And in another first for The Cow, we’re blogging in real time to report, as promised, on the Michelangelo’s Cafe experience, and whether they can really deliver ‘The Taste of Art’.

6:47pm: I phone in my order for a Chilli Prawns pizza from the ‘Gourmet’ section of the Michelangelo’s menu. I want to point out here that when it comes to pizzas my inclination would usually be to stick with the stock-standard ‘pizza’ type pizza. All this ‘gourmet’ stuff smacks a bit too much of gilding the lily to me. Nevertheless, we’re assessing ‘The Taste of Art’ here, so I’m pulling out all the stops. The guy who takes my order (I like to think it is Michelangelo himself even if he doesn’t have an Italian accent and doesn’t laugh at my joke regarding my ‘refined palette’) is polite and efficient. So far so good. He says my pizza will be delivered within the hour.

7:12pm: I pour myself a glass of Milkwood Shiraz from the vineyards of central Victoria.

7:16pm: I notice that the Michelangelo’s takeaway menu spells Caesar Salad as ‘Ceaser Salad’. This is not encouraging coming from Classical Italians.

7:17pm: Further scrutiny of the menu reveals that the Chicken Dinners @ $15 come in the variations ‘Medici’, ‘Isaiah’ and ‘David’. There are also pizzas of the ‘Eden’ and ‘Adam’ variety. This vague thematic thread would probably be tolerable if it were not for the fact that elsewhere in the menu we have the ‘Hot Mamma’, the ‘Barnyard’, the ‘Tandoori’, the ‘Mexican’ and the ‘Aussie’.

7:17:30pm: I feel slightly nervous.

7:17:32pm: And then slightly nauseous.

7:21pm: The Michalangelo pizza delivery guy arrives. I know this is definitely not Michelangelo because he is not wearing a smock nor spattered with paint. Nevertheless, he is speedy and has arrived well within the time promised. He doesn’t laugh at my ‘I’m a starving artist’ joke.

7:22pm: I photograph the pizza for The Cow.

7:23pm: I scoff a few slices of the Chilli Prawns pizza.

7:40pm: You know, I really wanted Michelangelo to prove me wrong. No, really. I wanted to be able to say to you “Well, Michelangelo promised the Pieta of pizzas, and, even though I was skeptical, dammit I have to take my beret off to him. I have to eat humble pizza. I have to give credit where it’s due”. I wanted to be able to say “When you’re next in Sydney, y’know, there’s a little place I must take you to, it’s not fancy but crikey, can they sculpt you up a pizza. Not just any pizza mind you, but a work of art!”

Sadly, I cannot say any of these things. The Michelangelo Chilli Prawns pizza is guilty of the most appalling crime any foodstuff, let alone work of art, can commit. It is dull. There is nothing remotely challenging or even interesting about it. If you want to talk art, this is the Ken Done of pizzas.

9:09pm: I fail to think of a witty quip for the end of this post, having been drained of all inspiration by the vacuum of creativity inflicted on me by Michelangelo and his cronies, and retire to my garret to put another layer of paint on the dead chickens. No-one understands me.



A Long Story Involving Music, Death, Snow and Coincidence

One Saturday morning in late 1991 I was woken from a deep sleep by the most ethereal of sounds. It was a perfect pure human voice singing Rachmaninoff’s ‘Vocalise’… no wait a minute, it’s wasn’t a voice, it was… a violin… and yet…

I came into full consciousness too late to catch anything much of the back-announce, except for the name of the artist: Clara Rockmore. It was enough to chase down the recording. It turned out that the sound I heard wasn’t a voice, or a violin, but that most enigmatic and fascinating of electronic instruments, the theremin.

As a teenager I had a fleeting interest in theremins, and even tried to build one out of an old electronics kit I hacked for the purpose. It wasn’t too successful, and I really didn’t have the chops to do it properly. Besides, I had bigger fish to fry; I had become obsessed with the gadget that had newly arrived in the local music shop – a music ‘synthesizer’ called a MiniMoog.

Long story short: MiniMoog → rock & roll band → sound & music for school plays → film school → my own film company → lying in bed listening to Clara Rockmore effortlessly play the theremin, perhaps one of the most difficult-to-master instruments of all time.

I tracked down that recording of ‘Vocalise’ and discovered to my mild surprise that it had been produced by Robert Moog, inventor of that MiniMoog that had set me on my career path, and a man considered by many to be The Father of Electronic Music. As it turned out, Bob’s own career was directly related to his interest in, and manufacture of theremins as a teenager.

The comprehensive liner notes with the CD outlined the amazing story of Lev Sergeyevich Termen (Leon Theremin) and the invention of his extraordinary electronic musical instrument. That’s a different long story, and way too fascinating for brevity, but you should read it on Wikipedia sometime. What was most astonishing to me was that, at the time, Leon Theremin was still alive, at the grand old age of 95. And, as far as I knew, there was no filmic document of this important man and his contribution to music and technology.

