Excellent! A new magical potion has appeared on the supermarket shelves. Harry Potter eat yer heart out! This particular version is called ‘Nutrient Water’ and their marketing department has been pulling out all the stops with this one. Here’s what you get if you choose the ‘D-Stress’ flavour:

Remember what it was like to be a kid? One hour for finger painting, two hours for hide-n-seek, naps in the morning, naps in the afternoon, naps in general. Life as a grown up of course is a little more complex. Play-time is now work time, home-time is over-time and free-time is pushed-for-time. That’s why we’ve packed D-Stress with Vitmain D and L-Tyrosine to help bring you back, get a grip and put it all in perspective. Think of it as a step back in time. Just without the hand-me-downs and times tables.

What kind of whacked, off-his/her-face imbecile wrote that heap of crap? So you drink this stuff and it will help you get a grip and put everything into perspective? Then I don’t think the copywriter even opened the bottle. He needs about another fifty gallons by my reckoning. But as laughable as all that is, you have to go for the ingredient list for the full guffaw:

Ingredients (nature approved) – deionised water, crystalline fructose, food acid, natural blackberry goji flavour, etc etc

That little snippet has got to be the biggest gob of codswallop that I’ve heard in years. Nature approved? What the fuck? How did ‘nature’ approve it? Just by it existing? My brain is making pinging noises. And then we have ‘deionised’ water. Let me ask you, dear Cowpokes: do you have any reason at all to suppose water is any better without ions? (What they mean is simply that the water has been filtered, but oh no, they can’t just call it ‘filtered water’ – who’d buy something like that?). And of course ‘crystalline fructose’ is just a form of corn syrup. They could have said ‘ultra sweet sugar’ but that sounds a little too much like a step back in time… And I really don’t even want to go into the whole stupid goji thing.1

I was interested in why they might stick L-tyrosine in this product though, so I did a little bit of research.2 L-tyrosine is an amino acid, and one of the building blocks of neurotransmitters. Most people get all they need from their diet, and you have to be pretty unhealthy to have a deficit of the stuff.3 Not only that, you shouldn’t have too much of it, and several websites about nutritional supplements that I found have this kind of thing to say:

If you do not have any need to, you should not take L-tyrosine as supplements without consulting your doctor.

I figure that if they printed something like that on the label it would cause you to get a much better grip than all that other crud.

Still, at least this water has some active ingredients, even if they do have the potential to screw up your brain chemistry. Unlike some other waters we have visited.

  1. Goji berries are the new wheatgrass. They’re supposed to cure everything from depression to cancer. A clinical study done in May 2008 and published by the peer-reviewed Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine indicated that parametric data, including body weight, did not show significant differences between subjects receiving Lycium barbarum berry (goji) juice and subjects receiving the placebo; the study concluded that ‘subjective (my italics) measures of health were improved’ and suggested further research in humans was necessary. That was all I could find of any value. That’s the BEST they’ve got. Paraphrasing – if you imagine hard enough, maybe you’ll feel better. []
  2. This is so easy to do now, that my mind just explodes with frustration – why don’t people check this stuff out? []
  3. It’s in so many foods that it would be hard to avoid, in fact. You can even get it from an average McDonald’s meal. []