Gadgets


Quantum physics is clearly at work in the new Trinfinity8: Energy-On-The-Go iPhone and Android phone app. This unique app streams natural mathematical algorithms to the user via earbuds to help balance energy, feel better, and even boost sexual libido. And all that for only $3.99.

How many of them did you count, Faithful Acowlytes? You know what I mean: woo buzzwords. Let me see, there was ‘quantum’, ‘natural’, ‘balance’ and ‘energy’. No mention of fractals or magnets, but I’m sure that if we visit the Trinfinity8 website we’ll get at least one of those…

This unique software program was developed as a direct result of information brought back from a near death experience by Dr. Kathy Forti. Trinfinity8 is the first system of its kind to use a personal computer to deliver non-invasive rejuvenation programs based on mathematical codes, vibrational energies, and fractal formulations that are in harmony with core energetics that encompass all of nature.

Haha. Well, look at that. Aside from fractals we got a bonus ‘vibrational’, as well as ‘harmony’ and ‘energetics’. It’s a veritable treasure trove of woo buzzword bingo.

I will save you the interminable chore of wading through the addled pseudoscience that makes up Trinfinity8 by telling you that it is software (clearly using quantum physics) that plays musical drones and movies of fractal patterns that pretend to have all kinds of magical powers. How does it work? I’m glad you asked:

Trinfinity8’s unique technology allows for streams of coded data to be transmitted through your computer’s USB port.

As opposed to what’s normally transmitted through your computers USB port which would, of course be… oh, that’s right – streams of coded data!

A digital translator device then sends information to the body via specially designed hand-held quartz crystal transmitter/receiver rods

Bingo! ‘Crystals’! I win.

Trinfinity understands that you may not always have a computer nearby and so have made their software available in a handy iPhone version: Trinfinity8; Energy On-The-Go. What better way to christen my new iPhone 4, dear Cowpokes, than with this app. You know my commitment to exposing all things ridiculous is profound when I am prepared to part with my hard-earned money to bring you personal demonstrations here on The Cow. So I downloaded Trinfinity8; Energy On-The-Go from the Apple Store and set it running:

Here you see me using the Male Libido Boost program. I can assure you I was not at all aroused when I was doing this. Of course, to be fair to the Trinfinity8 instructions I should have had my two thumbs on the screen, rather than a thumb and forefinger. It’s a little difficult to take a photo while doing that, however. Personally, I think that even if I’d had a thumb and my penis on the screen the effect would have been exactly the same. ((And no, I’m not going to take a photo of that, even if I could.)) What basically happens is that a little movie of an animated fractal cycles back and forth and a droning tone plays. The drone is supposedly made up of what the Trinfinity8 website calls ‘Solfeggio sound tones’.

These pure sacred tones have been used since ancient times to awaken a natural expansion of consciousness in order to bring about transformation. In Trinfinity8, the tones act as a carrier wave to further strengthen the transmission of digital data to the cellular system.

Of course they do. Let’s do a Search™ on solfeggio tones. Crikey. It’s a Google Jackpot of WooWoo sites. Looks like Solfeggio tones are the new Schumann Waves. But it’s not just ‘music’ that comes out of your iPhone earpiece, my friends. Oh no! The Trinfinity8 iPhone app mainlines PURE MATH straight into your ears!

The algorithms are delivered through earphones sub-audibly with the music.

Sub-audibly. As in ‘you can’t hear them’. As in ‘if they weren’t there, no-one could tell’. As in ‘total utter fucking bullshit on stilts’.

Oh, really, I can’t go on. The Trinfinity8 website is such an addled and meandering mess of stupid doublespeak and woo weasel language that it’s painful. It’s particularly offensive to me, since, as some of you know, I have a great love for mathematically based image generation (which includes fractal work) and mathematics in nature. Dr Forti, the ‘brains’ behind Trinfinity8 (who you can hear babbling on and on here, if you are so inclined) has had, in effect, a ‘vision’ that told her to bring this half-baked concept to the world. As is the manner of such visions, it makes little sense to anyone who is not taking the same drugs. ((Seriously, I remember having a conversation once with a guy who was off his face on mescaline, who promoted pretty much the same idea as Dr Forti. The main difference is that he finally came down and Dr Forti is still tripping.)) Dr Forti quite predictably claims that her system has efficacy in just about any field where a subjective outcome is available: stress reduction; ‘energy’ restoration; libido improvement; skin & hair rejuvenation; slowing down the ‘signs’ of aging (WTF?); weight loss.

The Trinfinity8 site is, in fact, one of the biggest agglomerations of utter crap that I’ve seen in a very long time. Here are some choice snips from around the Trinfinty8 universe:

Trinfinity8â„¢ Energy On-The-Go uses uniquely designed geometric fractal images to amplify the algorithms. Quantum physicists are discovering that enlightenment is the charge you attract when your thought patterns get fractal.

Is that what quantum physicists are discovering! And here was I thinking that they were after the Higgs boson!

A fractal is a geometric shape that can be split into billions of parts, each of which contains an exact copy of the whole.

