Tetherd Cow Ahead

Spam Observations #12

My recent email has been filled with sperm. Lots of it. Gallons and gallons and gallons. People want to sell me a product called SPUR-M which will apparently increase my sperm quantities to industrial manufacturing levels. Consider these testimonials sent to me by Raymundo (I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same Raymundo who wrote to me once before?):

Satisfied Customers Testimonials

Jimmy —- 47, Male, UK
What you claim is wrong. My sperm volume didn’t
increase by 500%. It increased by a ZILLION %

Wow. A ZILLION %. Let me get out my calculator. Now, a zillion percent would be more than a million, for sure, and more than a billion. Obviously more than a trillion. A trillion has 12 zeroes so let’s give a zillion 13 zeroes for good measure (keep in mind it’s probably more than that). The average quantity of human ejaculate is something around 3ml so punching in the numbers that’s somewhere in the vicinity of 300,000,000 litres. Three hundred million litres of sperm. A 25 metre swimming pool holds about three hundred thousand litres. I sure hope Jimmy doesn’t move in next door to me.

Sharon — Female, UK
My husband decided to try SPUR-M, and the results
are great! I just love it when it starts spurting out

Note that Sharon says she loves it when it starts spurting out. Ten minutes and two thousand litres later, she’s starting to worry about the drapes.

Jose — 29, Male, USA
I cannot believe how good my semen has become. It is
a thick blob that shoots like a rocket. My wife says
she can feel the force with which my semen hits her
inside, which earlier she couldn’t even feel.

I bet she can Jose. The image of rioters being held at bay with a firehose springs alarmingly to mind.

Michael — 41, Male, Hong Kong
I always dreamt of shooting like a porn star and I
can do it now, my girl cannot eat as much as I can shoot.

I am SO not surprised Michael. Even on an empty stomach, that’s a big ask. By the by, is this a common dream, to “shoot like a porn star”? Do other guys have this dream?

“My wife and I had been looking for a product to help
with boosting male fertility. I am happy to say that
test results have improved in the time I have been
using Spur-M (2 months). Thank you for your assistance,
and for the supply of Spur-M”
M. Rosenberg, NYC, USA

Fertility? My God, with those quantities of sperm, M. Rosenberg will be fertilizing every woman on the planet, whether she wants it or not. Girls, hop to! Get your diaphragms and IUDs fitted snugly. M. Rosenberg might be on the job tonight!

Spam Observations #11

Today Buddy Dillon emailed me with exciting information which I provide here in full:

Hi!

Totally New hot Alternative Dating Site!

Sick and tired of meeting boring people on generic dating sites?

We have the answer! It is not a sleezy sex site. It’s an open-mided, highly sexualized, dating site for lonely wives . See the difference!

Meet real sexy housewives in your area tonight!

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Holy Cow! I couldn’t believe what I was reading! A dating site for lonely quantum physicist housewives! Man, I was so quick to hit the link that I’m sure I violated causality.

But dammit, the site seems to have vanished into a singularity, so I am only able to speculate on what might be on offer through such a service:

CARBON DATINGâ„¢
“Where folks through with fission come for some fusion”

Nickname: Strange Charm

Sex: Female

Body Type: Black

Smoking: You bet honey!

Drinking: Manhattans, Heavy water

Star Sign: J/PASP/106/646

Pets: I have a cat in a box. Not sure if it’s alive or dead

Religion: Pastafarian

Relationship Status: Some uncertainty

Hi fellas! I’m hot and available, looking for a guy for some serious entanglement and up for some fun with the Three Body Problem. Would like someone with no strings attached who is prepared to travel; not interested in action at a distance. I’m looking for a real man with a Large Hadron Collider and a brane for a good time – WIMPs need not apply. Don’t want anyone two-dimensional – minimum of five or six dimensions required. So if you feel like some strong interaction and exploring the Big Bang Theory or the Double Slit Experiment in my bubble chamber, drop me a line and maybe we can try a superposition or two.

Sigh. One can always dream.

Spam Observations #10

Today, my Newest Best Friend, Tanya, wrote with her surprising news: “My penis is always hard and is able to move without interruption!” That’s a little personal for a first email, but hey, yay for you Tanya! I also find the interruption of penis movement off-putting, though I can’t really imagine how strange it must be for you in your particular circumstance.

Tanya went on to boast of “Rock hard manhood, multiple explosions and several times more semen volume!” and then exclaimed that she could get me “… a several month supply of everything you need – in seconds!”

I am somewhat skeptical that I could obtain anything from the web “in seconds” even taking into account the Modern Miracle That Is Digital Cash. The temptation, however, to get a several month supply of everything I need is hard to resist (notwithstanding my concern that achieving “multiple explosions” sounds a little too much like a bowel malfunction for my taste).

