Tetherd Cow Ahead

A terribly tragic event happened in South Eastern Australia yesterday when a semi-trailer collided with a fast moving country train at a rail crossing. Many people were killed and many more hurt.

The news services have been running stories on it all day, and a nutty phenomenon is emerging: witnesses and other associated persons-of-involvement, when describing the scene of the disaster, are prone to blurt out the phrase “It was like a bomb had gone off!”

How many of these observers, I wonder, have actually seen the results of a bomb going off? Why are they using this comparison? Why, indeed, are they using any comparison at all? Surely, for the majority of these people it is most like a train colliding with a truck.

Thank you Cowerati for your wonderful submissions for ideas for Classic works of literature suitably reduced in scale for publication as Nano Editions, a la Teeny Ted from Turnip Town.

I can tell you that judging a winner was a tough call from so many chuckle-worthy entries. In the end I just had to go with my initial instincts and give the prize to the suggestion that most surprised and delighted me on first reading.

First, some Honourable Mentions:

Phoebe Fay got a chuckle with The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Neighbourhood, as did Casey with Slaughterhouse .5. Chickie definitely got a laugh with The Okay Earth, and Joey also raised a guffaw with … (his abbreviated version of Waiting for Godot)

Pil continued to completely confuse me with a book that Adolf Hitler almost certainly never even thought of writing, Mein Achselhöhle (about his armpit…?), and HughT almost pipped the winner at the post with his wonderful The Life of Pi to Four Decimal Places.

In the end, I had to go with the suggestion that I thought most succinctly summed up the spirit of the Nano Publication (ie, a Classic with essence suitably distilled for sub-miniature reproduction), combined with the most outrageous pun. It was, of course, Radiocative Jam‘s Less Miserables.

Jam, the trophy is yours. Salut, and well done. An appropriate prize is winging its way across the Pacific.

In a sterling attempt to redefine the concept of light reading, Robert Chaplin at the Nano Imaging Facility of Simon Fraser University recently created the smallest book in the world by using a using a focused-gallium-ion beam to ‘carve’ the letters of a story in silicon at a resolution of 40 nanometers*. The tale Mr Chaplin chose for this escapade is written by Malcom Douglas Chaplin who I guess we can presume to be related. It concerns ‘Teeny Ted from Turnip Town’ and his successful entry in the local Turnip contest. You can read all about Teeny Ted’s exploits with the aid of your handy electron microscope and still have time to apply another coat of Powdery Mist to the wainscotting before tea.

Robert even has a blog where you can read more about his creation and congratulate him personally (I love the web!).

Anyway, this whole episode prompted me to thinking that Teeny Ted is just the foot-in-the-door for the new shelfspace-saving Nano Book phenomenon that is certainly upon us. Obviously, a great place to start would be re-releasing the Classics in Teensy Tiny form. Of course their content would need to be diminished in some way to be more in keeping with the format.

It will not surprise you to learn that I have a few suggestions…

•A Tale of One City

•Lesser Expectations

•20 Leagues Under the Sea

•Gone with the Breeze

•Disagreement of the Worlds

•A Clockwork Cumquat

•Even Littler Women

•The Insignificant Gatsby

•The Old Man and the Condensation

I daresay my faithful readers will have more…

Special Cow Announcement: Moo! Oh, sorry, I mean: Owing to the high calibre of suggestions so far for Condensed Version Classics to be etched at nano scale, I have decided to award a prize to the entry that makes me laugh the most. It will be a proper prize mailed out in the actual Real World Snail Mail.

Judge’s (ie my) decision will be final and no correspondence will be entered into. I’ve always wanted to be able to say that. I’ve also always wanted to say Damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead!! but so far no proper opportunity has presented itself. Maybe somewhere in the next year’s worth of posts…

Yesterday, when discussing greenhouse gas emissions targets with the State Premiers, [tippy title=”¹”]It is a curious situation here in Australia, that while the Federal Government is Right Wing Conservative, all the States are under Left Wing Progressive governance. Apparently people think it is a good idea to have their immediate situations managed by thoughtful people, but are happy to have the country as a whole run by idiots. Go figure. [/tippy] The Weasel made the following comment to the press:

“Jobs and economic prosperity is more important than ideology and emissions targets”

Leaving the atrocious grammar aside, this statement goes a long way towards illustrating what a short-sighted dullard this man is.

He really thinks that Global Warming is just a question of ideology! Like whether or not you think Australia should be a Republic; a matter of opinion. Translating the above: John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, does not believe the conclusions of the entire scientific community that the world is facing a serious, real climate event of catastrophic proportions.[tippy title=”²”]It is blindingly obvious, therefore, that all his recent new-found ‘concern’ for Green issues is not because he thinks they have merit, but because he is, once again, lying in order to get votes. Why are people so stupid that they can’t see this[/tippy]

My God. His stupidity is breathtaking.

Let me tell you something Prime Minister: all the economic prosperity in the world is going to mean diddly squat when there’s no water left and you’re suffocating in a haze of carbon dioxide.

It doesn’t matter how much I hate him, there seems to be room for even more hate. I strongly condemn him and all he stands for.

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¹It is a curious situation here in Australia, that while the Federal Government is Right Wing Conservative, all the States are under Left Wing Progressive governance. Apparently people think it is a good idea to have their immediate situations managed by thoughtful[tippy title=”³”]Well, relatively speaking. You have no choice but to drop your standards when discussing politicians’ merits.[/tippy] people, but are happy to have the country as a whole run by idiots. Go figure.

²It is blindingly obvious, therefore, that all his recent new-found ‘concern’ for Green issues is not because he thinks they have merit, but because he is, once again, lying in order to get votes. Why are people so stupid that they can’t see this?

³Well, relatively speaking. You have no choice but to drop your standards when discussing politicians’ merits.

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After this morning’s tragic bombing in the Iraqi Parliament, I heard on the radio at least half a dozen Persons of Influence ‘strongly condemning’ the act.

British Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett condemned it. British Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague said: “I strongly condemn the terrorist attacks that have occurred in Baghdad”. Just now I heard President Bush strongly condemning the bombing.

I’m sure as the rest of the world wakes up they’ll all strongly condemn it too.

Since it’s all the rage to make daft empty declarations of nothingness, let it be known that Tetherd Cow Ahead strongly condemns the bombing. And I suggest all you folk strongly condemn it too, loudly and publicly.

Maybe if we all condemn strongly enough… oh, I can’t go on. Someone save me from vacuous politikalspeek.

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!

Oh shit, let me just catch my breath.

Hahahahaha! Hahahahaahahhaha!

Allow me to present you with two sentences from abovementioned ‘source’:

A conservative encyclopedia you can trust.

And in the entry on Evolution:

Creationists can cite material showing that there is no real fossil evidence for the macroevolutionary position and that the fossil record supports creationism.

Conservapedia’s front page trumpets:

You will much prefer using Conservapedia compared to Wikipedia if you want concise answers free of “political correctness”.

… to which I would add ‘… or any actual basis in reality’

I propose that the editors should re-think the name of their site and maybe retitle it as ‘Put-Your-Head-In-A-Bag-opedia’

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahaahaahahaa! Oh look – a handy sandstone block! I think I’ll smash my head against it a few times.

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Special Universal Head Advisory: Pete, don’t go there. It will ruin your day.

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