No dear. That’s a hologram, not a fractal. Like most everything else in your ‘theory’, you have taken a half understood idea and mushed it into another half understood idea, ending up with a completely useless factoid. If you want a proper definition of a fractal you could try: A curve or geometric figure, each part of which has the same statistical character as the whole. ((Thank you Wikipedia for your staunch support in the face of woo.)) I don’t suppose you even have the remotest clue how that is different from what you wrote.

The Science of Fractal allows phase conjugation and a unified field for waves of people.

Now you don’t even know what that means, do you?

Trinfinity8 incorporates the most sophisticated technology that sends billions of bits of information to the body to help effect positive vibrational and consciousness change that is in alignment with nature.

Wha? Have you been gargling with Special One Drop Liquid, by any chance?

Energy On-The-Go does not contain any subliminal messages or binaural beats. This application contains pure information algorithms.

Well, that’s nice to know. I certainly wouldn’t want subliminal messages working on me, ‘cos that’s, y’know, BALONEY isn’t it! As for binaural beats, well, they’re some kind of hippie bullshit too! Not like the jen-yoo-wine, rooty-tooty, honest-to-goodness fractals and crystals of Trinfinity8! ((What is this tactic? Diss other idiot ideas in promotion of your own unhinged ravings? Do people really fall for that? “Oh, I don’t hold with binaural beats – fractal brain massage is MUCH safer!”))

Digital messages are sent to help dissolve unwanted fat and cellulite.

Yeah, right. I think maybe you should re-tune them to dissolve unwanted court cases, because with claims like that, you are really asking for them.

(The) fractal resonator amplifies the energetic and mathematical codes for the most powerful remedies, rejuvenators, and body elixirs that have been digitally imbedded into Trinfinity8 to maximize the desired treatment effect.

Jesus H. Christ. Is there anything Trinfinity8 doesn’t do? Or, perhaps, a more pertinent question: is there any ridiculous pseudoscientific buzzword that isn’t used on the Trinfinity8 site? Oh. Magnets. I couldn’t find magnets. Maybe they should fix that.

Well, that’s all for now my friends. I see, though, that now I have purchased my Trinfinty8 On-The-Go for my iPhone I am entitled to Customer Support. I think I just might take advantage of that offer. That should be… enlightening…

[Travel into the FUTURE and see how I fared with my customer support!]

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A big thanks to Universal Head for bringing the Trinfinty8 madness to The Cow’s attention.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a Secret Agent. ((It was always spelled with capitals.)) Like, really, really. So much so, that when we had a career counselor come visit us in 5th class, I summoned up my best James Bond suave and went for broke and told her so.

“That’s nice dear,” she said, removing my hand from her knee. “Now, let’s have a look at these pictures of people stapling bank invoices together.”

She was probably right, I guess. In those days a career as a Secret Agent meant a lot of training and hard work (like being a composer or a filmmaker, say), but back then we didn’t have the INTERNET. Now, thanks to the wonders of technology, if one has a computer it is easy to become an instant artistic genius.

OR… a spy!

Yes dear friends, prepare to have all your Secret Agent fantasies fulfilled as I point you to the wonderful treasure trove that is to be found at China Grabber.com. China Grabber is one of those ghastly third-world internet shops intent on offloading all manner of cheap electronic junk on the world in order to quickly deplete the planet of as many resources as possible. It has cell phones and USB sticks and mp3 players and, well, anything and everything that aspires to eventually end up as vast mountains of toxic landfill.

But it also has spy gadgets. Lots and lots and lots of spy gadgets. Oh, I’m not talking about your standard run-of-the-mill pen cameras and wristwatch cameras and cigarette packet cameras – the stock-in-trade of your generic 20thC spook. They do have those, of course. But for those of us on the cutting edge of 21st Century Spydom they have awesome things like…

Tie Cam! ‘The World’s Smallest Wireless Color Pinhole Camera built-in this nice-looking Necktie.’ Yes, you too can record video everywhere you go whilst looking entirely inconspicuous like this young chap (for best incognito results the Super Amusive glasses are de rigueur).

If, like me, you thought that the tie was not so much ‘nice-looking’ as ‘Hi I’m a voyeur!’ ((C’mon. Let’s not pretend that we don’t know what most people buying these things use them for…)) then you might like to consider the less-affected Button Cam.


Dress it up, dress it down, Button Cam goes with any outfit! I would suggest avoiding the lycra, though.

If infiltrating nuclear facilities or other high-risk security zones is more your game, then this is the gadget for you:

Posing as an innocuous identity card, this little beauty will give you a whopping 4 gigabytes of video and audio recording. Now you can post up on YouTube the embarrassing footage of yourself being frogmarched out of the Playboy mansion by Mr Hefner’s henchmen. Oh, teh lulz!

For those of you who are less mobile in your spying, why not try a little Coke & dagger subterfuge?


Pop this little sucker in the fridge and get the goods on your coworkers’ annoying habit of stealing your strawberry yoghurt! Aside from gathering evidence, you’ll find out what really happens to the light when you close the door (also comes in Coke Classic for the less calorie-conscious).

