Tetherd Cow Ahead

This is a necessarily longish story for Joe about how, in spite of the fact that I don’t believe in EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomena), it up and bit me on the bum.

EVP is the term given for the discovery on previously recorded magnetic tape of strange indistinct voices that weren’t there when the original recording was made.

This phenomenon was first ‘discovered’ in 1959 by philosopher and birdwatcher Friedrich Jurgenson while he was recording bird sounds in the backyard of his Swedish house, and later brought to greater attention by Latvian author Konstantin Raudive. The voices captured in this way are sometimes referred to as ‘Raudive Voices’.

Now I should say here that both Friedrich Jurgenson and Konstantin Raudive believed that these faint voices that appeared in the etheric hiss of the magnetic tape were nothing less than the spirits of the dead attempting to make contact with us living folk from ‘the other side’. Not only that, Jurgenson and Raudive were of the mind that they could actually communicate with these spirits by asking questions and then leaving pauses in which the voices might answer.

I don’t for a moment believe that’s so, but from the first time I heard of this peculiar phenomenon many years ago I found it deeply intriguing.

I was aware that Konstantin Raudive had written a book about his encounters with the voices (he made something like 70,000 recordings, believe it or not) called Breakthrough, and I had tried for many years to find an edition of it, but that turned out to be easier said than done. Not many copies were printed and it is an obscure work that probably held little interest for most people. These days, like so many arcane works, portions of the text are available on line, but at the time of this tale that wasn’t the case. It was a very rare book. Eventually I gave up the search and more or less forgot about it.

When was developing ideas for my CD Houdini, I wanted to include a piece based on EVP. I wasn’t quite sure exactly how I was going to go about it or what I was going to do, but earlyish one Sunday morning I lay in bed thinking about Breakthrough and how great it would be if I had a copy for inspiration or possibly source material. Then a thought popped into my head with such eerie clarity that I said it out loud: “Goulds!”

This is what a Sydney bookshop guide says about Goulds:

A Sydney institution, Goulds stocks mostly secondhand books – piles and piles of them, in dusty disorganised piles spread over two stories. It also has videos, vinyl records, and magazines. There are a pair of friendly twin cats which frequent the place.

Goulds is literally five minutes walk from my house and one of my favourite places in Sydney. It seems plain idiotic to me now that I hadn’t at least tried to find Breakthrough there.

There are few things I like better on a Sunday morning than to wander through the ramshackle aisles of a secondhand bookshop, so I got up, grabbed a coffee and made my way to Goulds. If you didn’t understand it from the description above, I should say that Goulds’ book classification system is eccentric at best and insane otherwise. That’s being charitable. And it’s a huge place. Looking for a particular title in there is not a task taken on lightly, or with more than an infinitesimal hope of success.

Nevertheless, it was worth a try.

This is what happened. In real time. I walked into the ground floor entrance. I thought “Hmmm, now where would the most likely place for such a book be?” I headed up the aisle where I thought my best chance lay, picked a shelf at random, ran my hand along the first three or four books, and pulled out a copy of Breakthrough.

Really.

It cost me $7.

[To Be Continued]

As threatened, more gems from the Innovations catalogue… This one the Portable Plasmaâ„¢ trumpeted thus:

Harness the Power of Lightning

Imagine, a wireless sphere of magical plasma light you could take anywhere!

Yep, it’s something I’ve imagined often: Oh, look at the time. I’d best be off to buy some wainscotting. If only I had a wireless sphere of magical plasma light to take with me!

Portable Plasmaâ„¢ creates a dramatic display of multicoloured light under a hand-blown glass dome.

Surely that’s a mouth-blown glass dome. Or a hand-made glass dome. I’ve heard of things being overblown or fly-blown but hand-blown? What the bejeezus does that mean. These Innovations copywriters are world-class language manglers.

Fascinating to watch, the dome begs to be touched – just watch the bolts of glowing light follow your every move.

Now I’ve seen these plasma thingies, and I think it’s stretching matters just a teeny bit to call the little fluffy flickering tendrils of plasma bolts. A bolt is something that screeches from the sky like an express train on crack and splits telegraph poles in two, whilst simultaneously fracturing your eardrums with a kind of atmosphere-tearing-asunder kind of sound. These little wimpy finger tickling lighting effects are not bolts. There’s a word for that kind of exaggeration. It’s called bullshit.

