Tetherd Cow Ahead

Something very weird’s going on in cyberspace. I’ve been receiving a number of spams of the format:

Subject: 1545453
Date: 6 June 2006 6:33:59 PM
To: reverend@tetherdcow.com

969

That’s it. No spiel, no links, no products, no attachments. I know other people have been receiving these too.

What’s going on?

Well, let’s Google ‘1545453’ (I’m doing this as I write). The first hit that turns up, after hits referring to the spam itself, is a link to the NCBI database – a Center for Disease Control abstract for an influenza vaccine demonstration.

Hmmm.

Let’s try ‘969’:

The first hit, strangely enough, is a Sydney radio station, Nova 969. Then some links from Wikipedia for the year 969 then… ooooo… what’s this…? Another scientific abstract from the NCBI database. This time, a profile of gene CD69 (Homo Sapiens). It appears to be a gene active in the immune system.

Did the hairs just go up on your arms…

Searching for ‘1545453′ and ‘conspiracy’ returns its first hit to a blog that has gone dead.

But the Google cache is still active.

Keith Graham traces the origination of the email to a server in Australia.

More news as it comes to hand.

If The Cow goes AWOL, start worrying.

Spam Observations #25

My pal Bert wrote to me this morning opining that:

Life Should be Full of Luxuries….

And then:

Yes, only a handful of people can afford the finest products, the luxuries of the elite. But, here at “Luxury Replica” we are committed to bringing you the finest products, at prices incomparably lower.

Now Bert, you’ve come all unstuck in yer logic there, fella. The Oxford Dictionary defines a luxury as ‘an inessential, desirable item that is expensive or difficult to obtain’.

But you are saying that I must have these products and are promising to provide lots of them for cheap.

See where that all falls in a heap?

I have this friend who was interested to know if it is possible to put a curse on someone online. This friend searched all over the internet and found that aside from one poxy and insipidly saccharine voodoo doll site, there appears to be nowhere at all where this can be done.

Oh very well, I know what you are all saying: “Who’s he kidding, we weren’t born yesterday! We are The Astute Cognoscenti of The Cow!”. Yes, I confess, it is no ‘friend’ I am talking about, it is ME!

Yesterday, after one last unprovoked prodding by some oily friend of Raymundo I decided that I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more! I am being assaulted from all sides with spam. It’s getting to be a real pain in the ass. It clogs up my email, stops my friends from leaving comments on my blog and even invades my dreams. But what to do???

Then, last night, sometime around the Witching Hour, it came to me! If the little red wagon of the spammers can’t be fixed by conventional means, then it follows that I have no option but to turn to black magic.

But dammit! What the hell is this? I can buy my groceries online, book my flights online, pay my gas bill online, watch my movies online and get ordained online but evidently there is just no way to put even a basic curse on someone via the internet.

This is a failing of apocalyptic proportions!

I did find a site that offers to sell me a voodoo doll kit via mail order. A compromise, but I guess…

The one thing that immediately struck me, though, was the caveat:

Remember to ask that the person be hurt only as much as you were, no more and no less — by using a doll fairly you are in no way breaking any Universal laws.

Now this poses a difficult ethical question: How much do these spammers hurt anyone? According to Spamhaus, a site that tracks the nefarious escapades of the web’s spammers, Public Spam Enemy #1 in the top ten is the Ukraine’s Alex Blood. Mr Blood is profiled as the operator of a ‘massive botnet and child-porn spam ring’. That’s pretty bad, right? That deserves a pretty hefty curse, right?

I opted for having his eyes put out or his hands chopped off. Or both.

I mentioned it to Nurse Myra.

“I’m a bit worried about this evil streak that’s coming out in you,” she said, in a spectacular example of the Pot Calling the Kettle Black.

“Why?” I said, “Spammers are the scum of the earth!”

“Even so, that’s rather extreme…”

“What about having his dick shrivel up and drop off?” I asked. “Painfully”.

She made a face.

“Well what would you suggest?” I asked. “A bad case of diarhhoea?”

No, this will never do! I need some serious hi-tech online voodoo to kick the butts of Alex Blood and his despicable cronies. Something that doesn’t come with prudish karmic warnings.

So, Faithful Minions of The Cow, this is your mission should you choose to accept it (when I say that, you understand I am just quoting Mission Impossible and that you have no choice, n’est ce pas?):

I want you all to go out and scour the web for online black magic. These lowlife scum must be stopped!

Spam Observations #24

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been getting an enormous influx of porn spam that I can make a good guess comes from some country where English is not the first language. The spam itself is unremarkable but the subject lines are suitably mirth inducing:

Subject: Group jolly Gay hardcore!

I dunno. This just paints a picture of a college afternoon of picnicking and punting on the Cam… “What ho, old chap, let’s have another glass of ginger beer and a game of Pass the Parcel!”

Subject: jolly Teens doing fine blowjob!

And again, a smashingly fun romp in the hedge maze. ‘Jolly’ is such an evocative word, don’t you think?

Subject: Young Sluts so tasteful and graceful!

Here, two qualities not usually attributed to sluts.

Subject: attractive Schoolgirls doing tasteful sucking.

I try very hard to imagine schoolgirls and ‘tasteful sucking’ but no matter which way I conjure it, I’m coming up with smut. Y’know, maybe they’re in a nicely decorated conservatory with billowing gauze curtains hiding the rude bits… still…

Subject: Dad fucking fascinating daughter!

Is ‘fascinating’ the right word here? Really? Maybe this is better:

Subject: Dad fucking goluptious daughter!

Or maybe not. ‘Goluptious’? They didn’t even use a dictionary for that one.

Then there is:

Subject: exquisite Woman doing radiant blowjob!

Now, I have quite a hankering to see this, because a radiant blowjob just sounds so spectacular. Done by a suitably exquisite woman, this might not be so bad.

And in a similar vein, it’s nice to see some long-overdue artistry coming into play in porn:

Subject: fine-looking Gay and innocent little esthetical pussies!

Esthetical pussies! I’m sure Plato would approve.

Last, but not least, the enigmatic:

Subject: refined incest Scenes!

Yep, there is incest, and then there is refined incest. A better class of incest for the connoisseur!

It all sounds so *quaint. Maybe I’m getting porn spam from the past from Victorian England?

Spam Observations #23

Wilson Roman sent me an email this morning that began:

Subject: shame of sex? we can change it

I believe Wilson was wanting to sell me some kind of drug to give me an erection rather than offering to turn me into a woman. Once again, we have an illustration of why you ought to finish your schooling even if you are intent on embarking on a career of low-rent scamming.

Kids: why spelling, grammar and punctuation are important, even if you wish to embark on a criminal career*:

From: support@amazon.com
Subject: Important Notice!

In order to maintain the integrity of the entire Amazon.com system , our crew members is running an data base update . This decision was taken by the High Executive Beaurau of Amazon.com and it should be followed by all of it’s customers .

To follow the procedure just click on the link bellow:

https://www.giveyourmoneytocrooks.com†

We encourage you to log in and perform the steps necessary to help us in our progres .

Thank you for understanding
The Amazon.com Team

I wasn’t at all encouraged to log in and help them with their progres.

I wonder if Amazon really does have a High Executive Beaurau? Or even a Bureau? Sounds fancy. There is definitely a High Executive Beaurau at The Cow as of now.

*Perhaps, these days, especially if you want to embark on a criminal career…
†Not their real names