Not what you’re looking for? Something with a little less taste for monsieur? Well, you can go no further than the Tyre Clock Cam:

It’s a clock! It’s a tyre! AND it’s a spy camera! w00t! The best wish for my good friend! ((You filthy rotten thieving bastard!)) Absolutely guaranteed to become completely invisible in the workshop of your shady neighbourhood mechanic (comes with complimentary girlie pinups).

I’ve been saving the best till last of course. Being a Reverend & all, I like to keep tabs on my flock and what better way than the with the sophisticated Cross Cam?

The Spy DVR Camera Cross with necklace design digital video recorder is so convenient to wear and record. This cross spy camcorder looks really fashionable as it dangles from your neck… This discrete spy video camera system can be applied to almost any situation… You are ready to make high quality video files as well as a fashion cross necklace!

Convenient and fashionable! Sweet! I’m not sure about it being applicable to ‘almost any situation’ though – it might not be all that discrete in the local mosque. But hey, totally appropriate for lamington drives, in the ‘hood or at boy scout meetings!

Goodness gracious, Faithful Cowmrades! It looks like just about anything can be a spy camera! Lawks, why even that cup of coffee sitting on your desk… yes, that one to the right there… maybe that is a spy camera! With all these sneaky devices posing as innocent everyday items, how can you be sure that you’re not being spied upon right this very minute!!!((You are looking a little tired today, if I may say.))

Why, with this China Grabber Anti-Spy Cam/Anti-Surveillance Camera Detector, of course!

A highly effective, practical device to detect spies or sleazy co-workers. A simple yet incredibly effective device that might just save your bacon, get one today and eliminate the paranoia that comes from living in today’s constant surveillance society.

A constant surveillance society proudly enabled by China Grabber.




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Thanks to Steve H for pointing me to the totally covet-worthy China Grabber, a place that surely has the dubious distinction of being the internet equivalent of the 2 Dollar Shop

It appears that, no matter how many times perpetual motion (or ‘free’ energy) machines are wheeled out, exposed and taken back in shame to the sheds where they were nailed together, there will always be another one waiting in the wings. And usually, another one that claims to use exactly the same discredited working principles of every one that’s come before it – invariably involving magnets. Here on The Cow, we’ve waited several years for those Irish spruikers over at Steorn to show us their wonderful machine, which, in the grand vision of their marketing manager, will mean that you need never put your phone on charge again. ((There’s nothing quite like thinking big.))

We’re still waiting.

In the meantime, this morning I bring you a website that offers to sell you plans to build your own free energy machine which its purveyors say will provide you with limitless free energy! It wasn’t easy for them but they…


…finally succeeded in creating a website which offers the Do-It-Yourself instructions for building such a device

God, tell me about it. Creating a website is such a fucking bitch!

Anyway, the site that they finally succeeded in creating is called Magniwork. The Magniwork logo, subtitled The Energy of Tomorrow in Your Home Today!, features, as the ‘i’ in Magniwork, an energy-efficient light globe.

Yeah, now see, the absolute irony of this is that if you have a machine that produces endless clean energy as the website claims, you don’t need to worry about energy-efficient appliances. It surely doesn’t matter. In fact, what your logo should really be offering is the kind of electrical abundance favoured by vendors of electricity at the fin de siecle ((The 19th C fin, that is.))

That’s better! The promise of SQUILLIONS of volts carelessly squandered.

OK. Tell me about how I can have my own free energy machine Magniwork! I’m eager to cast off the shackles of dirty coal and even dirtier uranium!

Using our easy-to-follow guide, you will be able create a Magnetic Power Generator which creates absolutely free energy, and doesn’t require any resource like wind or solar energy to function. The magniwork generator creates energy by itself and powers your home for free. The generator works fully off the grid. ((An ambiguously worded claim if ever I read one. Works fully off the grid? As in, it works fully powered by the grid? No? Oh, you meant it works independently of the grid! I see!)) Take a look at the following diagram to get an idea of how it works:

Whoa. That’s a little technical, so for the laypeople, let me just try and give you an easy-to-understand explanation of what’s going on.

First, the Power Source (1) feeds into the thingamabob (2). This in turn is fed to the gadget with numbers (3) and the battery (4). Of course this requires a whoosamacallit (5) to transfer back and forth between the doodah (6), the whatsit (7) and the gismo (9), with additional input from the red doohickey (8). COMPLETELY FREE ENERGY is thereby delivered to your house (10). So, did that give you an idea of how it works? Yes! That’s right, it is completely powered by FLIM-FLAM! Genius.

This method has been researched for a long time, but due to suppression of this idea from the big corporations, the plans for building a free energy generator which could change the world have never been out on the open.

