The Entire Members

You know those letters you get from Nigeria promising to send you untold wealth from someone’s forgotten fortune? Well today I got a real genuine one. No, seriously, I did. Really. I swear. Look – I’ll show you:

OFFICE OF THE SENATE HOUSE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN PAYMENT(RESOLUTION PANEL ON CONTRACT PAYMENT)

IKOYI-LAGOS NIGERIA

Our Ref: FGN /SNT/STB Your Ref

ATTN: Beneficiary ,

We, the entire members of the Federal House of Senate, on behalf of the Federal Republic of Nigerian Government,

The entire members! See! This is not just some johnny-come-lately spammer! This is a letter from the entire members of the Nigerian Government!

On going through files yesterday, we discovered that your file was dumped untreated,

Dumped untreated! Chucked in the charity bin like an old coat! Thrown casually aside like a shunned lover! Binned like a used polystyrene cup!

How could they, the bastards!!?

so at this juncture, we apologize

Oh. Shucks. That’s OK then.

for the delay of your payment and please stop communicating with any office now and attention to the appointed office below for you to receive your payment.

Now you lost me there.

Your new Payment Reference No.-35460021, Allocation No: 674632 Password No :
339331 , Pin Code No: 55674 and your Certificate of Merit Payment No :
103 , Released Code No: 0763; Immediate Telex confirmation No: -1114433
; Secret Code No: XXTN013 ,Having received these vital payment number ,
therefore You are qualified now to received and confirm Your payment
with the Federal Government of Nigeria immediately within 24hrs .

Ooooooh! All those numbers. No-one could just make those things up! You’d have to be, like, a super-uber-mastermind to getaway with those kinds of hijinks!

A Payment Reference, an Allocation Number, a Pin Code, a Certificate of Merit Payment Number (wha?), a Released Code (huh?), an Immediate Telex Confirmation Number (smokin’ – I’ve always wanted one of those) and a Secret Code Number!!!! How spiffingly Famous Five! Let’s have lashings of ginger beer!

NOTE : We have mounted our security network to monitor every in-coming call , if we still find out that you are still dealing with all those fraudsters that have been frustrating , I shall stop and cancel your payment immediately.

But. But. But. I haven’t been dealing with those fraudsters! I haven’t. I swear! Don’t cancel my payment!

Er… just out of curiosity, how much am I going to get? I know that those other fraudsters (I’ve heard. I haven’t been dealing with them) offer LOTS of money. Like millions of dollars. So I note that even though you’re happy to bandy lots of numbers about when it comes to Secret Codes and Certificate of Merit Payment identifications, you seem to have neglected to mention any actual figures when it comes to dollars owed, Mr Representative of Nigerian Government Members.

See? This is why I think this is a genuine offer. Only a government bureaucracy could be dumb enough to omit the most significant part of a transaction.