Tetherd Cow Ahead

Over at Radioactive Jam’s pad, the discussion turned to some issues of Political Correctness and I advised a trip to cartoonist John Callahan’s website for a good dose of (humourous) reality from someone who sits (in his wheelchair) on the other side of the able-bodied fence.

Callahan has a great selection of hate mail he has received for his work. It is possibly the funniest part of the site. Cheeze, people are so humourless and easily upset. It’s just cartoons folks, he’s pulling your strings!

I thought this was particularly chuckle-worthy in reference to some previous Cow observations (Now Pil, no hate mail, you know it’s just a joke!)

Satan’s Cologne too rich for your blood? Well here at The Cow we are pleased to be able to point you to a real world alternative. Yes shoppers, at the Demeter Fragrance Library you can purchase the fragrance of Holy Water in your choice of Cologne, Calming Spray or Bath & Shower Gel.

Fight vampires and smell nice too!

UPDATE: I just noticed that ‘Funeral Home’, one of the fragrances in the Library, was designed by Christopher Brosius from ‘I Hate Perfume’, who has been mentioned in despatches previously.
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While you’re there, be sure to spray on a little Laundromat, or Riding Crop. Or maybe Funeral Home is more your thing.

You can bet that I’ve put a dozen of these gems on order!

You know how restaurants charge you corkage for uncorking a bottle of wine?† What are they going to charge you for now that wine bottles are using screw caps a lot more frequently?

†This ridiculous practice may not occur in other countries.

Last July, fellow blogger and faithful Cow Reader Radiocative Jam spotted what appeared to be God’s SUV whilst on his way to work. Yes folks, it seems that like mostly everyone else God is totally unconcerned about Global Warming and is happy to chew up the fossil fuels with reckless abandon.*

Anyway, the other day I am driving down Botany Road in Alexandria, Sydney, and I cruise up behind this black jeep at the lights. The license plate reads SATAN.

Now I am completely aware that not one single reader is going to believe me after my recent escapades with a certain feline minion of the Dark One, so at great risk to an elderly pedestrian nun, and physical risk to my own person (of a hernia), I retrieve my cell phone from my pocket with a view to snapping a crystal clear shot of the plate.

Too late – before I can say ‘Beelzebub’s Bollocks!”, the jeep is out of range and heading for Hades. I’ve got an iceberg’s chance in Hell of catching him. I realize that you’ll all be scoffing in disdain at the above shot, but it’s the best I could do. Moments later the jeep had disappeared in an oily black puff of diesel and brimstone.†

*Well, I guess in His case, he can argue that He made them, so he can bleedin’ well do what he likes with them…

†One of the tail lights was broken, but I wouldn’t want to be the cop that pulled him over…

I am loathe to just pinch articles from boingboing but I’m afraid I had no choice but to make sure you all knew about The Cat Piano.

Yes, it’s exactly what you think: the keyboard is connected to a mechanism that jabs a sharp spike into the bum of the appropriate cat, each of whom has been selected for the pitch and tone of its meow. Oh the cruel mirth.

I am obliged to recount that the brother of a certain reader of this blog has a variation of this instrument, called The Cat Bagpipes, in which the cat is held splayed in the arms in a manner that resembles bagpipes. The cat’s tail is held in the mouth and upon the ‘player’ biting it, the cat then utters sounds not unlike the tones of a bagpipe.

Now before I get spammed by animal rights activists, I just want to say I don’t condone this behaviour.

But it sure is funny.

If you run a cafe and a customer asks the question “Is your orange juice freshly squeezed?” there is only one acceptable answer: “Yes, of course!”

If you need to answer “No” then you shouldn’t be offering orange juice on the menu. The chalky bitter-and-yet-too-sweet orange coloured stuff that comes supplied in plastic bottles is about as close to orange juice as Kool Aid is to, well, any naturally occurring substance.

Other unacceptable answers to the above question:

♦”Yes, it’s that brand that gets squeezed daily. We get it delivered every couple of days…*”

♦”No, but it’s organic”

♦”I’m not sure†”

♦”No, it’s Tang”

♦”No, but it’s a really nice brand‡”

Lately, a cafe in my area has taken to providing a certain brand of organic orange juice in an ugly plastic bottle. If you are foolish enough to order it, the bottle is delivered to the table with a straw, no glass. This is all about showing off your preference for drinking expensive organic juice and nothing about enjoyment. It tastes like shit.

Hear me, restaurants of the world: the only acceptable option for providing orange juice to a customer is to get a few big fresh oranges (organic if you desire, certainly), squeeze the juice out of them and deliver it immediately to the table. Don’t put ice in it.

The Cow has spoken.

*No kidding – a waiter said that to me once.
†You may as well say “No”. Any restaurant waiter worth their wage could hardly not notice orange squeezing apparatus. It’s not like it’s a Stealth process or anything.
‡ No it isn’t. Orange juice in bottles does not taste at all like real orange juice. Ever.