Ah. The ‘big corporations’. Yes, I can see how the ‘big corporation’s would be quaking in their boots after seeing ‘the method’ laid so daringly bare in that diagram. ((The ‘big corporations are hiding it from us’ plea is a sure marker of pseudoscientific thinking. People: big corporations can be greedy and self-serving, sure. Evil, even. But one thing they are not is stupid. Any ‘big corporation’ in the world would give their metaphorical first child for this kind of technology if it worked. Think about it, Mr Free Energy Machine Inventor: a ‘big corporation’ could take your machine, make vast powerplants with it, and sell the power to consumers at ridiculously under-cutting prices, thereby doing the one thing that all ‘big corporations’ love to do most – put all the other ‘big corporations’ out of business. The assertion that they would take this idea and suppress it is nonsense of the highest order.))

The Magniwork website offers, as an endorsement of its wares, a Sky News video featuring Queensland free-energy proponents John Christie and Lou Brits, who are known in this arena for their Lutec 1000 generator, a device that has, in the manner of the Steorn ‘Orbo’, consistently failed for over a decade to live up to the hyperbole of its inventors (the failure for the Lutec 1000 to gain traction is, of course, due to the Machiavellian influence of the ‘big corporations’, rather than because of the small technicality that it doesn’t actually work).

Magniwork trots out the same misguided claims that we encounter with Messrs Christie and Brits and all ‘free’ energy technology advocates:

You can eliminate your power bill by 50% or even completely, depending on how you implement the magniwork generator.

Eliminate it by 50%? Um. I think the word ‘eliminate’ is kind of absolute. You can’t partially eliminate something. You’re probably searching for the word ‘reduce’, here. Even so, the 50% saving that Magniwork boasts involves accepting a fatal logical non-sequitur based on the concept of ‘overunity’ energy generation. As a special service to Tetherd Cow Ahead readers (and all people everywhere who like things explained in diagrams) I have created a page here that outlines, in simple terms, the logical flaw inherent in overunity. You don’t even need to understand physics to see how such a scheme must always fail.

The free energy devices have been suppressed by the corporate world because such devices, would allow people to create their own energy for free, which would ultimately shut down the big energy corporations, because people won’t need to pay anymore for electricity to fill their pockets.

It’s an intriguing image, people walking around with pockets full of electricity.

Our easy-to-follow guide will show you how to construct the Magniwork free energy generator, which will run infinitely and create free electric energy. This method has been thoroughly researched, and is currently considered as a possible mean of completely solving the energy crisis.

Only by idiots.

The magniwork free energy generator, can be efficiently used to power your home with almost zero costs on your side. Furthermore, the generator is eco-friendly and doesn’t produce any harmful byproducts.

Well, that’s probably true. Because it doesn’t produce ANYTHING.

We predict that the technology will rapidly spread, and some industry-insiders even predict that the magniwork free energy generators will be the energy in the future. These experts estimate, that by 2020 energy companies will start implementing this technology in order to create cheaper and more environment friendly energy.

OK, well I predict that in 2020 you’ll still be wheeling out the same old crap about your ‘invention’ being suppressed by the ‘big corporations’. Let’s see who’s the better predictor.

The Magniwork free energy generator is safe to use and operate. It doesn’t produce any harmful byproducts or gases, and there isn’t any hazard concerning the generator itself. Even if you have little children, they may freely walk in the close vicinity of the generator.

Although that might not be entirely safe, because they might point out that you’re violating the laws of thermodynamics and thus expose you as a nitwit.

Anyway, it goes on and on like this for a bit, with some testimonials that hold about as much credibility as a Shoo!TAG science experiment, before signing off with another convincing video about the evil plan by ‘the big companies’ to hide this amazing technology from us dumb suckers.

Hahahahaha! Dear Acowlytes! This is where the Magniwork site becomes very special and dear to my heart. The snippets of video featured in this ‘report’ are from a spoof documentary called ‘Conspiracy’ for which I wrote the music! In a fantastic metaphorical echo of the preposterousness of the overunity feedback loop, this ‘meta’ documentary, which was designed as an agglomeration of as many absurd free energy claims as we could stack together in one place (coupled with great Cold War-style black and white propaganda footage) has now come back to life as an endorsement of the the things it was sending up!

Just as overunity energy production pulls itself up with its own bootstraps, it seems that the free energy community is boosting its credentials with parodies of its own credentials! It is to laugh.

⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗∴—∴⊗

Well, that turned out rather more long-winded than I expected. What happened, you see, is that I connected a Magniwork generator to my computer, and before I knew it, I was producing unlimited free energy fuelled postings. In much the same way as the unbelievable claims of the free energy movement, they just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ….

Infinitely.

Technology We Don’t Actually Need #1

OK, so this morning I’m driving along on the freeway and a question comes into my head. It’s not the first time I’ve asked this question, but I think now is the right time for the world to ask it with me:

What the hell are parking lamps on a car for?

Ponder this – when was the last time you used your parking lamps for parking? In fact, an even more pertinent question is: how useful are parking lamps in the process of parking anyway? If I tried to park my car using the pallid gleam of its parking lamps I think I’d end up parking myself into the rear end of another car. Parking lamps are wussy and dim. In the light from the average streetlamp, they may as well not even be switched on.

