A Tree Grows in...


According to Russian newspaper Komsomolskaya Gazeta, doctors operating on a 28 year-old Artyom Sidorkin for diagnosed lung cancer were astonished to find, instead of the expected tumour, a living fir tree. Mr Sidorkin had been experiencing strong pain and coughing up blood, and xrays showed a growth consistent with a lung cancer diagnosis. The tree was successfully removed.

They have now sent the patient home, advising him not to smoke through the summer months due to a further possible risk of forest fires.

Story here.

Mozzie

Folks! I’ve had a communication from one of the purveyors of ShooTag™ which, I think you’ll agree needs to be awarded headline status, rather than languish in the Comments on this post.

Melissa Rogers, the person credited as CEO of ShooTag™ on the About page on the ShooTag™ site, has found her way to The Cow (whilst vanity-searching her product, we must assume). Well, of course, I said things she didn’t like so she found time to mount her best and most coherent argument against my point of view.

I reprint her thoughts for you here in full.

Melissa Rogers adds:

Your response proves that you are not disaplined in physics or quantum physics. The statements that you made about frequencies being the same as a cell phone demonstrate you lack of science knowledge. There are many types of frequencies and ours are not radio frequencies. When we go from patent pending to full patent protection, then all of our sceince (all three applications) will be disclosed. Instead of making a judgement without knowledge, try it. Actually, try the people mosquito tag. If you usually get bitten by mosquitoes, you will know if you do not get mosquito bites -won’t you? If would give you more credibility to have a quantum physicist contact us and then let him explain the science to you. Otherwise it just makes you sound ignorant! Technology is changing very quickly and most people have no science background to understand how any of it works. Did you know that radios were first made with crystals? did you know that digital items are made with liquid crystals? Did you know that cell phones use fractal geometry to make a minute antenna that uses your energy field to extend? Do your homework and try the people mosquito tag. See for yourself.

Now, let’s see:

•Your response proves that you are not disaplined in physics or quantum physics.

Melissa, unlike you, I’m not pretending I am disciplined in physics or quantum physics in any formal way. I’m not the one trying to take money from people based on my ‘expertise’ and so my credentials are not the ones under scrutiny. Nevertheless, I am very well read in both physics and quantum physics, and I plainly know a great deal more about these sciences than you do. I certainly know enough to understand that your page on The Science Behind ShooTag™ is a whole lot of waffle that makes no scientific sense whatsoever.

•The statements that you made about frequencies being the same as a cell phone demonstrate you lack of science knowledge.

Whoa! Hang on there pardner! For a start, it’s your site that bandies around the the words ‘electromagnetic frequencies’ without any discrimination at all. I am completely aware of the scope of the electromagnetic spectrum and my point was that you use this catch-all description without having the vaguest idea of what it means. I don’t know whether or not your frequencies are the same as those of a cell phone because you never specify. You just claim, in the scatty manner of peddlers of pseudoscience, that your product ‘uses electromagnetic frequencies’. That’s as daft as saying it uses ‘vibrations’.

•There are many types of frequencies and ours are not radio frequencies.

Really? So you think mobile phones use radio frequencies then? Um, exactly who’s the science dummy here? So, the frequencies that your device uses – they’re ultraviolet, maybe? X-ray? Gamma ray? Perhaps they operate in the visible light spectrum? You haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, have you?

And, may I ask, does your device have a power source? From my investigation of your site it doesn’t seem so. If this is the case, then please don’t attempt to sell me the idea that it ‘radiates frequencies’ of any kind at all. This would be flying in the face of all known physics. Unless of course it’s radioactive, and I think I’m taking a pretty safe punt that it’s not.

•When we go from patent pending to full patent protection, then all of our sceince (all three applications) will be disclosed.

Yeah, now, see, you claim your patent is pending, and if that is even the case (which I doubt), it would be because it hasn’t been awarded. We can discuss this further if you actually ever get a patent.

•If would give you more credibility to have a quantum physicist contact us and then let him explain the science to you.

Oh, I would LOVE to hear an explanation from a quantum physicist. PLEASE get one to write to me. But don’t bother if it’s Prof. William Nelson – he is NOT a quantum physicist.

•Technology is changing very quickly and most people have no science background to understand how any of it works.

Yes, I’m afraid that is entirely true. Most people have very little understanding of science. If they did, gewgaws such as ShooTag™ would never see the light of day. Melissa, what your product offers is in no way based on science. If it was, you’d be able to clearly communicate the ideas behind your device in a way that doesn’t sound completely addled to anyone with knowledge of scientific principles. You’d have conducted properly run double blind experiments, and accumulated data that confirms your results from unbiased researchers. You’d have submitted your science to peer-reviewed periodicals, and have the endorsement of real scientists instead of a lone nutcase who has a track record of ridiculous claims and refers to fictional publications (the ‘Quantum Agriculture Journal’, for example).

•Otherwise it just makes you sound ignorant!

