Tetherd Cow Ahead

Spam Observations #17

It has been a while since I have made a New Best Friend but today Louis Broussard wrote to me with an account of some of his recent jolly japes. I reproduce it here for you unedited:

Hi,

Two years ago I tried one for a laugh and was impressed. It cost me $35 a tablet, girl said take one hour before activity and only need to take half but I took the whole thing. Sure enough after one hour it worked I was sitting in a bar playing a game with a girl and wasn’t even thinking about it (well maybe only 10% of the brain was). I couldn’t get up and walk away as jeans were tight and it was pretty obvious to any one looking that I must be a real sick puppy walking around like that. Ended up getting a mates jacket to hang over it. I took a girl back to the hotel and in the morning she said “you go long time many times”, the wonder of it strikes again!

You can try it now too, don’t loose you chance!

Berkleef Raymos
Thomas Gaultier Hacker
Garcia Augustin Berkan Meredith

Now a version which reflects my thought processes as I read it for the first time:

Two years ago I tried one for a laugh and was impressed.

What? What? What are you talking about Louis? Tried what? Where’s the subject of your sentence…

It cost me $35 a tablet,

Oh, there we go. A tablet. For what? Laughing? A laughing tablet? What?

girl said take one hour before activity

Before activity? Take an hour before the activity? An hour off or something? What? Oh I see – take the tablet one hour before the activity. But what activity? Attending a comedy festival? Surfing? A prayer meeting?

only need to take half but I took the whole thing

Well that’s hardly wise is it, for some kind of medication you’ve never taken before? Especially a laughing tablet. That could get you into real trouble. Like, you could start laughing at puns or something.

Sure enough after one hour it worked I was sitting in a bar playing a game with a girl

Yes, but how do you know it was the tablet? The girl might have been very funny. Or maybe it was the game. I’ve played some hysterical games of Flip the Coaster in my time.

and wasn’t even thinking about it (well maybe only 10% of the brain was)

10% of the brain was thinking about what? The game? The girl? The tablet? Laughing? Maybe thinking about what the other 90% of an obviously fairly under-resourced brain was doing?

I couldn’t get up and walk away as jeans were tight and it was pretty obvious to any one looking that I must be a real sick puppy walking around like that.

With jeans that were too tight to walk around in? Yep, I gotta say Louis, I’ve seen some pretty ugly sights in the tight jeans department. You should have thought of that on your way in. Most people in this joint would have already had you pegged as a sick puppy. I’m surprised you could find a girl to play games with. She must have had a good sense of humour. You really have to watch yourself with tight jeans. Aside from looking like a real dickhead, what if you got an erection or something? You could do some serious damage. Thank god for the laughing tablet, eh? I guess that, and the excruciating crushing of your testicles would have taken your mind off other things, if you get my meaning.

Ended up getting a mates jacket to hang over it.

OK, now you lost me. Mates… jacket… to… hang… over… it… Let me just read back there… OH! It’s one of those kinds of tablets. Not a laughing tablet at all! Mind you, I can imagine that the sight of you in your tight jeans with a friend’s jacket waggling in the air before your groin was bringing laughter to many people that night, without the need of any further medication on their part. I wish I’d been there.

I took a girl back to the hotel and in the morning she said “you go long time many times”

Yeah, well I’m not surprised. You sound like you had quite a bit to drink my man.

the wonder of it strikes again!

Louis, believe me when I tell you that the wonder of it strikes me every time I read your email.

Berkleef Raymos
Thomas Gaultier Hacker
Garcia Augustin Berkan Meredith

Ah, me. Again we see that like so many other spammers Louis suffers from the apparently epidemic affliction of Spammer Identity Confusion. I am beginning to formulate an hypothesis that it could just be that this is a side-effect of taking all these pills, for laughter or otherwise.

Whatever. I’m not going to loose any sleep over it.

Tetherd Cow Ahead Critical Thinking 101: Lesson #1

Over the last few weeks three people with whom I have some acquaintance have fallen for an internet scam of the ‘Send This email to 20 People You Know and We’ll Give You Something Really Valuable Entirely for Free’ variety.

What is most perplexing is that these are all people who I would consider intelligent, savvy folk under normal circumstances, and who all have at least a modicum of internet experience.

I just can’t comprehend why they, and so many others, fall for these blatantly obvious swindles.

OK, as a Tetherd Cow Ahead Public Service I’m going to inscribe an internet truism here. Got a felt pen? Write it on your mouse-mat:

★ If someone offers you something of material value for free in an email, IT IS A SCAM.

There is no exception to this rule. I have yet to hear of a single instance of someone being offered a freebie of any value and actually getting it.

The kinds of emails we’re talking about come in a variety of different flavours, but they’re basically riffs on the same theme. Sony is the latest victim of this hoax and they have even taken the fairly extreme measures of posting a warning on their site, and an example of the offending email. Let me reproduce it for you here:

Subject: FW: PSP GIVEAWAY!!!
Importance: High

Dear all

Sony is giving away PSP consoles “FREE”!! Sony is trying word-of-mouth advertising to introduce its products. And the reward you receive for advertising for them is a PSP free of cost!

To receive your free PSP all you need to do is send this email out to 20 people for a PSP value pack(see attached picture).

Within 2 weeks you will receive a free PSP! (They contact you via your email address).

What makes this so compelling? I don’t know about you, but when I read this kind of thing, my critical thinking mechanism takes less than an attosecond to file it under Hogwash.

Nevertheless, this phenomenon intrigues me, so here’s the deal: In an effort to understand what kind of person falls for these things I’m going to give a two-week all-expenses paid holiday, flying First Class to Vatulele to the first Cow reader who comments on this post.