Of course, this is not the reason for which most drivers think parking lamps should be used in any case. Those who are even aware of their parking lamps (other than as the temporary switch position between OFF and HEADLIGHTS) think that they’re supposed to employ them when they’re driving along on a dimly lit or rainy day. BUT, my friends, if the point of this activity is to heighten visibility, then why not use your headlights??? Parking lamps are, in this capacity, a grudgingly marginal commitment to safety. It’s like wanting to be visible, but not too visible. ((It strikes me that it’s not unlike the floatation vest you’re supposed to wear in the event of a plane crash – sure, put it on if it makes you feel better, but when you hit the water at 800+ mph, a life vest is going to be about as useful as a banana in a swordfight.)) The driver of the car who was behind me on the freeway this morning may as well have been waving a birthday candle, for all the visibility his parking lights were offering. ((Seriously. Outside, in the overcast daylight, I couldn’t actually tell if they were on or off. I only knew they were on because we had previously passed through a tunnel.))

So, racking my brains as to any conceivable explanation for the automobile parking lamp’s purpose for being, I did what all hip 21st century netizens do and turned to the Font of All Knowledge, Wikipedia. Well. The first thing that must be said is that Wikipedia’s entry for Automotive Lighting is one of the longest and most comprehensive I have ever come across. You want lights, it’s got lights. And it has more footnotes than a Tetherd Cow Ahead article about ShooTag. If you need to know stuff about car lights, this is your one stop shop. Suck on that Encyclopedia Brittanica.

It throws scant illumination, however, on the topic of parking lamps. Oh, it has several paragraphs about them, alright, but nowhere is there any persuasive explanation for any practical utility.

So, even with the vastness of the internet’s information-gathering clout at my fingertips, I can draw no other conclusion than that the car’s parking lamps are nothing more than the automotive evolutionary equivalent of a vestigial tail or an appendix. It is my view that they serve no function other than to supply the makers of light bulbs with a nice reliable income stream.

Honk if you agree.

Cow Commenter DaveD brings to my attention the latest shenanigans from the makers of Shoo!TAG, the ridiculous superstitious trinket that is supposed to keep insect pests away from your pet (and now from humans too).

Regular readers of The Cow will be familiar with my call to Energetic Solutions (the company behind Shoo!TAG) to show us the science (that they keep boasting they have) that substantiates the efficacy of their ludicrous little piece of plastic. Well, we still haven’t seen any results from the ‘European trials’ that they have bragged about in the past, ((These supposed trials were either a lie or they produced negative results that Energetic Solutions don’t want people to see. Otherwise, why not provide the data? I’m betting that the former proposition is true.)) but it appears my niggling has made them realise that no-one will take them even remotely seriously if they can’t provide some proper scientific results to back up their claims.

Only one small problem… they don’t actually understand what science is.

The Shoo!TAG site is now making the following announcement:

Texas A&M University monitors Field Trial
74% reduction in mosquito bites with shoo!TAG™!

How many of you understood this to mean that Texas A&M University had something to do with these tests? Well, it won’t surprise you, I’m sure, when I tell you that you’re wrong. How many understood it to mean there were successful, properly run scientific trials that showed some amazing results? Wrong again.

Let’s re-word the Shoo!TAG announcement in a more factually correct manner, shall we?

Poorly-constructed Shoo!TAG™ test prompts an independent observer to suggest (on Texas A&M University letterhead) that results are statistically meaningless!

Ah, yes. The actuality doesn’t sound nearly so impressive, does it? But this scenario is nothing more than we’ve come to expect from Shoo!TAG: don’t let a bit of truth get in the way of some duplicitous self-aggrandizing! What, you think that the Shoo!TAG people couldn’t possibly be that disingenuous? Hahaha! You haven’t been paying attention!

But, for the sake of science, let’s examine the Shoo!TAG experiment and the actual conclusions of Dr Rainer Fink, the independent observer who viewed the proceedings.

The full report of the Shoo!TAG trial written by Shoo!TAG CEO Carter McCrary is here. In a few sentences from the begining of the abstract we get to this:

The Purpose of this Initial Field Test is to verify the claim that the shoo!TAG® significantly reduces the number of mosquito bites to humans when worn as instructed.

Whoopsy. Oh well, he’s not a scientist I guess, so you expect that kind of thing. Did you spot it?

‘The Purpose of this Initial Field Test is to verify the claim…

Uh-uh, Mr McCrary. You’ve scuppered your scientific credibility ((OK, I know I’m being generous in allowing that these people have any scientific credibility in the first place…)) in the very first paragraph of your abstract. Science is not done like that. Scientific tests are not set up to endorse something you’ve already decided to be true. If you approach science like this, you’re already demonstrating something that real scientists go a long way to avoid: bias. I don’t suppose you have the faintest clue how this works though, so I’ll forge on to some of the more egregious problems with your trial.

The ‘Methods’ section of the abstract outlines the procedural method of the test:

The study consisted of six participants who were divided into two groups.

