King Willy points me to a site where ‘Melbourne’ ex-smoker and mom ‘Rachel Bell’ on her ‘A Mom’s blog about beauty, cosmetics & staying young’ tells us of a wonderful new discovery that has totally changed her life!
My name is Rachel Bell. I live in Melbourne, 07 (sic) and I want to tell you how I changed my teeth from being something I was ashamed of to being something I’m proud to show off. This teeth whitening trick changed my life and I hope it can change yours too. I’m not a dentist, doctor or medical expert, I’m just a mom[tippy title=”*”]If you really want us to believe she lives in Melbourne you stupid twats, then you’d best do some homework and find out that no-one in Australia spells it like that…[/tippy] who stumbled upon a special combination of two different products that work wonders when put together. This is my story.
This is Rachel:
Isn’t she wholesome-looking? Such a lovely honest girl. This is what Rachel’s teeth looked like before the astonishing teeth-whitening process:
And this is what they looked like after.
Yes, Cowpokes, the two amazing products that Rachel has discovered for whitening her teeth are called a computer and Photoshop!
I’d like to find out more about Rachel, and maybe get a few more of tips for staying young and looking beautiful, but golly, it looks like she’s only made one post on her ‘blog’. And, sadly, the comments to it are closed ‘due to spam’.
You’ll forgive me if I don’t link to it. I think Rachel probably already gets an ample quotient of visitors.
*If you really want us to believe she lives in Melbourne you stupid twats, then you’d best do some homework and find out that no-one in Australia spells it like that…
According to American astronomers at the Harvard-Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics, a white dwarf star in the constellation of Centaurus, next to the Southern Cross, has been found to contain a 3000-kilometre-wide toilet into which you can throw all your money!
Well, that’s not exactly the way they put it on a site I just found called Space Diamond – I’ve just fixed it so it’s closer to the truth.
What the people at Space Diamond actually want you to believe is that the white dwarf in Centaurus contains a GIANT DIAMOND[tippy title=”*”]It actually might, believe it or not. But that’s entirely beside the point.[/tippy] and if you send them some money for a ‘Space Diamond Gift Certificate’, you will be entitled to… well… to a gift certificate. That’s right Cowpokes, these people are selling NOTHING. OK, to be accurate, the certificate promises that it is ‘good’ for ‘the first carets harvest from space’. Hahahaha! The first carets harvested from a white dwarf star that is in a constellation five light years away from our own solar system! By my calculation, even if they sent up a spaceship with accredited jewellers right now, we’d all be well and truly dead before they got back.
With this in mind, I wrote to the smiling lady at Space Diamond’s ‘Customer Service’ department. I think I’ll call her Wanda. This is a picture of her:
Dear Space Diamond,
When do you anticipate the first diamond harvest will occur? Your offer seems almost too good to be true, and I don’t want to waste my money on something that is not scientifically feasible.
Yours sincerely
Reverend Anaglyph
I expect to hear from Wanda promptly with a detailed description of Space Diamond’s near light-speed propulsion system and their strategy for the penetration of the core of a massively dense star and the excavation thereof. I’m also curious to peruse their proposal for how they plan to get several trillion tons of diamond back here, and why doing so wouldn’t immediately cause diamonds to become as worthless as gravel.
It was recently brought to my attention that the purveyors of the ludicrous Shoo!TAG™ have a bunch of clips up on YouTube that feature all manner of spurious claims. Since they have already demonstrated the scale of their ignorance here on The Cow, this will probably not come as a surprise to anyone, but seeing that there is virtually no balanced criticism of the product on the net, and because of their increasingly bad behaviour (see below) ((Oh, alright – and because I’m enjoying the sport…)), I feel obliged to bring to your attention some further egregious idiocy.
The Shoo!TAG™ YouTube presence includes a number of short vox-pop style grabs in a question-and-answer style, where various Shoo!TAG™ personages pose and then answer questions about the product. Here are two examples that talk about Shoo!TAG™ and EMF, or electromagnetic fields. For your convenience I have included the verbatim transcript of each segment under the video.
Q: Does Shoo!TAG™ use a radio frequency to transmit its signal?
Kathy M. Heiney: No! We use no radio frequencies, we use no harmful EMF frequencies. (We…) the Shoo!TAG™ is a Schumann wave based frequency which supports life.
Q: Are there any dangers associated with Shoo!TAG™?
Melissa Mowrer Rogers: Not to my knowledge. It’s chemical-free, it’s non-toxic, um… it’s made of earth-friendly frequencies and they’re… it’s not a EMF frequency that everybody’s worried about with cellphone towers and that type thing. It has nothing to do with that. So to my knowledge there’s really no dangers at all with Shoo!TAG™
Got that? Shoo!TAG™ DOES NOT use EMF frequencies. Oh, n-o-o-o-o – it uses ‘Schumann waves’. I guess that what they’re talking about (who can do anything but guess?) is Schumann resonances which, according to Wikipedia, are
… a set of spectrum peaks in the extremely low frequency portion of the Earth’s electromagnetic field spectrum. (emphasis mine).