This constant gender bending amongst spammers is making me dizzy. Glen or Glenda? Just bring me the Glenmorangie.

For more evidence of Spammer Identity Confusion (SIC) see:

Modern Love: Spam Observations #9
Holy!!!!: Spam Observations #7
Do Our Bums Look Big In This?: Spam Observations #6

Spam Observations #9

Today, Maude Glenn wrote to me with Exciting News. Allow me to share it with you:

From: Maude Glenn
Subject: I Found Them!

At last I can have sex!

I have found an amazing site. Since I have been a member, I have been getting laid three times a week. You don’t have to use a credit card, and don’t have to pay a penny.

(And why not I say! Go Maude. You rock sister!)

There are so many guys and girls there it’s unreal… must be the free membership! There’s single people, married people, and people looking for quiet sex “on the side”

(Sure, that sounds fair enough.)

The last time I checked, they had 1.5 million free members, most of them are getting together regually with someone like you!

(Gee, er, OK… I don’t know if I have that many condoms… especially if it’s going to be a regualar thing…)

You can choose what you want too… from erotic email and cyber-fun to voyeurism, discrete relationships, casual sex or lonely hearts looking for love!

(Oh, OK. Maybe just erotic email then. Still, that’s a lot of typing…)

Its all set up for Men, women, couples and groups… Just key in how many of you that there are, choose what you want, and they get you together for some fun!

(Er… there’s only one of me. I don’t think we want to be adding to the numbers any further. Do they do rsvp’s or something? I’d kind of like to get some idea how many will be coming over, you know, for the catering and all.)

I have had sex six times this week with 3 different girls.

(Oh, wait. Oh, I see. Sorry Maude, I didn’t realise you swung that way. My bad. Um, is this email meant for me? I’m a bloke you know.)

Before I could barely manage once a month, and the cost of the drinks and meals was simply too much!

(I know, tell me about it. Is that the pits or what? All you want is a root and you have to take these women out to dinner, make conversation, get them drunk, yadda yadda yadda. Your new scheme seems so much easier. And you know Maude, speaking from a man’s point of view, it’s nice to hear that it’s the same for you girls, all that mucking around with unecessary food & drink. I’m really glad you got in contact. Maybe we should hook up for a few laughs. I bet you’ve got some stories to tell! Of course, we would each pay for our own drinks, I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea… Well, unless, you’re interested in boys too… I mean, I don’t mind or anything…)

I’ve been getting laid all month for free!

See you at the party! Meet everyone here!

See ya later
Charlie Alexandre Ferreira

(Hey! What the…? Maude? Are you having a lend of me? What is this Charlie business? We were getting along so well and then you go and pull some cyber Crying Game number on me. Darn, now I’m all confused. I suppose the clues were there from the start: Maude Glenn. As in Glen or Glenda? right? And that subject line I Found Them! Yeah, now I know what you’re talking about. How far would you have let me get before I found them, eh Maude?

My mother always said this email business would get to get me into trouble. I should have stuck with cheap piano bars.)

Spam Observations #8

My newest best friend, Lisa Crump (!) sent me an email with the subject line:

Yeah it’s a sp@m :)

Oh, that Lisa, isn’t she just the one. Little bashful smile at the end: “Yeah, I it’s a spam, but I know you love me anyway. Shucks.” Lisa, if you’re reading SPAM is SPAM is SPAM. It’s not cute. It’s annoying. When I got it, I most certainly didn’t think: “Oh, that Lisa is such a card, sending me spam and being honest about it“. No. Instead I thought: “Those fucking spammers are just a pain in the arse and I hope they all go to a special hell where the only thing they have to read is never-ending screens of their own puerile garbage”. Lisa, I hate you and your cheap software deals.

UPDATE: I received another different spam from Lisa Crump today. Man, that Lisa is working the keys. I note here for posterity that Lisa Crump can be anagrammatized to April Scum.

Spam Observations #7

My New (old?) Best Friend, Mark Webster (or maybe Charlie M, he evidently has a personality divergence… not uncommon amongst spammers it would appear) was very excited to let me know his news:

From: Mark Webster

Hey my man, long time no talk!

You won’t believe what we found, holy !!!!.
It’s this crazy hookup site, I got laid 6 times this week man, you don’t have to use a credit card or anything you won’t pay a cent!

There are tons of girls, guys, couples and I’m sure something for you too!

See ya later
Charlie M

Girls, guys and couples and he’s sure something for me too! And I thought I was being discreet about my predilections. Well that’s the internet for you.