Wed 3 Jun 2009
Diamonds in the Rough
Posted by anaglyph under Daft Advertising
[10] Comments
Tetherd Cow Ahead Adventures in Daft Advertising
Episode #1: Diamonds in the Rough
In what I have a feeling may be the first of a spectacularly successful new series here on TCA, may I submit this little gem that recently came into being on a billboard just down the road from where I live. What is that woman doing? Let’s look a little closer…
Yes, that’s right, she’s examining her diamond collection with a magnifying glass. The advertising geniuses behind this travesty evidently decided that the best image they could present for someone ‘living in style’ is that of a modelly girl wearing mauve eye shadow, all trussed up like a purple Christmas gift and gloating over an unseemly pile of treasure.
What the hell goes on in these dingbats’ heads?
(To appreciate the true surreality of this effort, it does help (but is in no way mandatory) to have visited Croydon).
I’ll fuck you just because,
my daytime color’s mauve-
we played all night,
I did you right-
But GW Bush’s my cuz.
ooops.
That reminds me of some really awful bologne called ‘Aspen.’
The commercials involved a repeating voice over whispered ‘Aspen’ and some modelly people riding around in a blizzard (‘Assspen’) on a horse in very non-season appropriate clothing. Then they stopped in middle of a park (‘Assspen’) that was, I guess, supposed to be in Aspen (‘Assspen’) where they looked up at the clearing sky and stared the Northern Lights.
Besides the obvious stretcher of seeing spectacular Aurora in the 39N latitude, there’s the issue of what would happen to anyone dumb enough to ride a horse through Aspen. Like most liberal towns, they don’t allow you to do anything, let alone ride a sweaty poop machine into their manicured rich people palace.
So I guess in a way, they managed to sell all the pretense and moronic Colorado Chic that Aspen is known for.
Colonel: So you pronounce ‘mauve’ to rhyme with ‘cuz’? Interesting.
Casey: I would have put the people on a donkey and gone with the slogan ‘Putting the ‘ass’ back in Assspen…’
Obviously, living in style makes you very short-sighted.
Once they got to diamonds, couldn’t they have taken that teensy step onwards to loupe?
Your just jealous of us diamond examing people
so if I buy in Croydon I also get a diamond mine thrown in for free?
Is Croyden a little like our Detroit? There are no diamonds in Detroit.
Seriously, that is NOT mauve eye shadow, more of a lilac. But I still do not think that would convince me to move to Croydon. Maybe if she was wearing something more exciting like cherry red or sapphire blue, I would reconsider. I would have to see it first.
Cissy Strutt: It’s not that she’s short-sighted. It’s just that the diamonds will never look big enough for her. That’s STYLE.
Malach: That’s actually funny. Are you sure you feel OK?
Nurse Myra: I have a strange feeling they’re the kinds of diamonds you get from a 2 Dollar Shop. Same place she got the eye shadow.
roussette (Why does your name keep changing?): I think Detroit has more charm than Croydon.
MI: If she was wearing nothing, I might go take a look at what they had to offer, but only in support of more naked women on billboards.
Perhaps you should start your own campaign. I know many would back you.