, and is now under heavy security at the museum. The pickled penis was only made available to the Xuanpu science team for their newly discovered cloning technique after extensive intellectual property negotiations.

Korzhanenk says that the planned market release of the penises to coincide with Christmas was delayed by technical challenges, but that they will be available to customers this week, priced at around $US250.

The Price Is Right!

Ah faithful Acowlytes! Another year has veritably rocketed past, and a new one is galloping upon us. I know it’s been quiet on The Cow these last few months, but I can assure you, my loyal readers, that you were never far from my thoughts, and I have been assembling all manner of succulent tidbits to inflict upon you offer up for your amusement in the coming weeks. In the meantime, here’s wishing yez all a Happy, Healthy & Prosperous 2009!

Oh, and in case it needs to be formalized: let the Festivities commence!

Satan Claws Strikes Again

Satan Claws has learned that a good strategy for this time of year is to act cute and lull passers-by into a false sense of security…

Here’s wishing all Cow Readers a Very Merry and Festive Yuletide. I hope the eggnog is a-flowing, the Lords are a-leaping and the partridges are piled high under the tree. Remember to stay tuned for January 1, for a whole heap o’ shenanigans to ring in another year of bovine fun!

OK.

Time to review ’em.

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(Also, be sure to catch The Trailer over at Old Fish and Lemonade… Really, you do want to…)

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Nurse Myra sent me a link the other day to a site that had some of the semi-ghoulish toys that I used to love as a kid.* I was surprised to see there a set of ‘Kooky Spookies’ a toy that I had all but forgotten. When I was younger† I was completely fascinated by glow-in-the-dark things, and had numerous toys that had this property, along with several kinds of luminous paints, one of which had an extremely peculiar smell that I can evoke to this day.

I was immediately prompted to see if I could locate another of my favourites, ‘Glow Globs’ – a kind of luminous plasticene that came in three ‘ghostly’ colours – and as is often the way with teh internets, I got my nostalgia fix within seconds. I herewith present to you Glow Globs, courtesy of ToyRanch’s Flickr set.

Glow Globs

So now yez al know what you can get me for Christmas.

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*I’m sure that comes as no surprise to a single one of you.

†And heck, even to this day!

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One of the great pleasures I enjoy while travelling is spying products on supermarket shelves that challenge my sense of reality. This happens mostly in non-English speaking countries, where the translations into The Mother Tongue throw up all kinds of novelty (you may recall my adventures in Vietnam), but there are also treasures to be found in countries that actually call English their main language.

The ol’ US of A is a case in point. Exhibit A, to the left here, must surely be the cause of great confusion among the sleep-deprived.

Of course, it all makes sense when you spy the word ‘homeopathic’ under the Hylands name – like all homeopathic remedies it makes a bet each way, simultaneously declaring to be completely effective while also claiming to have no unwanted effects. The product name itself is a masterpiece in doublespeak: Calms Forté: ‘strong calm’ – the implication being that it’s an extra-strength version of the usual formula ‘Calms’. Well, since we know that homeopathy works in reverse to normal logic, this must mean that Calms Forté has even less than the usual ‘active’ ingredient* of standard Calms…

And in our kitchen at work, a product which should surely be walking off the shelves (jumping, even), especially at this time of year.

Joy!

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*It can’t be chamomile. Chamomile contains substances that are actually known to promote sleep (and drowsiness) when taken in appropriate quantities and homeopathic remedies never have an ‘active’ ingredient that makes any sense.

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