Tetherd Cow Ahead

One effective method of stopping junk mail.

Ah, Faithful Acowlites! Welcome to 2006. And what more fitting a way to ring in the New Year could I choose than a post about penis size? And not just any penises. We’ve spared no expense and today we’re going to be talking Historical Celebrity Penis Wars.

But I’m getting ahead of myself; let’s start at the beginning. This morning, Nurse Myra, ever on the alert for penis opportunities forwarded me this Important Information from ‘Haltungverbund’:

From: Haltungverbund
Subject: Make your penis visible through your pants.

Have y0ur heard of Erotic Museam in St. Petersburg? After t@k1ng our Viril1ty Patch RX, your dick can be exhibited there as the biggest penis ever.

Make your penis visible through your pants. Our Virility Patch RX can make your penis amazingly huge.

There is a number of medical conditions that affect penis size. These are evident at birth and may require medical intervention.

But there is only one way to fight a small penis. And it’s called Virility Patch RX.

Oh, the mirth.

Well, Haltungverbund had one up on me though – I didn’t know there was an Erotic Museam in St Petersbug, so I looked it up! Yep, there it was: ‘The very first Russian Museum of Erotica’ established by the Head Physician of the Prostate Center of The Russian Academy of Sciences, Igor Knyazkin. ((Source: Pravda – “St. Petersburg to host the first Museum of Erotica in Russia”))

“I want Russia to be a civilized country that looks into the future and has a correct vision of erotica,” stated Knyazkin to the Nezavisimaya Gazette.”

Which is, after all, an admirable goal. An uncivilized Russia looking backwards into the past with an incorrect vision of erotica defies imagination.

To this end, the exhibit that Knyazkin has chosen to symbolize this forward-looking civilized erotic Russia is, quite logically, Grigori Rasputin’s preserved penis.

“Having such unique item on display, we can stop envying America that treasures Napoleon Bonaparte’s reproductive organ,” states Knyazkin. “In 1970s, Napoleon’s genitals have been sold to an American urologist at an auction for $4000 USD. Napoleon’s private part however is just a mere pod in comparison to our 30cm long organ.” ((Did anyone else know this international-scale penis-envy was going on? So that’s what the Cuban Missile Crisis was really about. ))

Yeah, take that you Yankee pigdogs with yer petite and undoubtedly gay Froggy penis. ((Dr. Knyazkin has also managed to acquire a gold-plated box containing the genitals of Joan of Arc. If I’d known there was such a trade in the reproductive organs of Historical Personages I’d have paid a lot more attention in history classes (I’ll trade you Genghis Khan’s foreskin for… Anne of Cleves’ nipples and a snuff box full of Rene Descartes’ pubic hair…)))

Yep, that thing that the pretty girl is looking at in the picture, is supposed to be Rasputin’s penis. Here’s a picture on Flickr of another pretty girl looking at it. ((I’m sorry if I’ve infringed anyone’s copyright here, but I hope you’ll agree it’s in everybody’s interest that these photographs are bought to the attention of the world.))

I don’t even want to speculate what these girls might be thinking, but I do wonder if they were there on the same day that Rasputin’s great grandson John Nekmerson visited the St. Petersburg museum. On viewing his ancestor’s pickled part Mr Nekmerson exclaimed, “This is really it, I’ve got the same one!”

He evidently has no need of Haltungverbund’s RX Virility Patch.

Which brings us back to Haltungverbund’s original email and allows us to make a few important observations:

1: If you want to exhibit your dick at the St Petersburg Museum of Erotica, then this surely implies that you need to be separated from it so they can put it in a jar for photographs. Sorry Haltungverbund, I’m not interested in this.

2: The Russians have taken Haltungverbund’s suggestion that “there is only one way to fight a small penis” on board and are countering with their Mad Monk’s Monster Member. Come on Yankees! Are you going to defend your title with the Coquettish Cock of a Cropped Corsican? Surely Lanky Abe Lincoln’s Lengthy Lingam will stand up for you! Or is the Cold War still at work on your nether regions?

3: It’s actually a simple matter to have your penis visible through your pants if that’s really something you desire: just wear cheesecloth pants. This might not count as high fashion, but if visibility is what you seek, and your name is John Nekmerson, none of the girls are going to be looking at the pants.