Really? You seem strangely desperate to try and make me seem ignorant. That’s what’s called an ad hominem argument, and is usually the last resort of someone who has run out of actual facts.

•Did you know that radios were first made with crystals? did you know that digital items are made with liquid crystals?

Um, yeah, but so what? Is that supposed to impress me? Is it an example of your superior science knowledge, perhaps? What’s it got to do with anything? How does it relate to your invention?

Oh crap. Something just occurred to me – please don’t tell me that the ShooTag™ uses some kind of ‘crystals’. That would be most dismal. Or actually, do tell me that, if you like! I think that would firmly stake your credibility in this argument.

•Did you know that cell phones use fractal geometry to make a minute antenna that uses your energy field to extend?

Now, do you even have the foggiest idea what that means? Do you know, or understand any fractal geometry? What ‘energy field’ are you talking about? Extend what? How? Why?

Or is it, perhaps, that like the words ‘magnetic’ and ‘quantum’, you’re throwing in ‘fractal’ because, for you, it’s some kind of mysterious magical notion that you believe will somehow be impressive? Well, sadly, it might bluff those who know nothing about such things, but really, you’ve picked the wrong person on whom to use that kind of language. I work with fractal math. I know what it does and what it means. What you are attempting to say does not in any way sound sensible to me.

•Do your homework and try the people mosquito tag. See for yourself.

I shouldn’t need to try your product to know that it’s plausible, in the same way that I shouldn’t need to buy, oh, toaster or something to ‘see if it works’ – I know that the toaster is likely to function as its manufacturer claims because the scientific principles on which it’s based make sense.

You imply that you know more about science than I do, and yet you don’t even have the most basic understanding of scientific process. I’m not the one you need to convince. Convince people who have no vested interest in your product (that is, NOT people who’ve forked over money, or friends, or credulous tv presenters). Convince unbiased scientists, using properly conducted scientific trials. Take all the spurious anecdotal ‘evidence’ off your website and replace it with some properly endorsed rational thinking.

I reiterate what I said in my original post – if your science is genuine, and your device does what you claim, then doctors working in malaria zones all over the world will be beating your door down. That would certainly be convincing evidence.

But while you continue to invoke dubious ‘scientists’ like ‘Professor’ William Nelson, mythical gazettes like the ‘Quantum Agriculture Journal’ and spout equivocal gibberish such as that which you use in ‘The Science Behind ShooTag™’, your credibility is near zero. Your small pool of personal ‘It-worked-for-me-TOO!’ testimonials may serve to fleece gullible pet owners of their dollars, but it doesn’t constitute any kind of science.

Come back and push my face it in when you’ve solved the world’s malaria problems (which, if your device works as claimed, should be a trivial undertaking and be achievable in a scant year or so – or maybe you don’t think that’s a worthwhile use for your invention?). I promise I will make a full and humble apology in that event.

Until then, all you have to do is show me where the science is in all your claims.

I haven’t heard much from Peter Popoff for a few months, but this week (perhaps fearing that the Easter Bunny might steal his thunder) Prophet Pete has showered me with some very imaginative gifts indeed.

Popoff Audit Letter

Yes, this exciting ‘audit controlled package’ was full to the brim with Popoff Fun. First of all, with this latest epistle, he’s delivered me some ACTUAL MONEY! Yes, that’s right folks, you read correctly. Peter Popoff sent me money!

Popoff Audit Letter


Well, OK, so it’s only two pennies, but on balance, Peter Popoff has given me money, and I haven’t given him anything (well, except for some nard, maybe, but I already had that to hand). Prophet Pete also pretended to give me a much larger amount of money…

Popoff Ten Grand


…but even a foreigner like me is not going to fall for that one. Aside from the fact that Ulysses S. Grant already appears on the US $50 bill, this supposed Ten Thousand Dollar Drinking Voucher is approximately twice the size it should be, and shiny. Nevertheless, I will be attempting to put it to good use, as you will see in a forthcoming edition of The Cow.

Diving back into the awesome lucky dip of Easter goodies I uncovered a BLOOD RED BRACELET

Popoff Red Wool


…or, what we have come to know on my planet as ‘a piece of red wool’. I am supposed to tie this around my wrist and do something or other (I’ve just stopped reading the instructions on these damn things – they are so brainless it’s like reading, oh, the Bible or Scientology literature or something).

OK. Moving on. Next we have a small plastic sachet containing a communion wafer and what looks (and smells) like strawberry jelly crystals.

Popoff Wafer


Now, what happens with these…? Dissolve powder… blood of Christ… body of Christ… receive these symbols… the usual Christian hocus pocus, rendered even more ludicrous in light of the fact that we’re dealing with STRAWBERRY SYRUP!

Popoff Jug of Blood


I’m beginning to think that Peter Popoff is actually doing the world a favour by illuminating the absurdity of Christian thinking. No wonder Christians try very hard to distance themselves from him – it’s all a bit close for comfort.