I was very well placed to set up such a documentary, and I immediately started collecting information. I got in contact with a number of people and soon enough with a chap at Berkeley who told me in an email “I think someone’s already making a movie – you should speak to Bob Moog”

And I did. Yes, said Bob, a fellow called Steven Martin had almost completed his film Theremin: An Electronic Odyssey, after a difficult three year process. In keeping with my inept abilities as a surfer I had sensed the wave coming too late, and Steven Martin was already riding it to shore. Tarnation.

I had a number of very nice conversations with Bob though, so I didn’t feel too bad about losing the doco, him being a hero of mine and all. I also discovered that through his company Big Briar (now Moog Music), Bob was making theremins again. It was too good an opportunity to miss and I browsed their catalogue and arranged for Big Briar to make for me one of their beautiful cherry wood Model 91Cs.

As fate would have it, the proposed completion date for my theremin would see me in North Carolina where I was to meet up with my business partner at the time, Alex, on the set of the new film he was directing, the soon-to-become ill-fated The Crow.

Big Briar/Moog Music is located in Leicester in NC, and it was a simple matter to arrange a slight detour at the end of my trip to collect my theremin in person. More importantly of course it would allow me the exciting opportunity to meet and shake hands with the man whose name was synonymous with electronic music.

It was never to happen. 1993 saw one of the worst storms to ever hit the east coast of the US, with North Carolina copping one of the biggest snowfalls in its history. The day before, I arrived with my travelling companions in Asheville NC, about a twenty minute trip to Leicester. The fairy-tale sprinkling of snow that started on that night was a big novelty for us Australians. “How very Winter Wonderland!” we cried, as we grappled with the concept of driving in treacherously icy conditions and on the wrong side of the road. It became something less of a novelty the next day when we had to dig down through several feet of snow to our rental cars. That was just to get our luggage. Those cars weren’t going nowhere. Neither was anything else in Asheville.

We stuck it out in Asheville for three days but things weren’t getting better in a hurry. Leicester was completely cut off from the world, and any possibility of getting there and back in time to meet our flight back to Oz was remote. We had no choice but to grab the first local flight out of Asheville (after a terrifying drive-cum-slalom in a taxi to the airport) and head back to a country where there isn’t ever much snow. Certainly not enough to bury cars.

My theremin was shipped to me not long after, and Bob phoned several times to chat, and make sure everything had arrived in good condition.

Steven Martin’s documentary was completed in 1993. It was an insightful and moving account of the story of the theremin. Lev Sergeyevich Termen died not long after the film’s release at the age of 97. Bob Moog sent me an email on that day. It said:

I thought you would like to know that Lev Termen died today, at the age of 97. Lately, he has been working on a device to reverse the aging process. Sadly for all of us, he was not able to finish that work.

I was very saddened to hear that Bob Moog himself died last Sunday. The enormous grief in the electronic music community can be felt on the Moog Music site, and on the Caring Bridge site, where thousands of people have left their condolences and sympathies, as well as thoughts and reminiscences about Dr Moog.

Unlike Leon Theremin, Bob Moog runs little risk of being forgotten. His legacy to the musical world is imprinted so strongly that the word ‘moog’ is almost a generic term for an analog synthesizer. And now, his instruments have been created virtually, as software emulations, for a whole new generation of sound-makers to discover.

So, at the end of this lengthy post, I would like to bid a personal farewell to Dr Robert Moog, the great man who I almost met. So long Bob. I feel I knew you well enough to call you a friend. Forgive me if that’s presumptuous. I’m not so presumptuous as to speculate on whether there is a heaven or not, but in my mind’s eye I cannot help but see you ascending a glittering stairway to some such place, dressed in a magnificent white tux, and accompanied, in a manner befitting your stature, by a chorus of a thousand angels playing perfect theremin.

Spam Observations #11

Today Buddy Dillon emailed me with exciting information which I provide here in full:

Hi!

Totally New hot Alternative Dating Site!

Sick and tired of meeting boring people on generic dating sites?

We have the answer! It is not a sleezy sex site. It’s an open-mided, highly sexualized, dating site for lonely wives . See the difference!

Meet real sexy housewives in your area tonight!

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Holy Cow! I couldn’t believe what I was reading! A dating site for lonely quantum physicist housewives! Man, I was so quick to hit the link that I’m sure I violated causality.

But dammit, the site seems to have vanished into a singularity, so I am only able to speculate on what might be on offer through such a service:

CARBON DATINGâ„¢
“Where folks through with fission come for some fusion”

Nickname: Strange Charm

Sex: Female

Body Type: Black

Smoking: You bet honey!

