Tetherd Cow Ahead

OK. I’m working (for free) on a small but very tasteful commercial for a major world charity. The sound is subtle but significant. At the very end of the ad, the pictures fade to black, and a simple piece of explanatory text appears.

This morning I’m playing what I’ve done to the director, an awfully nice but very intense chap.

“So, what do you think for the end when we fade out, then?” he asks.

“Oh, I dunno. Silence I guess. I thought that worked pretty well. Unless you want some other kind of thing there…”

He looks deeply thoughtful, and runs his hands through his hair.

“I was thinking, rather than silence, maybe we could just have, you know, the sound of nothing.”

“Uh-huh,” says I. “And that would be different to silence in exactly what way?”

May Contain Traces of Nuts*

This is a little bag of snacky-type things they hand out on Vietnam Airlines.

This is the ingredient list on the back:

So far so good. Roasted mixed nuts, salt, vegetable oil. Yep, you know exactly what you’re gonna see when you open that little packet, right?

Wrong! You are in Vietnam, remember, where all rules and laws are merely suggestions.

This is what you’re really going to see:

I have marked for you the actual nuts. Yes, you counted right, three (3) cashews. Which as my friend Simon pointed out, are not even technically nuts. Everything else is definitely not a nut, even the cunning little things that look like peanuts. There are peas, little starchy corn things, and the fake peanuts that are probably made of some kind of crunchy soy product.

True, there was salt (probably – it tasted salty), and vegetable oil (I guess being charitable it could even have been peanut oil…). All in all though, the ingredient list is a much better guide to what’s not in the packet.

I had such a great time in Vietnam.

In Quang Ngai City, where I spent most of my time, there is a new supermarket. We love the supermarket. It is a place where you can spend a good few hours browsing.

In the liquor section, there was a bottle of wine which was labelled ‘Wine with Young Bees’. Floating in the bottom inch and a half of the bottle was a sludge of bee larvae. I held it up and to an old man who was watching us curiously examining the swirling insect brood.

“Good?” I mimed, with a big smile and a raise of the eyebrows.

“Nope”, he mimed back, shaking his head and making a face that said “this is one of the most disgusting things ever invented. I don’t know what they were thinking.”

Outside the supermarket, the road is divided into two sets of two lanes by a median strip. This is the only median strip in Quang Ngai. A median strip in Quang Ngai makes about a much sense as an amber traffic light.

You don’t need to understand Vietnamese to get the sense of perplexity people feel about the median strip.

“Why have they done this? What – we are supposed to cycle all the way down the end of this to the corner, turn around and come back to get to something on the other side? Why are they messing with our heads like this? Next they’ll be coming up with some daft concept like, oh, saying you can only go one way down a street or something.”

Consequently, if you need to get to a place on the other side of the median strip from where you are, you just ignore it! You just get on the other side of the median strip and cycle to where you want to be. Like it doesn’t exist.

I love Vietnam. Did I mention?

___________________________________________________________________________

*If you’re lucky.

This is the remote control for the air conditioner in a cabin on a cruise junk at Vietnam’s beautiful Halong Bay. Please to take notice of the only English word to appear on this unit.

It explains a lot.

This is how it works:

Nurse Myra is scheduled to do English lessons on Monday night. Tonight, there is some question as to whether the classes are on.

The interpreters are Mr Thinh and Miss Linh.

On quizzing Mr Thinh early in the day, yes, the classes are definitely on. Later Miss Linh says that Mr Thinh has said that the classes are not on any longer. On talking further with Miss Linh, however, it seems that she is not really sure if the classes are on. Or in fact, if Mr Thinh actually said the classes are not on. Mr Thinh, on the telephone, says that the classes are on.

We think.

Later, we see Miss Linh, who says that the classes are not on. Is she sure?

Yes, she is sure.

That the classes are not on?

No.

That they’re on?

Yes.

She’s sure they’re on?

No.

Are the classes on?

Yes, Mr Thinh says the classes are not on.

On the telephone, Mr Thinh says the classes are on.

Definitely?

Yes.

We think.

So we walk around to the classrooms. It looks deserted. The gates are closed and padlocked. But there are lights on inside. Nurse Myra reaches through and is able to undo one padlock. We open the gate and walk inside.

From somewhere two guard dogs appear, snarling and barking.

Definitely not on.

Ah yes. Well some of my more astute readers (thank you m) have jumped one step ahead (almost reading my mind in fact… hmmm… interesting to speculate about that) to remind me that today’s date begs for some kind of appropriate post.

As if that kind of thing would escape my attention.

The above photo was taken a couple of weeks back and I’ve been saving it for a… special… occasion. I draw your attention to the two key words.

I didn’t notice this until I uploaded the pic into iPhoto. Anybody require further proof?

(Click on the image for a more detailed version)

More from my special mystery guest:

April 13, 2006,

No! I must not yield to frail human weakness lest I fail
To quell those demons that would fall on me with sharpened tooth and claw.
Though I surely might erase my pain in Bacchus’ sweet embrace
I must resist and turn my face again to matters evermore
Jejune, prosaic, tiresome and certain to ensure
The kind of gossip I deplore…

My neighbour in the garret has this week acquired a parrot
Or some other feathered creature – I am not entirely sure,
But its raucous Harpy shrieking, as he tries to get it speaking
Sets my shattered nerves to creaking, and it rubs my patience raw;
The screeching shrill viaticum that filters through the floor
Strangely sounds like ‘Nevermore’!

…to be continued