You what? SIX people? Surely you’re not going to tell us that you’re going to attempt to do meaningful statistical science with a group of six people? ((Divided into two groups? Can three people even be considered a group?)) Oh. You are. Right. But that’s going to be really difficult for a double-blind trial… Oh, what’s this… it’s not double-blind. OK, you can still do worthwhile science with a blind trial… Oh… lookit that. It’s not a blind trial either.

Um. OK. Do you Shootaggers know anything at all about science, other than what you’ve seen on the SyFy channel?

OK, Acowlytes, let’s take a look at some of the other howlers in this escapade. I’ll synopsize a bit, but I urge you to read the pdf of the trial yourselves in order that you might see that I, at least, am not playing fast and loose with facts.

The next thing that happened is that the test subjects, 3 of whom were wearing Shoo!TAGs, and 3 of them not, were put in separate tents with mosquitoes. Bites were counted. Then there was some baffling shuffling of tags and people in and out of tents during which time mosquitoes also apparently were free to come and go.

It must be noted that a portion of the mosquitoes in the Group 3 tent escaped during the change-out or had already bitten the participants, thus the number of available mosquitoes was estimated to be only 250 during the second set of testing – the data was corrected by an estimated x2 factor to compensate.

Hang on, surely that can’t be right. I’ll read it again. An estimated number of mosquitoes flew away, an estimated number were excluded due to satiation and an estimated factor of magnitude was added in to ‘compensate’ for these estimations? If there were worse things you could do in a science experiment, its hard to imagine them. Especially in an experiment with a subject sample size of six people. ((Humans are notoriously bad at estimating. Try to imagine, if you will, estimating the number of mosquitoes flying around in a tent… could you tell the difference between oh, a hundred and two hundred? Try five hundred and six hundred?))

Quite incredibly, the Shootaggers then go on to attempt a statistical analysis of all this spurious data.

A total of 362 bites were recorded. The mean number of bites experienced by participants with the shoo!TAG® was 18, with a standard deviation of 15.87. The mean number of bites experienced by participants without the shoo!TAG® was 67.5, with a standard deviation of 22.45. There is a significant difference between the mean number of bites of subjects with the shoo!TAG® present and those without the shoo!TAG® present. The P- Value for the two-sample unpooled t-test between the means of bites is approximately 0.00538.

Let me translate that into something that makes more sense:

Numbers; more numbers; some more numbers; some fancy statistical language that sounds impressive but means nothing in this instance; completely fanciful conclusion.

Or, in one single word: bullshit. If you know anything at all about statistical data correlation, this whole exercise is one laughable step after another. The waving around of a P-Value is completely berserk in this ridiculously small sample. If the point of this experiment is to gain scientific credibility for the effectiveness of ShooTAG, it is a piece of unparalleled buffoonery.

But we all know, of course, that the point of the experiment is nothing of the sort. The real purpose behind these farcical proceedings is to fool people who know nothing of science into thinking that science has been done.

The Shoo!TAG report goes on to fluff out the abstract by adding in all kinds of equations and tables – none of which have any real meaning given the experimental protocol – and then ends with the most entertaining bit of all: two ‘references’ that are contextually irrelevant, and three attached ‘exhibits’, the first two of which are the Shoo!TAG packaging. It is to laugh. They think this is science?

The third ‘exhibit’ is the letter from the ‘independent observer’ of the experiment, one Dr Rainer Fink, and it is here that we find the real meat in the sandwich of this whole exploit. Dr Fink appears to be a bona fide scientist. According to his credentials on the letter, he is an associate professor (of what it doesn’t say) and a ‘director’ in an engineering department of Texas A&M University. Let’s give his credentials and his independent status the benefit of the doubt – he hasn’t disgraced himself in our eyes yet. His full report, in the form of a letter on Texas A&M University letterhead, is here.

First of all, I want to point out that Dr Fink details his ‘independent’ status quite clearly at the end at the end of his letter:

I have no financial interest in and have not been promised any financial interest in Energetic Solutions LLC, or in the product Shoo!TAG. I received no payment or incentive for my participation. My motivation was purely scientific.

Of course, having no financial interest in something doesn’t guarantee you don’t have some other interest – you might want to see your pals do well in their business, for instance, or you might hold unusual beliefs of your own that you’d like to see substantiated. ((I’m not suggesting at all that this is the case for Dr Fink, just making it clear that there are many kinds of motivations other than money.)) Certainly, Dr Fink’s professed motivation of science seems quite peculiar when, in his first paragraph, he makes the same partisan mistake as Mr McCrary.

The object [of the Shoo!TAG Field Test Study] was to prove [my emphasis] Shoo!TAG’s ability to repel mosquitoes from humans…

Interesting language for a scientist. Shoo!TAG’s ability to repel mosquitoes has never, ever, been scientifically established, so, as you can see, Dr Fink is already demonstrating bias. Which is, again, quite interesting given that his #2 self-reported reason for his involvement in the proceedings is given as:

2. [To] Oversee the Field Test Study to ensure it remained unbiased such that independent results are obtained.