In what we are coming to expect from these people as typical fashion, Kathy Heiney (in the top clip) is spewing forth some half-baked nonsense as if it’s meaningful, based on a very poor understanding of science. Aside from anything, Schumann resonances would be entirely impossible to generate from a magnetic strip on a plastic card. Let me quote from the Wikipedia article:
Lightning discharges are considered to be the primary natural source of Schumann resonance excitation…
Since the makers of Shoo!TAG™ have claimed elsewhere that it contains no power source, this is quite clearly nonsense. Of course, Schumann waves could be a completely different proposition, but unfortunately there is no reference to them in the entirety of the internet (except, again unsurprisingly, on various and sundry pseudoscientific web pages to do with an assortment of ‘mystical healing’ techniques).
In the second of these clips, Melissa Rogers, the other of Shoo!TAG™’s creative masterminds claims that the frequencies are ‘earth-friendly’ and ‘non-toxic’ – vacuous hogwash if ever it was uttered. She also vacillates on the level of her responsibility by saying that there are no dangers associated with Shoo!TAG™ to her knowledge. Lady, it’s your product. If you know what it’s supposed to do and how it’s supposed to work, then I’d expect a lot more confidence than you’re exhibiting here. ((Of course this is a characteristic ploy of all practitioners of pseudoscience – equivocate. That way, you can never be caught out. In the event that the scary Schumann waves cause bolts of lightning to erupt out of the Shoo!TAG™ she can’t be called to account.))
Bigger in TX: Has anyone tried the Shoo Tag and gotten good results…?
The anonymous ‘B’ (who I think you will agree has all the insight and scientific acumen of a certain Ms Melissa Rogers): I haven’t, but am considering. Here’s what I’ve found so far: A three dimensional or trivector signature has been imprinted onto the magnetic field of a three field magnetic memory card. This card is then hung around the neck of an animal and the magnetic field can stimulate the biology of the animal to build up defense to invaders. This is completely safe and proficient. In our preliminary farm tests the researchers found 75% less infestation of the insect pests when using the strips than in control populations. Further testing is presently being done in Europe. ((Notice how the narrative voice changes from an ‘interested’ third party (‘I haven’t tried it’) to an informed participant (‘our preliminary tests’).))
A ‘trivector signature’? A ‘three field magnetic memory card’? The testing is ‘being done in Europe’? If anyone was thinking I’m being unnecessarily hard on a couple of nutty and deluded but well-meaning duffers, this should make it clear that these people are cynical con-artists. They make these ‘cards’. They know full well that all this stuff they’re peddling is hooey. If there are any such tests as the ones they claim, where are the published results? (As if it’s going to come as any surprise, the ‘sources’ quoted in the answer’ are nothing of the sort and just link back to either the Shoo!TAG™ site or other sites that empty-headedly endorse the stupid thing).
Show us the science, Shoo!TAG™ That’s ALL you have to do. Show us the science.
I said above that the Shoo!TAG™ people are guilty of bad behaviour, so let me end on that note. When I saw some of the YouTube clips go up, I posted a user comment (as one is allowed to do on YouTube). This is what I said:
ShooTag is a useless gadget based on pseudoscientific thinking. Ask yourself this question: if it was anywhere near as effective as the makers claim, why hasn’t it been picked up by doctors fighting malaria in all corners of the world?
(The answer is, in case you didn’t guess: Because it simply doesn’t work.)
Someone almost immediately marked it as spam. In the grand tradition of baseless claims throughout history, the Shoo!TAG™ mob are resorting to gagging any criticism of their daft gadget. Of course, that’s all they can do because they are manifestly unable to defend themselves or their product in any credible fashion.
UPDATE March 2015: The videos I linked above – like much of the other stuff that makes the claims of the ShooTag people look so ridiculous – have been redacted from YouTube. Nothing quite like rewriting history to cover up your mistakes.
Seeing red? Feeling blue? Got aches and pains that just won’t go away? Tried whisky and aspirin and bonox and nothing seems to work anymore? Why not shed some light on the problem: the iPhone Pocket Pain Doctor is here!
Yes, dear Acowlytes, no matter what your problem, it can be solved by an iPhone app. And if your problem is a kinda sorta non-specific-type general one, then the right kind of app will obviously feature as its main operating principle – all together now – woowoo!!!
(The YouTube video has been removed for some reason. You have to imagine a long spiel from an unappealingly pushy man who shows you how you can make the iPhone shine coloured light on your skin. It’s far from persuasive).
That’s right Cowmrades – just by shining red or blue light on yourself using your phone, Pocket Pain Doctor will relieve all kinds of pain, make you more alert and cure your acne! Or, on the other hand, it might not. The bottom of the Pocket Pain Doctor site features this disclaimer:
BluWave and RedWave are not intended to treat or cure any disease. None of the statements on this website have been evaluated by the FDA.
(The Pocket Pain Doctor site has now been pulled, sadly. But unsurprisingly).
See, that’s the REALLY GREAT THING about woowoo! You can have your cake and eat it too! Your product may or may not work but people still pay you money for it. Marvellous!
