For your consideration, today a scent map of my tiny house. From front to back:

My bedroom smells of l’Occitane Pepper Rose. It is one of the best incenses I have ever found. It’s a dense dusky rose with smoky peppery undertones that stop it from being cloying. The scent lasts very well and if I burn it in the morning, it tones down through the day into a slightly musky pleasantly dusty after-image. To my immense disappointment, l’Occitane have discontinued it. I have about twenty five cones left.

My study smells very strongly of cardboard from the big piles of boxes that almost completely fill it up. They are the boxes that contain all the stuff I have removed from The Treehouse. Cardboard is an amazing smell. You’ve probably never thought about it, but if you were to close your eyes and I put some under your nose, you could recognize it instantly. Isn’t it incredible that something so bland as cardboard should have its own unique and powerfully nostalgic smell?

My loungeroom has a complex scent that is a combination of a hint of dust, of carboard from the study and cinnamon from a jar of Atomic Fireballs next to the tv. It is a comforting and restful smell. The Atomic Fireballs were given to me as a present by Mike Axxin and Bruce Lacey, the dialogue editors I worked with on The Ring. That was a few years back. It was a couple of pounds of candy. I don’t eat much candy, so it’s lucky it doesn’t go off in a hurry. I figure with that much sugar and the level of scorch in the cinnamon in those things, they may last for millennia. The scent of them is still so strong that if I take the lid off the jar, I can smell them for hours.

My dining room and kitchen smell, at the moment, of basil and garlic since I am just about to make some bruschetta for dinner. A little while ago the dominant aroma was curry spices from last night’s chicken curry. I didn’t grind my own spices, although I sometimes do since, as well as the other advantages of doing so, the smell is just incredible.

My bathroom smells of lavender hand soap and faintly of wet towels. Nothing is very dry, because it is raining outside.

My tiny backyard smells of rain on wet stone, and of murraya, faintly at the moment because the first few flowers are just starting, but as the summer draws on, it will become overpowering almost to the point of intoxicating. It is a smell that has an almost corporeal weight. The combination of wet stone and the murraya is astonishing. I reckon that if I could bottle it, I would be a millionaire.

As we age, the first sense most of us lose is that of smell. I’m trying to take as much notice of mine as I can while I’ve still got it.

For the sense of smell, almost more than any other, has the power to recall memories and it is a pity that you use it so little ~ Rachel Carson

Mr David Byrne is still not accepting comments on his blog. I thought I’d just post an update every now and then so we can monitor how long it is before he eventually gets it.

This is a Tetherd Cow Ahead Blogging Service Announcement

Well, my birthday is nigh and Nurse Myra certainly knows the way to a young blogger’s heart. Yesterday she gave me a copy of the Innovations Christmas Catalogue. I am not entirely sure if it is my present, or if I am supposed to choose my present from the vast possibilities contained therein. It’s a win/win situation. It’s going to keep me supplied with blogging material for months. Crikey, where do I start? Maybe here:

This object doesn’t actually have a name (missed opportunity, or what!) but this is what the catologue promises:

Feel your tension drift away – total relaxation at your bedside!

Let the sounds of nature soothe you to sleep or aid your meditation. This beautiful relaxation centre reproduces 8 realistic sounds including a running stream, rainforest and songbird. It casts a beautiful, changing light through the crystal ball, and you can use it with aromatherapy beads (supplied). Measuring 21 x 15 x 15 cm with a 10cm glass sphere, it is powered by a mains adaptor (included). The sound and light will turn off automatically, so it’s perfect for bed time.

Man, I want this relaxation centre so badly. It’s a work of genius: light, sound and smell all in one neat unit.

Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There’s Ocean Waves – imagine: the warm light of sun through your closed eyelids, the soothing sound of the surf and the scent – courtesy of the aromatherapy beads (supplied) – of the salty spray from the sea. Or Rainforest: dappled sunlight through the leaves, the smell of damp warm leaf mulch and the sound of monkeys screeching in the canopy high above. Or the enigmatically suggested Rural Sounds: the flickering light of flame from an autumn bonfire, the restful tones of tractors and hay-bailing machines with occasional pig squeals, and the nostalgic aroma of cow manure and superphosphate. And we shouldn’t forget Summer Nights: the strobing of police lights in the street outside, the distant doof-doof-doof of the house down the road where all the teenagers live and the cheap perfume from the hooker who’s set up shop in front of your house.

Genius, I tell you.

And the Innovations people have helpfully added advice for any unimaginative browser who might think “What the hell would I do with one of those?”: Give it to someone as a gift! Now there’s something you’d never have thought up yourself!

You guys just wait till you see the leopard-print toilet seat.

Spam Observations #15

Barrister Kelvin Bello (Esq) sent me details of how I might collect $US7 million dollars for doing him a trifling favour. It was addressed thus:

From: dr_bello_11@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: HOW ARE YOU TOADY

Hmmm. Should I take offense at his manners, when there is such a substantial sum in the offing?

Organic water? Huh? My brain hurts. What do they mean? Why are they torturing the language so? In the proper scientific sense of the word, water is profoundly not organic since it contains no carbon compounds.

The only way it could be considered to be organic, would be if it contained carbon-based life-forms. That is, things floating in it…

I think I’ll go have a beer.

[Thanks Sarah]

Spam Observations #14

Helga wrote to me today to say:*

You’ll be surprized the number of confused girls looking for adventurous people! 0! have some fun now!

Helga seems to be telling me that the number of confused girls looking for adventurous people is zero! She is obviously aware of my penchant for statistics and numbers, but I’m not exactly sure why she thinks this in particular will be of interest to me, and further, how I could have fun with this information.

Leaving Helga’s obvious lack of mathematical acumen aside, one is left with the image of confused girls in Himalayan bars making eyes at visitors over the fermented yak’s milk:

“Hey big boy. That’s a pretty nice caribiner you’ve got there – can I touch it? I bet you could show a girl the ropes. You look like a mountain man – I bet you like… oh! This isn’t The Stoned Crow! How did I get here? Who are you? What is this with the disgusting Vodka and Rancid Yoghurt?”

*The spam in this series is quoted verbatim. As bizarre as each is.

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