Well, of course, as we have seen, this ‘experiment’ fairly reeks of bias from all quarters, so Dr Fink is already on the back foot.

Dr Fink outlines the experimental progress, and several episodes are detailed that don’t appear to have made it into Mr McCrary’s relating of events. This one is particularly good:

…during the time interval between exiting from Control Group 1 and entering the tent as Control Group 3, participants were asked to use their cellular phones to attempt to dissipate any remaining frequency based interferences remaining from the time they were wearing the Shoo!TAG.

Excuse me? What? Cell phones were waved around to dissipate ‘frequencies’ that were… what… hovering in the air. Or something? As an independent scientific observer, Dr Fink is starting to look like a prize idiot. He reports this as if it was an acceptable – conventional, even – scientific procedure. ((Even if you were dumb enough to buy into the sheer daftness of these concepts, representatives from Shoo!TAG have said in their own words right here on Tetherd Cow Ahead that the ‘frequencies’ that Shoo!TAG uses have nothing to do with cell phone frequencies.))

Oh boy. A loon ‘independently’ verifying, on University stationery, the antics of other loons. I’m sure you’re getting a vivid picture here.

Dr Fink goes on to relate all manner of other things, including completely unsubstantiated personal speculations such as this:

Once the participants left the tents, mosquitoes that had either escaped through the tent opening or were physically attached to the study participants aggressively attacked all the study contributors and observers with a complete lack of interest in study participants still wearing the Shoo!TAG. Leading to a possible conclusion that the Shoo!TAG caused the mosquitoes to preferentially feed on unprotected or less protected individuals in the area before biting Shoo!TAG wearers.

Such terrible subjective observations and conclusions are no better than the vapid testimonials that Shoo!TAG has trumpeted on their web site as ‘evidence’ that the daft thing works. It is most profoundly not the language you’d expect from someone calling himself a scientist.

But probably the most damning thing about Rainer Fink’s analysis of the whole affair are his conclusions. No matter how predisposed he is toward helping the Shootaggers out, he is smart enough to know that there are some things you just can’t put on the letterhead of your employer without risking your job. After some tabling of the numbers gathered in the test, he writes:

‘…… it must be noted that the size of the study conducted was insufficient to evaluate the statistical significance of the results.’

…and, again later in the report:

… the scale of the test was insufficient to establish the efficacy of Shoo!TAG performance to be supported by statistical data analysis.’

In other words, any actual data gathered from the experiment (as questionable as it is), is, in Dr Rainer Fink’s opinion, completely useless. In fact, the only outcomes that Dr Fink consider affirmative are of the spurious subjective kind that Shoo!TAG has already promoted ad nauseum as ‘scientific’.

One must question once more, in that light, the Shoo!TAG website boast of ‘74% reduction in mosquito bites with Shoo!TAG’ and their attempt to promote statistical success in their own reading of the data. They have again, as they have done many times in the past, just pulled a completely fictitious ‘fact’ from their asses and are using it to promote their product. ((This 74% figure is remarkably close to the ‘75%’ figure that Energetic Solutions has already bandied about a year or more ago. It seems to me that they had already decided this number WELL before this experiment was carried out; a number big enough to be impressive, but not so big that it rules out the odd usual flea that someone spots on their pet.))

So, to succinctly recap the some of the numerous problems with Shoo!TAG Initial Field Test:

•The test is riddled with bias: the conductors of the test expected to see positive results before they commenced the experiment. In short, they had already made up their minds about what was going to happen – the experiment was not about gathering impartial data.

•The trial was completely unblinded: experimental blinding is specifically designed to counteract bias. A lack of blinding combined with evidence of bias (as above) are strong indications of corrupt procedure and would, by themselves, get any serious experiment kicked out on its ass.

•The subject sample size was insignificant: an experimental base of six subjects is preposterous (and we don’t even know how the subjects were chosen – my bet is that they are all friends of the experimenters)

•The ‘experimenters’ made subjective assessments in numerous areas: there was no rigorous control of most vectors of the experiment. Guesses were made of variables and then taken as fact. This is a scientific dog’s breakfast.

•The ‘experimenters’ made spurious subjective data alterations: data was altered by ‘guessing’ and making unguided assumptions. Way to screw up your dataset.

•There is NO endorsement by Texas A&M University of this trial, although that is heavily implied: Texas A&M University is not shown to be endorsing this test. The test was not carried out on the premises of Texas A&M University nor with Texas A&M University supplied protocols. It certainly does not have the imprimatur of Texas A&M University. The fact is that a person who works at Texas A&M University was called on to be an observer and provided his observations on a University letterhead.

•The scientific credentials and bias of ‘impartial’ observer are questionable: Dr Rainer Fink’s statement exhibits bias and subjectivity as well as irrational thinking.

•The scientific endorsement of the trial is equivocal: The only definite conclusion made by Dr Fink is that there isn’t enough data to make any kind of meaningful sense from the results. In any other scientific situation this would mean that the test was useless and a better experiment was required.

