A Spider Bot

OK, now I know it might appear that I’m obsessed with this robot-hate-thing, but can you really blame me when the tinfoil hat guys keep coming up with these completely moronic inventions? Take this latest effort to convince us that robots are a good idea, brought to you courtesy of Tmsuk Co Ltd and security firm Alacom Co Ltd.

Going by the evocative moniker of ‘T-34’, this new mechanical marvel from Tmsuk (I like to think it’s pronounced ‘tum suck’) is a small wheeled vehicle, equipped with a video camera and a deployable net, that can be controlled by a mobile phone. The idea is that you drive the gadget to the scene of a crime, where you fire off its web and ensnare any villainous scum who may be robbing your noodle shop. It’s just like a little mechanical Spiderman. With wheels.

Here’s a video of the gadget in action. I urge you to watch T-34 (who I am hereby re-christening Spiderbot because, well, because anything’s more interesting than ‘T-34’) go through its uncannily dextrous moves as it deftly fires off its web and entangles the perp, who, in an Oscar winning performance, struggles mightily to be rid of Spidey’s treacherous threads.

Oh, the mirth.

Judging by the demonstration in the video clip, it occurs to me that Spiderbot might conceivably work if:

•The targeted criminal is so dazed by Spiderbot’s awesome technical prowess that he/she is unable to move, and stands frozen at a distance convenient enough to become entangled in the flimsy string bag that is limply tossed over their head.

•The miscreant cannot move faster than a three-toed sloth hopped up on valium, and does not have a baseball bat/shotgun/blanket or heavy footwear.

•There are no stairs or doors at the scene of the crime.

•The felon is Trung Le’s Aiko.

Seriously. A radio controlled car equipped with a nerf gun would be more threatening than this preposterous concept. Do they have actual criminals in Japan anymore? I hardly think that this is going to have the Yakuza trembling in their sandals.