Now. Hands up who believed me, even for an instant. (Put your hand down Jam, you’re just being silly).

See? Just because it’s written in proper words on the internet doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

BTW, if anyone from Sony is reading this, I didn’t get my Playstation yet.

Spam Observations #16

Someone named Green* sends me this today:

Subject: Only Humans with an IQ of at least 120 are allowed to open this Message

I have no idea what my IQ is but I open it anyway†. Nothing happens to me. So far so good. Either my IQ is over 120 or I’m scamming something. w00t!

The text of the message goes on to say:

Only Humans with an IQ of at least 120 are allowed to: click here

Well they haven’t tumbled to my clever masquerade, and who can tell what treasures await me, so I click there. My browser opens a web page with an error message. Oh, how disappointing, and yet somehow entirely predictable, because… the next part of the email says:

If you can’t open, use this freeware: click here

Oooh. Golly gosh, I wonder what will happen when I click on this link, which, when I run my mouse over it, says: www.pleasescrewmeroyallyrightuptheass.com/ouch/iloveit.zip. Or maybe it is www.pleaseinfectmycomputerwithyourfoulvirus/yes/doitnow.zip: it’s a bit hard to read, my eyes are so blurry with the excitement of having convinced complete strangers of my superior IQ. I am such a k3w1 and krafty h4x0r. Oh the exhilaration of the life of the l337! ph33r m3h n00bs!

I click the link and whaddya know, a file starts to download. Excellent d00d. sploitz or warez 4 sure! pr0n at least!

So here it is… jaja!!! It’s something called ‘MyDoom’‡. w00t! A game. k3w1!

Oh wait… It’s an .exe file! Even with my m4d sk1llz I can’t open it on a Mac.

suxx0r!!! If only I had a PC who knows what adventures I could be having right now!**

*Named Green, or perhaps of that colour. My previous experience with spammers in the amphibian trade admits various possibilities.

†WARNING: This kind of experiment is suitable only for adventurous idiots with a Macintosh. PC users should definitely NOT open these kinds of emails no matter what they think their IQ is.

‡Lie for comic effect.

**Smug Macintosh User Gloating††

††d00d!! A recursive acronym. Is that cool or what?

Spam Observations #15

Barrister Kelvin Bello (Esq) sent me details of how I might collect $US7 million dollars for doing him a trifling favour. It was addressed thus:

From: dr_bello_11@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: HOW ARE YOU TOADY

Hmmm. Should I take offense at his manners, when there is such a substantial sum in the offing?

Spam Observations #14

Helga wrote to me today to say:*

You’ll be surprized the number of confused girls looking for adventurous people! 0! have some fun now!

Helga seems to be telling me that the number of confused girls looking for adventurous people is zero! She is obviously aware of my penchant for statistics and numbers, but I’m not exactly sure why she thinks this in particular will be of interest to me, and further, how I could have fun with this information.

Leaving Helga’s obvious lack of mathematical acumen aside, one is left with the image of confused girls in Himalayan bars making eyes at visitors over the fermented yak’s milk:

“Hey big boy. That’s a pretty nice caribiner you’ve got there – can I touch it? I bet you could show a girl the ropes. You look like a mountain man – I bet you like… oh! This isn’t The Stoned Crow! How did I get here? Who are you? What is this with the disgusting Vodka and Rancid Yoghurt?”

*The spam in this series is quoted verbatim. As bizarre as each is.

Spam Observations #13

Henry wrote to me today with a remedy for my failure to attract beautiful women:

Don’t you wish you could attract all the most gorgeous women around you each day? Its easier then you think. A few dabs of Ultra Allure Pheromones will have women fighting over you.

Women fighting over me? Would it be too much to hope for naked jelly-wrestling?

Scientifically proven to work- pheromones have been used for years now to attract women.

And ants.

Don’t be at a disadvantage anymore- pheromones will help any male attract women of all types and ages.

Awww… hang on, it’s starting to sound a bit indiscriminate… And scary. I don’t know if I want women of all types and ages flocking to my door. Does this Ultra Allure stuff come in a flavour that won’t attract Bronwyn Bishop or Pauline Hanson or Amanda Vanstone?*

Don’t be left behind! Millions of men are already benefiting from using pheromons to attract women-

(and ants…)

-without them you are at a disadvantage! Don’t let the other guy get the girl, arm yourself with Ultra Allure pheromones tonight!

Hang on, if all these other men are drenching themselves in these pheromones, and I do too, it’s just going to be one big pheromone free-for-all out there. Hey, maybe that’s it! Those poor crazed women are going to be so hormone-addled by the haze of pheromones that they’ll be just jumping anything that moves. It’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel!

If YOU would like to …
– Become a lot more sexually attractive.

Uh huh…

– Meet more beautiful women, MUCH more easily.

I’m listening…

– Grab the attention and get approached by women far more often.

Go on…

– Make a fantastic, memorable, compelling impression , every time.

Sounding good…

– Increase your self-confidence and masculinity BIG-time: then this may be the most important news you will read all year.

Henry, I’m sold! Where do I sign? Oh, just before I do, coupla quick questions: Women are not going to think I’m a giant ant are they? Because, like, giant ants are not really known for getting the girl, except in 1950s horror movies in which instance it generally turns out badly for the ant. And, um, just curious, but can you tell me if there are any known side-effects if Ultra Allure is used in conjunction with SPUR-M?

*Overseas visitors: Australian political figures who, if you are lucky, you will never ever read about again.