In Shoo!TAG’s world, though, this translates as an outstanding success worthy of trumpeting on their website.

Here on Tetherd Cow Ahead, the call for Shoo!TAG to ‘show us some science’ has been frequent and firm. The Shootaggers vocally insist, at every opportunity, that their product is based on scientific principles, and is not (as I contend) just a pseudoscientific trinket that smacks of magical thinking. Critics might say that this first Shoo!TAG ‘Field Trial’ is at least an effort by Energetic Solutions to attempt to gather some scientific data on their product. I say it’s nothing more than a publicity stunt designed with the express purpose of deceiving potential customers into believing that there is some science behind Shoo!TAG when there is none.

Setting the hopeless errors of procedure aside, the mere fact that Energetic Solutions is leading people to believe that this test has the endorsement of a university, or has produced data that shows anything at all is a testament to their world view. They don’t care whether or not their product works, they just want your money.

And they’re prepared to lie to get it.

Acowlytes! Atlas has sent me some astonishing new evidence that demonstrates beyond all reasonable doubt that Shoo!TAG actually works! Yes, yes – I realise that after all my previous skepticism on this topic this about-face will seem completely unexpected, but… you see… Oh dammit, words can’t really do the job. I’ll hand over to the following YouTube presentation to do the explaining:

So, you see, putting it in scientific terms, there’s this, like, blurry light, that, like, makes a sort of glow all around the person and, like, all around the Shoo!TAG and it’s AMAZING! And when the Shoo!TAG gets close to the person, it’s all, like, glowy and yellow and white and stuff. Freakin’ awesome! That proves that there’s auras around Shoo!TAG! And those auras prove that Shoo!TAG keeps insect pests away from your pets! OMG! If that doesn’t convince you close-minded skeptics, well, I don’t know WHAT would!

What’s that you say? Some double blind scientific trials would be more convincing? Than an aura movie? Oh, come ON! Aura movies are the bomb. Why, I have a snap here that PROVES that Tetherd Cow Ahead HQ is haunted:

Pretty definitive, right?

The Shoo!TAG aura movie comes to the world courtesy of a product called WinAura, and although that sounds like the outcome of a psychic chocolate wheel, ((I wanted to put a link to an explanation of what a chocolate wheel is, for all the non-Australians, and it seems there is no actual definition available on teh internets. That’s amazing. So, for your enlightenment, let me inform you that a chocolate wheel is a kind of spinning wheel that is common at fétes and church fairs in Australia and New Zealand. It has numbers around its face, and participants are able to buy a ticket that is attached to a number. The numbers correspond randomly to prizes. When all the tickets have been sold, the wheel is spun (sometimes once, or sometimes three times), and when it stops on a number, the owner of that ticket collects their prize. Of course, most prizes are worth less than the price of the ticket, and there are usually only one or two decent prizes.)) it is in fact a gadget that supposedly captures movies of your aura. If you are so inclined, you can visit the home of WinAura and find out all about machines that photograph your aura. Or, you could just stay here and I could save you from wasting precious minutes of your life by telling you that these shonky devices merely use coloured LEDs, software algorithms and blurred overexposure to trick very gullible people into believing that what they see has some kind of mystical explanation. For an exorbitant price, naturally. ((I defy anyone to be able to find, anywhere on the AuraPhoto site, an indication of how much you’re going to be out of pocket for one of these things. I reckon you can infer from this page that they’re not cheap.))

On the other hand, if you did go to the AuraPhoto site, you could visit the What Color Is Your Aura page and get something just as useful as the results from an Aura Camera without spending a penny. That’s what I did! Here is a picture of my aura:



According to my aura reading I have a lot of lavender in my chakras (or something). Evidently I have some in my Third Eye as well, which does help explain why I was having trouble seeing out of it. The interpretation of my results says, in part:

Others are instantly attracted to you as you sparkle and glow with a mysterious inner light. You also seem to be a magical, fairylike creature, born of another world.

You’d rather talk about miracles, magic, and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow than anything ordinary or mundane. You want to share your miraculous visions with others. The beautiful world of fantasy, art, and the imagination is where you feel safest and happiest. You create a magical environment for yourself and others in which to live.

How accurate is that?!!! I think everyone would totally agree that I truly am a sparkly glowing fairylike creature who attracts admirers like a roo light attracts Christmas beetles. And there can be no dispute whatsoever that my my magical playground, filled with fantasy and art, is nothing other than the Realm of the Tetherd Cow! (I feel I should also point out that the lavender colours go extremely well with the TCA colour scheme).

As far as I can see, though, it doesn’t matter what colour your aura is on the AuraPhoto site, it’s impossible to come away with a reading that says anything that could be construed to be negative. Such as, for instance:

You’re a duplicitous and morally compromised swindler who is quite prepared to sell rigged computer software and tweaked camera hardware to credulous nitwits in exchange for exorbitant amounts of cash.

If we had a picture of that person’s aura, I imagine there’d be a lot of Dead Salmon and Cat Breath in their chakras. And probably a pronounced squint in their Third Eye.

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