Tetherd Cow Ahead

This is the remote control for the air conditioner in a cabin on a cruise junk at Vietnam’s beautiful Halong Bay. Please to take notice of the only English word to appear on this unit.

It explains a lot.

Another gargoyle from Sydney University (they’re made from sandstone, if you were wondering).

A few years back, two of the gargoyles from the university appeared for sale on eBay. The seller claimed that they had been legally removed due to superficial damage. I was skeptical but I bid on them anyway.

The reserve was not met and he removed the auction.

I like to think that not long after, the gargoyles came to life and devoured him.

The guys over at Patently Silly have uncovered the work of heretofore unknown beverage genius Kineo Okado. Mr Okado has filed a US patent for ‘Alcoholic beverages derived from animal extract, and methods for the production thereof‘.

Yes, that’s right sports fans, we’re talking meat alcohol. Alcoholic beverages made from meat. And when we’re talking meat, we’re talking chicken and fish as well. The sky is the limit for Mr Okada who is proposing that his concept would be applicable to any animal protein.

(I can just see him enthusiastically explaining the idea to his lab assistant: “Just think Yamada-san – alcohol made from ostriches! Alcohol made from prawns! Alcohol made from water buffalo! Mwahahaha! This will turn the tables on those barbarian gaijin who shunned my Sea Cucumber Custard!)

Examining the patent (it’s a pretty good read, but make sure you’ve some Stemetil handy) we find Okada-san buttressing his pitch with precedents:

Various techniques are well known in the art for the preparation of yeast-fermented beverages such as wine, beer, ale, sake, and the like, which may be applied to the yeast fermentation phases of the production process according to the present invention.

… in Europe and America, various processed meat products, for example fermented sausage, are consumed.

Mmmm. Next time you order the Meat Lover’s Special Pizza, you might consider an accompanying glass of Pepperoni Pinot, Bacon Beaujolais or Cabanossi Cabernet for the Complete Meat Experience.

Of the fermentation process he informs us that:

The resulting product has a distinctive flavor.

Oh, yes, I’m sure he’s right on that aspect.

Skimming through further, one may find some truly nauseating suggestions accompanying the basic concept. Consider:

Carbonated water and flavoring materials such as fruit juice and honey may be added to the resulting fermented beverage according to an aspect of the invention.

Mmmm. Honey flavoured beef schnapps! Lamb & orange vodka! And not just sweet alcoholic meat beverages, but carbonated sweet alcoholic meat beverages as well! Forget Coq au vin: bring on the Coq au Cola!

The alcoholic beverage may also be used in subsequent processes to produce composite beverages (e.g., cocktails)

Here Mr Okado opens up the entire field of mixed drinks and cocktails. What a bonanza. You want to be really careful from now on when you order a Moscow Mule, a Salty Dog or a Fluffy Duck.

The comprehensive patent is wonderfully detailed, colourful and, I’m sure, technically precise, and yet, after all is said and done there still remains one weighty and impatient question on the matter of the Alcoholic Meat Beverage:

Why?

If I leave my house and head east, in about ten minutes of walking I come to the grounds of Sydney University. It’s a pretty big campus, but the best part by far is the old building that makes up the original uni.

It’s decorated with hundreds of stone gargoyles. I’ve photographed many of them, and I thought I might post a few of them here for you to see from time to time.

Today, a rather sad coda to the story of feuding bikers Rodney ‘Hooks’ Monks and Russell Merrick Oldham.

As you will recall, Oldham, a man with ‘a passion for astronomy and a history of violence’ shot Monks dead in a dispute involving a romantic liaison between Monks and his parole officer. Oldham, packing heat in his handbag*, fired three shots at Monks at close range, and escaped in a taxi (I’m not making any of this up).

Oldham has been at large ever since, until last night where he waded into the ocean and, in keeping with his history of violence, shot himself. I like to speculate that he was looking at the stars.

Even this last recounting of the story has elements of the bizarre. Witnesses to the incident record that they heard two shots, before they discovered the lifeless body of Oldham. This either means Oldham was a really lousy shot, or that he was one mean and determined bastard.

RIP Russell. I hope you and Hooks make it up in the Big Club in the Sky. Or in the Other Place.

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*It was in the news report. Handbag. Read it for yourself.

This morning’s Sydney Morning Herald ran a front page story on a murder that appears to be the result of a dispute between two Sydney biker gangs. Police believe that Russell Merrick Oldham fired three shots at Rodney ‘Hooks’ Monk at close range, and then fled the scene.

The paragraph that caught my eye, though, came further down in the article where Russell Merrick Oldham is described:

“Oldham is the Bandidos’ former sergeant-at-arms (he lost the post when he went to jail for five years for the manslaughter of two men at Bankstown in 1998)… He has a passion for astronomy and a history of violence.”*

Ha! My coffee went through my nose and all over the crossword. I wish I’d been scanning police radio last night…

“All cars are advised to be on the lookout for Russell Merrick Oldham, wanted in connection with a fatal shooting in Central Sydney. When approached, suspect may attempt to engage in debate over the existence of zero-point radiation at black hole event-horizons and whether NASA should spend money on repairing the Hubble telescope’s failing gyroscopes. He is believed to be armed, violent and highly philosophical. Advise extreme caution.”

The history behind the nickname of Rodney ‘Hooks’ Monk is unfortunately not covered in the article.†

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*Not that I’m supposing that a biker, or anyone, shouldn’t have a variety of hobbies and interests. It’s just the juxtoposition with his other hobby…

† I wish it had’ve been spelt ‘Hookes’ and then we might have speculated that Rodney’s hobby was microbiology. That would give us the unparalleled opportunity to suppose that the disagreement between Rodney and Russell was over some point of scientific procedure. Oh, the joy!

I am a little disappointed to see that Russell Merrick Oldham doesn’t have a nickname.‡ If ever there was a bike gang member that deserves one, it has to be Russell. Maybe I’ll run a competition and we can send it to him in the slammer.

‡Unless he is named after Joseph Merrick, the ‘Elephant Man‘, and I really don’t want to think too deeply about that…