Tetherd Cow Ahead

#1: How to Make Your Very Own Pepper Spray

Step1: Grab a handful of birdseye chillies.

Step 2: Stick them in a blender with a pint of water and let fly.

Step 3: Strain the resulting striking red-coloured fluid into a spray bottle.

DO NOT INHALE at any time during the above process. You will be mighty sorry if you do.

Yes, yes, I can hear you all clamouring to know exactly why I’m doing this, in contravention of the Geneva Convention and at the probable risk of being arrested under the Anti-Terrorism Act. Who is this enemy on which the genial and good-natured Reverend would wish to inflict some kind of biological napalmic hell?

Snails.

Bastards.

The Sony PlayStation 3 was launched to scenes of mass apathy in Sydney last night, with the anticipated clamouring hordes of customers being outnumbered by press, security and salivating retailers.

Sony must have been disappointed, as would have been the stores, but where did the tragedy strike hardest? Let me quote a little from the Sydney Morning Herald coverage:

At midnight, about 40 PS3 buyers had arrived to collect their consoles, causing distress for the army of camera crews who turned up expecting to capture launch mayhem.

Distress? Awwww. Poor paparazzi poppets. I guess they stayed up well past their bedtimes and, dang, it was a fizzer!

I can only imagine the scenes of sobbing and consolation going on around water coolers in press offices all over Sydney this morning. I hope they’re getting proper counselling.

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At the $999.00 that you’ll have to fork out for a PS3 in Australia, Sony will need to do a lot of convincing to compete with Xbox & Wii… Good luck chaps.

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Being a responsible modern citizen concerned with saving energy I found myself stocking up on fluorescent light bulbs to replace all my incandescent ones. The big selling point on these things (aside from their Green credentials) is their longevity and… waiddaminute… what does that say…? A big 3 YEARS LIFE! but a wimpy 1 Year Guarantee!!!

Sheesh. Some advertising wonk has pulled a pretty big rabbit outta a pretty small hat for that one.

If you take it to mean "We guarantee it to last for 1 year, but it might last for 3!", then why did they not go for broke and say, oh, 10 years life. Or 20 years life? C’mon Mr Osram – what have you possibly got to lose?

If there’s one thing I hate it’s mediocrity in hyperbole.

In a reasonably crowded shopping mall this morning, man talking loudly on mobile phone:

Hey Mike, what’s the entry code for the Nelson Street Studio?¹ No. Yeah. Uh-huh. No – Nelson Street. Annandale. Across the road from the church. Yeah? 4523? OK. Great! Thanks.

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¹The details of this exchange have been altered to protect the dimwitted.

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I am totally indebted to TastesLikeChicken! for pointing out to me the wondrous inventions available at Global Trade Purveyor alibaba.com. There can be no doubt at all that this is where Angelo does his shopping.

Of particular interest are:

The Flattener Chicken Machine:

“Our machine has the capability to crush 24 chicken breasts per minute, and with the thickness of a ham slice. With this you’ll have an extra-flat chicken breast. It is really a money machine!!!“

Because, well, yeah, everyone knows that Flat Chicken Breasts = $$$$!!! And fast? Yessirree, this machine is a license to print chickens!!!

The Vegetarian Chicken Modeling Machine:

“Used to shape the soybean food production suck as vegerarian chicken. The vegetarian has long-tested and its performance enjoys very high reputation from our clients that this machine is easy to operate and run smoothly with low failure rate.”

First, take your Soybean Food Production Suck. Then shape a Vegerarian Chicken from it. Could anything be simpler? Or more gag-inducing?

The Vacuum Suck Machine:

“The vacuum soybean-suck system is composed of vacuum soybean-suck machine, vacuum barrel, storage barrel, bean-sucking tube and dia. 80 plastic tube 10m.”

Yep, nothing sucks like this machine. This is one mothersucking sucker. If you need your beans sucked, look no further!

Of course, the question still remains: why do people call me when the damn things break down?

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Chicken image courtesy stock.xchng

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☆January 16th, 1307: Food alchemist Angelo Bembo’s chicken machine breaks down.