Now, you might think I’d be grateful getting such a swag of presents for Easter. But I’m not! I’m starting to think Prophet Pete is holding out on me. That maybe I’m not quite as ‘special’ as he’d have me believe. You will remember that Prophet Pete has already welched on his deal to send me Dead Sea Salt – well, in this latest offering he says:

Popoff Mustard Seeds & Mirrrors


No, Prophet Pete! I don’t remember getting the mustard seeds and the mirrors. And I’m a bit put out! I don’t feel I can possibly carry out your instructions when I’m not in possession of all the ingredients that I might need to conduct your spells prayers!

Still. The one remaining item in the letter almost makes up for it:

Popoff Jesus Dirt


What you’re looking at here Cowpokes, in case it’s not as immediately obvious as it was to me, is DIRT FROM THE TOMB OF JESUS. Or, as Prophet Pete has it: ‘Earth from near the tomb of Jesus’. This obviously leaves some room for interpretation as to what ‘near’ actually encompasses. I’m thinking that in this case, ‘near’ may possibly be a brick quarry in inner city Sydney.*

I’m supposed to send the Jesus Dirt back to Peter Popoff so that he can ‘dip it in the Sea of Galilee’. Along with cash, unsurprisingly. I’m not sure if he intends to dip the cash in the Sea of Galilee, but with Prophet Pete, anything is possible.

Stay tuned Acowlytes. I think it’s time I wrote back to Prophet Peter Popoff and perhaps made a $10,000 dollar donation to his ministry!

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*Well, if you are talking in galactic scales, that’s pretty near!

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VERY Premium

2 C. tomato juice
1 C. chopped spinach
½ C. chopped celery
1 small chopped cabbage leaf

Place all ingredients in Vitamizer and Vitamize for 45 seconds. This drink when taken regularly is considered by doctors to be an excellent corrective for the system.

Tomato Girl

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*From the Semak Vitamizer Recipe Book

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Vitamizer

Whilst browsing at a famous Melbourne market a little while back, Violet Towne made the astute purchase of this Semak Vitamizer recipe book from the 1950s. The cover illustration of a young woman pouring milk into a jug full of orange and carrot juice only hints at the wonders inside…

After some technical explanation of how the Vitamizer actually works (‘The four little blades, which resemble a ship’s propellor, are sharpened and set in such a manner that, when they revolve at 18,000 revolutions per minute, they set up a violent flow or current surging through the contents of the container…’) a photographic spread introduces you to the kinds of treats you might be able to conjure up, now that you’ve purchased your Semak Vitamizer.

Vitamizer

Truly, with the Semak, the world is your oyster puree!

Well, I know you want to get started, so let’s have a look at some of the ‘lovely Vitamizer dishes illustrated on this page’. The first offering is a serving of something so redolent of ten-day-old wallpaper-paste residue that it had to be garnished with parsley in order to have any chance at all of resembling food:

Vitamizer

Yes, I know, a valiant attempt, but still mysteriously unappetizing. Ooh, and what’s this? Some crackers smeared with faeces and topped with leaves:

Vitamizer

I know your mouths are watering at the very thought of walking up to the canapé table to be greeted with such a festive presentation! Am I right? Well the delights are only beginning. Next on the menu, that staple of 1950s cuisine, Sewage Loaf…

Vitamizer

…again embellished with a jaunty sprig of parsley in order to differentiate it from a hastily made mud brick. Of course, if you’re making things out of poo, there’s no real need to vitamize anything at all – just crumb the turds directly and arrange on lettuce…

Vitamizer

… with parsley, it goes without saying. It keeps the breath fresh.

Moving on, a puzzling dish of custard and… er… small squares of toast? Sewage Loaf? Linoleum?

Vitamizer

There’s no parsley, so maybe I’m on the wrong track and it’s not food at all. Home-made aquarium sealant, perhaps. Or a science experiment.

And don’t forget – if you run out of ideas on a food photo-shoot (especially if all the food looks like crap), you can always open some tinned spaghetti and pour that into one of the bowls. No-one will notice.

Vitamizer

If you make it past this introductory page, some of the non-illustrated recipes that the Semak Vitamizer book goes on to offer (for which, thankfully, you have to summon up appropriate images in your mind’s-eye) include ‘Prune Satin’, ‘Date Milk Shake’ and ‘Tomato Corrective’. There is also ‘Fruit Mould’ and, for the very brave, ‘Mock* Pate de Foie Gras’ (really, don’t ask – suffice to say it includes a sprig of parsley).

And so we close our Semak Vitamizer recipe book for now. Just remember:

Vitamizer

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*The ’50s was truly the decade of ‘mock’. When we were kids, my mum used to make us ‘mock fish’. It was actually just potato cakes or latkes. For some reason, for many years until I was set straight, I thought we were eating ‘mop’ fish. I maintain until this day that the things on the plate had more in common with mops than they did with fish.

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