And while we’re on the topic of exaggeration, is it a bit much to be claiming that with this gadget you’ll be able to harness the power of lightning. I mean this implies, surely, that you’re going to be able to get the awesome power of genuine lightning and do something with it, like strike down the febrile moron with the leaf-blower who lives across the road into a charred smoking mass of barbecue fuel.

Great for parties or gatherings or use it on any shelf as a mesmerising display.

Oh man, I’m really bummed that I don’t get invited to those kinds of parties.

“Hey Daddyo, this new Portable Plasmaâ„¢ is a gas! That Singing Troutâ„¢ that Maynard had at his clambake last week is so squaresville when you put it next to this!”

I also like to imagine the kind of gatherings it might be great for. I bet they involve robes and goat’s blood. Or even more unsettlingly: Tupperware.

Requires 4 “AA” batteries (not included).

And surely, after all the hyperbole, this is where the reality-check kicks in; we’re expected to believe that 4 AA batteries are going to give us the juice to harness the power of lightning.

Excuse my skepticism. Next they’ll be trying to tell us that a Lava Lamp contains real lava.

Well, my birthday is nigh and Nurse Myra certainly knows the way to a young blogger’s heart. Yesterday she gave me a copy of the Innovations Christmas Catalogue. I am not entirely sure if it is my present, or if I am supposed to choose my present from the vast possibilities contained therein. It’s a win/win situation. It’s going to keep me supplied with blogging material for months. Crikey, where do I start? Maybe here:

This object doesn’t actually have a name (missed opportunity, or what!) but this is what the catologue promises:

Feel your tension drift away – total relaxation at your bedside!

Let the sounds of nature soothe you to sleep or aid your meditation. This beautiful relaxation centre reproduces 8 realistic sounds including a running stream, rainforest and songbird. It casts a beautiful, changing light through the crystal ball, and you can use it with aromatherapy beads (supplied). Measuring 21 x 15 x 15 cm with a 10cm glass sphere, it is powered by a mains adaptor (included). The sound and light will turn off automatically, so it’s perfect for bed time.

Man, I want this relaxation centre so badly. It’s a work of genius: light, sound and smell all in one neat unit.

Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There’s Ocean Waves – imagine: the warm light of sun through your closed eyelids, the soothing sound of the surf and the scent – courtesy of the aromatherapy beads (supplied) – of the salty spray from the sea. Or Rainforest: dappled sunlight through the leaves, the smell of damp warm leaf mulch and the sound of monkeys screeching in the canopy high above. Or the enigmatically suggested Rural Sounds: the flickering light of flame from an autumn bonfire, the restful tones of tractors and hay-bailing machines with occasional pig squeals, and the nostalgic aroma of cow manure and superphosphate. And we shouldn’t forget Summer Nights: the strobing of police lights in the street outside, the distant doof-doof-doof of the house down the road where all the teenagers live and the cheap perfume from the hooker who’s set up shop in front of your house.

Genius, I tell you.

And the Innovations people have helpfully added advice for any unimaginative browser who might think “What the hell would I do with one of those?”: Give it to someone as a gift! Now there’s something you’d never have thought up yourself!

You guys just wait till you see the leopard-print toilet seat.

an·a·glyph: n:

A moving or still picture consisting of two slightly different perspectives of the same subject in contrasting colors that are superimposed on each other, producing a three-dimensional effect when viewed through two correspondingly colored filters.

Don’t look for anything deep in it. I just like the 3D version of Creature from the Black Lagoon.

I really like codes and ciphers and hidden messages.

Some interesting things I have learnt over the last few days:

☆ How to make Vietnamese coffee…[Link]

☆ That Sarah Bernhardt, the famous fin de siecle actress, was an amputee… [Link]

☆ That the Tango is an electric car that can travel at 100mph, looks like a Smart Car caught in a sandwich toaster and costs US$84,000.00… [Link]

☆ How to start a Flame War (thanks Anne)… [Link]

☆ How to make fancy stars in html…

I promise to use this knowledge for Good and not Evil.