Happy New Year! S Novim Godom! Bonne Année!

Welcome to 2006!

Spam Observations #21

Nicholas Malone wrote to me today with some cheery Christmas News. I’m touched that Nicholas took some minutes off on his holiday break to think of me. I completely forgot to send him anything.

From: BHZLFTW@gslahr.og.bw.schule.de
Subject: ModernBill
Date: 27 December 2005 11:56:50 PM

-Sensattional revolution in meedicine!

-E-nlarge your p-enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches!

-It’s herbal solution what hasn’t side effect, but has 100% guaranteed results!

-Don’t loose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results!

Did you spot it?: “what hasn’t side effect“…

Well, he’s lying isn’t he? One obvious side effect is that it completely fucks up your spelling, your typing and your grammar. He quite evidently plays loose and fast with the truth (let alone with the chances).

So despite the Christmassy fact that his name is Nicholas it’s gonna be a cold day in Hell before I let him anywhere near my p-enis.*

*Not that I’m suggesting in any way that I’d be letting Santa play with my p-enis, you understand. Unless he was a she and he looked, oh, something like this.

Spam Observations #20

Kerry Webb wrote to me today with the following question:

“What is OEM software, and why should you care?”

Which is probably the easiest spam I’ve ever had to process mentally.

Let me put it to you in an interview format, like I was being interviewed by, let’s say, Vanity Fair:

Kerry: What is OEM software?
Reverend Anaglyph: I have no idea.

Kerry: Why should you care?
Reverend Anaglyph: I don’t.

Reverend Anaglyph: Do we get lunch?

Well Faithful Cowites, I guess you’ve noticed it’s been quiet over the last few days. And for good reason. There’s been big developments at Cow Central. I’m writing to tell you all that this will be the last posting I will do on Tetherd Cow Ahead. It’s been a great (almost) year, and I’ve made a lotta great friends and we’ve had some good laughs together. But sadly, all good things must come to an end. Yes that’s right folks, I’m closing up shop here at The Cow because… I have won The British GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO!!! *

No, I’d never heard of it either but I have apparently WON £1.5 MILLION BRITISH POUNDS. Look, I’m sorry for all the caps, but I think you can totally understand my excitement. And besides, my new REALLY REALLY Best Friend Mac Owen who sent me the good news, likes to use caps a lot too. Well, you would, wouldn’t you, if you had the job of conveying that kind of spectacular news to people.

Mac’s email to me was a little long-winded, but stick with me – it’s almost TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE:

From: The Director of the Prize Award Department
Reference number: EG/38807886091/05
Batch number: 340/1608/RDL

Oooh. That sounds all official and everything don’t it? With all those complicated Batch Numbers and all. It must be genuine! No one could, like, just make up those numbers like that.

I wonder what other Departments they have at a place called the Graphics Fortune Lotto? The Money Hoarding Department? The Coloured Ball Minding Department? The Sucker Born Every Minute Department?

Re: Award Notification Of Final Notice

Oh. Is this an award I’m getting, or am I being just awarded a Final Notice?

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO brits sweepstakes lottery International promotion UK programmes held on the 10TH OCTOBER 2005. Your email address attached to the ticket number 033-1146993-750 with serial number 13-15-16-21-34-36, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.

Excellent. More numbers attached to even more numbers. Not even that Machiavelli guy could get that clever.

Sure. OK. Third place is totally cool by me (since I can’t even remember buying a ticket anyway). Fourth place? Eight place? A trip to Vatulele? All hunky dory here baby, I ain’t lookin’ a gift cow in the mouth.

You have therefore been awarded the lump sum of £1.5MILLION (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) in cash credited to file number EG/38807886091/05.This is from the total cash prize off £150,000,000.00(ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) which is being shared among Ten international lucky winners in this category. Your funds are deposited with a security company, which will be insured in your name once you contact us.

Huzzah! It is money after all! Hey Mac, don’t you worry about insuring the money in my name. You just stick those buckaroonies in my bank account, and I’ll do all that icky legal stuff. I’m just so stoked to have such a totally unexpected windfall come my way. I really wouldn’t want you to go to any trouble or anything. It’s not like you’re getting anything outta this, except maybe a basic wage, right?

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 email addresses from all over the world as a part of our international promotional program, which we conduct twice annually.

