Do you ever look at things and think… hmmm… I wonder how that came to be? Take this roll of toilet paper (or ‘bathroom tissue’ as the Americans call it, because they can’t bring themselves to say that word. You know. TOILET. This is in keeping with the more comprehensive American belief that if you don’t acknowledge an ‘icky’ thing exists – like, oh, Palestine, say, or sex, or atheists – everything is SO much nicer).12

Anyway, back to this roll of toilet stuff with which you wipe your ass after you’ve had a shit.

Why is it named in the way it is? Are angels particularly known for their softness? It’s not an attribute that immediately springs into my mind when I imagine an angel. Take this angel, for example. It is the Archangel Michael:

Does this picture say ‘softness’ to you? That spear looks sharp to me. Not the kind of thing I want near my tender parts (I will observe that he has funky shoes though).

Here is another picture of a some angels:

These ones have swords. Would you let angels like this go swinging their sabres around in the vicinity of your nether regions? I wouldn’t. And here’s another picture of the Angel Michael. Can you see what he’s doing with that pointy spear?

Yes! That’s right! He’s aiming to stick it right up Lucifer’s bottom! Is that a caring, comfortable, soft image, my friends? I think not!

So how is it, do you think, that advertising people arrived at the brilliant idea of calling toilet paper ‘Angel Soft’, when it’s apparent to anyone with a modicum of religious art experience that angels are anything but soft? How can they get away with such a blatant untruth? Well, as usual, the ad people have included an escape clause in their work. Did you spot it?

There it is! Those rascally advertising types! They’ve registered the term ‘PS’ and tacked it onto their brand name! Genius!

So, their product can now be called ‘Angel Soft (PS®)’, where the PS obviously signifies:

PS: If it feels like someone’s sticking a sword up your ass, then it’s not our fault. You should have paid more attention in Sunday School.

  1. I exclude from this assessment, of course, Americans who are reading Tetherd Cow Ahead. Or who can read, generally. []
  2. Whenever I hear an American say ‘I’m going to the bathroom’ I have to strongly fight the urge to say ‘Really? Again? You must be so clean – you just had a bath a couple of hours ago!’ []