Drinking: Manhattans, Heavy water

Star Sign: J/PASP/106/646

Pets: I have a cat in a box. Not sure if it’s alive or dead

Religion: Pastafarian

Relationship Status: Some uncertainty

Hi fellas! I’m hot and available, looking for a guy for some serious entanglement and up for some fun with the Three Body Problem. Would like someone with no strings attached who is prepared to travel; not interested in action at a distance. I’m looking for a real man with a Large Hadron Collider and a brane for a good time – WIMPs need not apply. Don’t want anyone two-dimensional – minimum of five or six dimensions required. So if you feel like some strong interaction and exploring the Big Bang Theory or the Double Slit Experiment in my bubble chamber, drop me a line and maybe we can try a superposition or two.

Sigh. One can always dream.

Are you nervous yet, Anne Arkham?

Tetherd Cow Ahead World Exclusive!

Well it occurred to me eventually that you don’t have to take my word for the whole Echo Of a Duck Quack debate; thanks to the wonders of modern sound techniques I can actually provide for you today, possibly for the first time ever on the internet, the quack of a duck with an echo.

So at the next office cocktail party when someone corners you over the cheese dip and expounds knowledgeably that “A duck’s quack has no echo, and no-one knows why!” you can tell them that The Cow says otherwise, and send ’em on down.

A duck quacking… – mp3 file.

A duck quacking with an echo… – mp3 file.

Of course, this now must generate the obvious question: “Can the echo of a duck’s quack start an avalanche?”

I like all the people I work with. They are a bunch of nice folks with their heads screwed on correctly for the most part. But occasionally someone, it is not clear who, will do something uncommonly daft. Like, as happened this week, pinning up on the noticeboard in the kitchen one of those pointless and inane lists that get sent to all & sundry via email by alleged ‘friends’. Needless to say, I have no friends who would dare email me this sort of thing – I have long since trained them to desist. Or I have killed them.

So, having escaped the electronic version of this kind of waffle, you can imagine my irritation in discovering an A4 sheet outlining ‘Some Interesting Facts…’ appearing on the communal corkboard.

The thing is, I really don’t want to read these interesting facts because I know from the outset that they will more likely be nonsensical crap, but, as I stand there waiting for the kettle to boil, my eye is inexorably drawn to the bullet points and I find myself reading…

♦ A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

Oh yeah. I guess. But really, WHO CARES?

♦ There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

Ho hum. I doubt it, but whatever.

♦ There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple or silver.

Yawn.

♦ A 2 X 4 is really 1½ by 3½.

Excuse me while I eviscerate myself.

♦ A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No-one knows why.

What? I mean, WHAT? A duck’s quack doesn’t echo? I am a qualified sound technician with 25 years worth of practical experience and theoretical study that allows me to put appropriate letters after my name, but even if I was a bus conductor with a certificate in needlework I think I could spot this for the idiotic piece of utter claptrap that it is. Now hear me: a duck’s quack or anything else that is audible to the human ear will have an echo. It’s a fundamental property of acoustics. It is possible, that if a duck quacks softly, then it won’t make a loud enough sound to echo off anything, but (are you listening?) THIS HAS NOT GOT THE SLIGHTEST THING TO DO WITH DUCKS! Try getting an echo off a human whisper – same problem: not enough acoustic energy for the sound to travel somewhere, get reflected and return to your ear. There is no mystery about this. The Duck Quack Furphy is just a dumb ‘factoid’ that some nitwit smoking dried coleus leaves has, in an hallucinogenic haze deemed plausible, and, that through the weight of a million billion emails has gained the kind of weird ersatz credibility that only the internet can bestow.

(Of course, jet-setting pedants among readers of The Cow will be quick to point out that if you stand in Whispering Gallery in the dome of St Paul’s Cathedral in London you can get a bit of an echo off a whisper, but I say to you: for a real treat, next time you visit St Paul’s take a duck with you.)

So, as far as I can determine this list of amazing facts can be divided into two main categories: things that are boring and things that are just plain baloney. This does not surprise me; most of the internet can be classified in that way.

Anyhoo, since I’ve been made to suffer these pearls of wisdom, so must you. Consider:

♦ The real reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

No it isn’t.

♦ Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

No it doesn’t.

♦ Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

No they didn’t.

♦ People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a milli-second.

No they don’t because no it doesn’t.

♦ The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

No it wasn’t and yes there was.

I am willing to speculate that the kind of people who circulate lists such as this one, are also the kind of people who used to flap Polaroid photographs around in the air to dispense some kind of unspecified mystical aid to the developing process. Or who strew their lawn with plastic bottles of water because they think for some unfathomable reason that this will keep dogs (cats/possums/foxes/goats/wildebeests) from defecating thereon.

I mean, really. Just where has all the critical thinking gone? In Pete World this kind of thi… oh shit! Is that the time? I’m overdue for my Past Life Therapy and my colonic irrigation, gotta run.

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