Tetherd Cow Ahead

The World’s Smallest Parking Lot!

(Click on image for a closer inspection)

Addendum: OK, imagine this scenario: Someone arrives at, oh, say 6.30pm to grab a bite at Passage to India. And there’s a car parked in the spot – an unexpectedly tricky makeover session running long at Escape Beauty.

Yes! When, exactly, does Evening start?

All I can see here is an ugly aloo/aloe situation.

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Discovered by Pil on her Fantastic Adventure!

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With the exception of the astute few, the general Cownoscenti somehow comprehensively failed to notice that on this International Talk Like a Pirate Day past, the whole of Tetherd Cow Ahead was in piratese.

This is a massive shame because there was some gut-quakingly funny stuff to be had, especially via some of my more serious posts.

Before the magic of ITLAPD wore off, though, I was able to snap a little snippet out of my Cracked, Plastered or Just Incompetent post for posterity.

If you remember, it was an account of the trials and tribulations of my attempts to find a plasterer to do some work on my house. Go read the post to familiarize yourself with my conversation with the little rotund man with one tooth.

Got that?

This is the way the conversation would have happened had we been pirates:

So. I need ye t’ give me a quote in writin’.

Aye! (shakes his head as if t’ say ‘nay’).

Can ye do that this week?

Aye.

Can ye send it t’ me by th’ end o’ th’ week?

(The ornery cuss brandishes his business card) Have ye got lines?

Lines?

Lines! Shiver me timbers! Lines!

(The ornery cuss waves his card again, I’ll warrant ye. I look confused. The ornery cuss points at me computer. Fetch me spyglass, and a bottle of rum! A lightbulb pops on o’er me head).

Oh! You mean email!

Nay! Nay!

(The ornery cuss shakes his head violently and waves his card again, I’ll warrant ye. I have NO notion what he means).

So yez all missed out on the laughs. That’ll teach yer to pay attention. Now you’ll have to wait a whole year to see whether or not the Curse of the Black Cow is cast once again over my writings.

Jasmuheen grabs a midnight snack.

Thank you Cowerati for your wonderful submissions for ideas for Classic works of literature suitably reduced in scale for publication as Nano Editions, a la Teeny Ted from Turnip Town.

I can tell you that judging a winner was a tough call from so many chuckle-worthy entries. In the end I just had to go with my initial instincts and give the prize to the suggestion that most surprised and delighted me on first reading.

First, some Honourable Mentions:

Phoebe Fay got a chuckle with The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Neighbourhood, as did Casey with Slaughterhouse .5. Chickie definitely got a laugh with The Okay Earth, and Joey also raised a guffaw with … (his abbreviated version of Waiting for Godot)

Pil continued to completely confuse me with a book that Adolf Hitler almost certainly never even thought of writing, Mein Achselhöhle (about his armpit…?), and HughT almost pipped the winner at the post with his wonderful The Life of Pi to Four Decimal Places.

In the end, I had to go with the suggestion that I thought most succinctly summed up the spirit of the Nano Publication (ie, a Classic with essence suitably distilled for sub-miniature reproduction), combined with the most outrageous pun. It was, of course, Radiocative Jam‘s Less Miserables.

Jam, the trophy is yours. Salut, and well done. An appropriate prize is winging its way across the Pacific.

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!

Oh shit, let me just catch my breath.

Hahahahaha! Hahahahaahahhaha!

Allow me to present you with two sentences from abovementioned ‘source’:

A conservative encyclopedia you can trust.

And in the entry on Evolution:

Creationists can cite material showing that there is no real fossil evidence for the macroevolutionary position and that the fossil record supports creationism.

Conservapedia’s front page trumpets:

You will much prefer using Conservapedia compared to Wikipedia if you want concise answers free of “political correctness”.

… to which I would add ‘… or any actual basis in reality’

I propose that the editors should re-think the name of their site and maybe retitle it as ‘Put-Your-Head-In-A-Bag-opedia’

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahaahaahahaa! Oh look – a handy sandstone block! I think I’ll smash my head against it a few times.

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Special Universal Head Advisory: Pete, don’t go there. It will ruin your day.

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Arrrrrr! Avast! I hope ye all have ye pirattitude on and ye ringtones set to sea shanties for International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

For me own part, a hearty ‘Thank Ye’ to Pirate Jimbo the Badly Burnt (aka Kirke) for sending me a bevvy o’ wenches to enjoy with me breakfast rum. Arrrrrr!

So ye bilge-sucking dogs, belay that dilly-dallying, keelhaul the landlubbers, brace the mains’l ‘gainst the wind and ply the Sweet Trade!

Arrrrrrr!