Oh. But what’s this? There’s some references to ‘Clinical Studies‘ on the site! Hooray! This is bound to be enlightening… let’s see what we have. First a link to PubMed. OK, that’s impressive. It’s a draft of a paper (supposedly) called Seasonal Disorder & Body Effects Of Blue Light. ((It’s actually called “Action spectrum for melatonin regulation in humans: evidence for a novel circadian photoreceptor.” Do these people think that potential Pocket Pain Doctor customers are stupid? Oh.)) Hey waiddaminute! That’s got nothing to do with ‘Seasonal Disorder’ or blue light! It’s about the effect of light on melatonin suppression. OK – here’s another one from Modern Medicine: Blue Light Kills Acne Bacteria. Wow… so it appears. That is, if it’s catalyzing a chemical called 5-aminolevulinic acid! I wonder if the iPhone squirts some of that out too?
How about red light then? Here’s a link to a NASA article: Red Light Therapy Relieves Pain Naturally. Oh looky! It’s actually about how infrared light helps cell regrowth in a certain type of cancer, minimising the pain as a result. What about Red Light Relieves Arthritis Pain & Muscle Injuries? Well, that’s a link ((On a site called Healing Light Seminars – now that really looks reputable.)) to a pdf that appears to be a list of double blind clinical trials – but not including the findings of those trials! And anyway, they are trials of an entirely unrelated kind – various methods of infrared laser treatment. Just in case anyone isn’t clear on this – your iPhone does not emit infrared laser light. I’m astonished that anyone can get away with this kind of complete fakery.
In a comment on the home page of the Pocket Pain Doctor site, the person who created the app complains that over on Engadget they gave his toy a bit of an unfair bashing. From his tone, one might even come to the conclusion that this guy believes in what he’s pushing. But that’s a little hard to accept when you see the duplicity involved in those links to ‘scientific evidence’ that he has provided. At best he misunderstands what he’s reading and actually thinks his sources offer some kind of substantiation of his idea. At worst, his ‘corroboration’ is deceitful.
In any case, it’s all about to become academic. Down in the Tetherd Cow Ahead labs, the boffins have been hard at work on this very concept, and I’m sure it will not surprise you at all to hear that they have perfected a new technology which we call ChromaCow™. Incorporating the technology behind the TCA Virtual Glass of Water™, ChromaCow™ offers you everything that you get with Pocket Pain Doctor, only IT’S ABSOLUTELY FREE! Best of all, TCA Labs is introducing a third, even better alternative to RedWave™ and BluWave™ – YelloWave™! With TCA YelloWave™ active on your computer, we UNRESERVEDLY GUARANTEE ((Guarantee may not be guaranteed.)) that the true nature of your innermost self will be revealed to you!!! Simply click on the icons below for the complete ChromaCow™ experience! (Make sure you do them all in order or your spectral chakras may become misaligned, resulting in mood swings, sour milk or even anal haunting).
So off you go Faithful Cowpokes – tell all your friends that they need no longer waste their money on woowoo in the iPhone app shop when they can get it here at Tetherd Cow Ahead FOR NOTHING!
(Thanks once more to Atlas for putting me on the trail. I suppose that now I really am going to have to give him a prize for the Pickled Herring Poetry Contest.)
In case you were wondering, faithful Acowlytes, Prophet Peter Popoff still regularly communicates with me, albeit in a conversation that is fairly one-sided. He still hasn’t managed ever to respond to my questions, and one must consider that the silence after my last heartfelt offering has been decidedly chilly.
Previously, as you will recall, I had gotten a little excited that I am the only one who has made any money out of our exchange, but evidently my crowing has come to Prophet Pete’s attention. Today I received a missive in which he asks for his money back again:
Of course, that’s never going to happen, especially when he goes on to tell me that he ‘must do something very spiritual and private’ with the money. I think we all have a pretty good idea what kinds of things Prophet Pete does in the apse when no-one is around.
I am making quite a collection of Peter Popoff paraphernalia though, including, not before time, the elusive Dead Sea Salt, which arrived a few weeks back.
Prophet Pete must have known how much I’d been anticipating it – he couldn’t stop himself from scrawling his excitement on the front of the envelope:
Indeed, it excited someone in the post office too, because before it arrived in my letterbox the letter had quite obviously been opened and then sticky-taped closed again:
And lest you think it was a mistake, and the letter was ‘opened in error’, a second envelope inside the first one (Prophet Pete is very fond of a little envelope-in-envelope action) was opened also:
But the Dead Sea Salt was still in there, so I can only assume that the snoop didn’t truly understand the value of the contents. ((Either that, or they stole the winning lottery ticket that Prophet Pete had thoughtfully enclosed…))
I’ve added the little salty baggy to my expanding Prophet Peter Popoff portmanteau, along with some other recent acquisitions – a golden Disk of Healing, anotherten thousand dollar note, a piece of blue cloth (I can’t remember what the hell that was supposed to be), Aaron’s Rod (a toothpick in a little cotton bag), and one of Jesus’ sandals (funny, all that Bible verse and not one mention that Jesus had paper footwear).
I am confident that soon I will have enough to open the world’s first Prophet Peter Popoff museum! Admission charge will be 2c.
