Tetherd Cow Ahead

Satan Claws has learned that a good strategy for this time of year is to act cute and lull passers-by into a false sense of security…

Here’s wishing all Cow Readers a Very Merry and Festive Yuletide. I hope the eggnog is a-flowing, the Lords are a-leaping and the partridges are piled high under the tree. Remember to stay tuned for January 1, for a whole heap o’ shenanigans to ring in another year of bovine fun!

Since I posted about the unique Cheeky Whissstling Gnome a little while back, I know that you’ve all been yearning for more treats from the wondrous Penny Miller Catalogue. Today I present for you the Motion Activated Owl, a fit companion for the Whissstling Gnome if ever I saw one!

Yes, this owl, with its ‘menacing glow in the dark eyes’ is not for the faint-hearted. Featuring a ‘true to life hooting sound’ it joins forces with the Gnome to make sure that your garden is cleansed, not only of unwanted intruders, but of ‘birds and other unwanted animals’ as well. Penny Miller, with her Owl & Gnome Army, is evidently aiming to single-handedly demolish both the pest-control and security industries in one fell swoop!

Of course, with all the whistling & hooting, and the staring eyes, it’s distinctly possible that your garden could start to resemble a buck’s night at the Oxford Tavern so you might want to give your neighbours a heads-up. Especially if you live next door to me – I’ll need to get my air-rifle out of the basement.

Excellent! Some sad, unemployed thoughtful soul has hand-delivered me one of those bizarre catalogues of cheap knick-knacks of which I am so fond (long-time Cow Readers may recall past musing on such must-have items as the Leopard Print Toilet Seat and the Portable Plasma™ Globe from the awesome Innovations people). Today, I present for your scrutiny, from the Penny Miller Catalogue, The Cheeky Whistling Gnome.

Most people, when conjuring up a mental picture of Hell, imagine a place of molten lava with sulphurous flames and black oily smoke, populated by demons with pitchforks.* For my own part, I see myself arriving on the doorstep of Hell to be greeted by a Cheeky Whistling Gnome and ushered into a suburban house comprehensively decorated with useless bric-a-brac from Penny Miller. Thence I expect to be introduced to some irksome proponent of Intelligent Design who will regale me for all eternity with a diatribe of smug ‘we-told-you-so’s‘.†

But I digress: now for a mere $19.90, you too can have a door-stop gnome that will almost certainly propel your visiting friends into a state of near psychosis by assailing them with a cheeky/bold/naughty whissstle every time they approach your house. Somehow, this very same whissstle will also magically ‘deter’ intruders. Unwanted intruders, at least. Wanted intruders will be OK.‡

In addition, you may ‘Delightfully surprise your guests while allowing this cheeky gnome to greet them…’ I’ll accept suggestions for what sort of delightful surprise you might spring on visitors while they’re distracted by the warbling garden ornament.

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*Now where, do you suppose, that the idea of little red devils with pitchforks ever came from?

†No, Mr Creationist Visitor – I don’t really expect this to happen. This is a literary invention, offered here for the purposes of humour.

‡It strikes me that this gnome is MUCH scarier than this gnome…

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A study made last year by researchers at the University of Minnesota found that people declaring themselves to be atheists are the least trusted in America. A phone survey of more than 2000 people rated atheists ‘…below Muslims, recent immigrants, homosexuals and other groups as “sharing their vision of American society.”‘

In America, it seems, one has freedom of religion, but when it comes to freedom of thought, not so much.

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Yeah. Looks dead to me. Hang on, let me poke it with this stick…

Whilst browsing over at Modern Mechanix just now, I found the pic above captioned thus:

Dancing Robot performs a merry jig by remote control. Patrick Rizzo who built it in his spare time, claims the $100,000 creature is the first of its type.

Oh great, that’s all we need – a robot crossed with a ventriloquist doll. That dances.