You do this twice annually. You give away 300 million British Pounds to randomly selected email addresses every year?

→ Short currency conversion break: £300 MILLION Sterling = $526.62 MILLION US = $700.10 MILLION Australian ←

(Excuse the caps again, but I just want to make it clear that we’re not talking peanuts here. Unless it huge motherfucking WETA Digital FX King Kong-sized peanuts†).

We hope that with a part of your prize, you will take part in our end of year high stake 3bn lottery.

Run that by me again? As well as giving away 300 MILLION POUNDS annually you also give away a further 3 BILLION POUNDS at the end of the year. Like as in 5.3 BILLION US DOLLARS? Like as in 7 BILLION AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS? Do you have any idea what you could buy in this part of the world for that kind of money? That’s right: EVERYTHING!

Including New Zealand. If you had a reason to want it.

It does beg the question of where all these readies are coming from. ‘Cause as I understand it, I didn’t actually buy anything, and you just selected me randomly from my email address, so Mac, you’re cashed up from exactly where? Last I heard, that kind of dosh only regularly changed hands when there was heavy armament involved. And, like, dictators with disposable countries.

And I don’t mean to sound greedy or anything, just having won 3.5 million bucks, but how come I wasn’t already in the end-of-year lotto, it being the end of year and all? I mean, I know I didn’t enter it, but I didn’t enter the £1.5MILL GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO either and I won that (sure, OK, third place, but I’d take third place on 7 billion if I was forced into it…)

See, I’d be happy to fork out for a few tickets in the 3bn lottery, but by the time we get all those bank transfers sorted out, well, it’s Christmas, all the shops close for the holiday, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, it’s a drag, the 3bn (ie 7 BILLION AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS… oops, sorry I almost wet myself) would have come in handy for the Christmas shopping, but whaddya gonna do? Maybe next year Mac old chum.

(Actually, when I think on it, a friend of mine might like New Zealand, not that it would be easy to wrap with that funny shape it has)

All prize money must be claimed no later than 14days from the date of this notice, as after this date, all funds will be returned to GRAPHICS LOTTO INTERNATIONAL‡ as unclaimed. To file for your claim, please contact our financial agent:

MR. MAC OWEN
CLAIMS MANAGER.

* Sigh, yes, this is, alas, merely Spam Observation #19. I’m not really rolling in mounds of hundred dollar bills piled high like Autumn leaves. And I’m not yet sending the Cow off to the Big Meadow in the Sky. So you can put the Kleenex away. SpamOb #19 is remarkable in one aspect only – that Mac doesn’t suffer from Spammer Identity Confusion. Although he does have two titles, being Claims Manager and Director of the Prize Award Department. I think it’s a slippery slope.

† Alright, thank you, I’m aware gorillas don’t eat peanuts.

‡What the hell does a lottery have to do with GRAPHICS anyway? GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO? Nobody I know who works in graphics has got 7 billion dollars in loose change.

☆ Motza = Australian slang for a huge fucking shitload of cash.

Spam Observations #18

Today, Claudio Joiner (or John Smith*) wrote to tell me that ‘my woman wants a replica’. But here, let him tell you in his own words (Spam Speak is always so much better than anything I could come up with):

Subject: Your woman wants a replica

Do you want a high quality replica?

In our online store you can buy replicas that look and feel exactly like the real thing.

– We have 20+ different brands in our selection†
– Free shipping if you order 5 or more
– Save up to 40% compared to the cost of other replicas
– Standard Features:
– Screw-in crown
– Unidirectional turning bezel where appropriate
– All the appropriate logos, on crown and dial
– Heavy weight

Best regards,
John Smith

So, girls. Sound appealing? High quality replicas that look and feel like the real thing? 20+ different brands? So, you’ve got the picture in your mind, right? I bet it looks exactly like THIS!

*More Spammer Identity Confusion

†Once again these idiotic spammers think they are being wonderfully crafty by not mentioning the actual brand name of the stupid crapola fake watches they’re selling. Like, because it will get past my spam filters and I’ll suddenly think “Ooooh. I can’t for the life of me think why I filtered the word ‘Cowlex’ from my mail. I must immediately go and buy one of these pieces of junk!”‡

‡Not that the actual real Cowlexâ„¢ watches aren’t very fine pieces of merchandise, soon to be available in the TCA Store.