I haven’t heard much from Peter Popoff for a few months, but this week (perhaps fearing that the Easter Bunny might steal his thunder) Prophet Pete has showered me with some very imaginative gifts indeed.

Popoff Audit Letter

Yes, this exciting ‘audit controlled package’ was full to the brim with Popoff Fun. First of all, with this latest epistle, he’s delivered me some ACTUAL MONEY! Yes, that’s right folks, you read correctly. Peter Popoff sent me money!

Popoff Audit Letter

Well, OK, so it’s only two pennies, but on balance, Peter Popoff has given me money, and I haven’t given him anything (well, except for some nard, maybe, but I already had that to hand). Prophet Pete also pretended to give me a much larger amount of money…

Popoff Ten Grand

…but even a foreigner like me is not going to fall for that one. Aside from the fact that Ulysses S. Grant already appears on the US $50 bill, this supposed Ten Thousand Dollar Drinking Voucher is approximately twice the size it should be, and shiny. Nevertheless, I will be attempting to put it to good use, as you will see in a forthcoming edition of The Cow.

Diving back into the awesome lucky dip of Easter goodies I uncovered a BLOOD RED BRACELET

Popoff Red Wool

…or, what we have come to know on my planet as ‘a piece of red wool’. I am supposed to tie this around my wrist and do something or other (I’ve just stopped reading the instructions on these damn things – they are so brainless it’s like reading, oh, the Bible or Scientology literature or something).

OK. Moving on. Next we have a small plastic sachet containing a communion wafer and what looks (and smells) like strawberry jelly crystals.

Popoff Wafer

Now, what happens with these…? Dissolve powder… blood of Christ… body of Christ… receive these symbols… the usual Christian hocus pocus, rendered even more ludicrous in light of the fact that we’re dealing with STRAWBERRY SYRUP!

Popoff Jug of Blood

I’m beginning to think that Peter Popoff is actually doing the world a favour by illuminating the absurdity of Christian thinking. No wonder Christians try very hard to distance themselves from him – it’s all a bit close for comfort.

Now, you might think I’d be grateful getting such a swag of presents for Easter. But I’m not! I’m starting to think Prophet Pete is holding out on me. That maybe I’m not quite as ‘special’ as he’d have me believe. You will remember that Prophet Pete has already welched on his deal to send me Dead Sea Salt – well, in this latest offering he says:

Popoff Mustard Seeds & Mirrrors

No, Prophet Pete! I don’t remember getting the mustard seeds and the mirrors. And I’m a bit put out! I don’t feel I can possibly carry out your instructions when I’m not in possession of all the ingredients that I might need to conduct your spells prayers!

Still. The one remaining item in the letter almost makes up for it:

Popoff Jesus Dirt

What you’re looking at here Cowpokes, in case it’s not as immediately obvious as it was to me, is DIRT FROM THE TOMB OF JESUS. Or, as Prophet Pete has it: ‘Earth from near the tomb of Jesus’. This obviously leaves some room for interpretation as to what ‘near’ actually encompasses. I’m thinking that in this case, ‘near’ may possibly be a brick quarry in inner city Sydney.*

I’m supposed to send the Jesus Dirt back to Peter Popoff so that he can ‘dip it in the Sea of Galilee’. Along with cash, unsurprisingly. I’m not sure if he intends to dip the cash in the Sea of Galilee, but with Prophet Pete, anything is possible.

Stay tuned Acowlytes. I think it’s time I wrote back to Prophet Peter Popoff and perhaps made a $10,000 dollar donation to his ministry!


*Well, if you are talking in galactic scales, that’s pretty near!