Fri 24 Apr 2009
Yuliya
Posted by anaglyph under Science, Sex, Spam Observations
[31] Comments
![Yulya](https://www.tetherdcow.com/tetherdcow/cowimage/yulya.jpg)
Faithful Acowlytes! Imagine my surprise and joy this morning to receive an email from the beautiful Yuliya, to whom I recently wrote on the matter of ‘love and sensations among people’. ((I can’t actually remember doing that, but she seems fairly sure that I did, so who am I to argue?)) Yuliya even included, most thoughtfully, a picture of herself! As you will no doubt have perceived, Yuliya is a professional semiotician, and with this portrait she is using semiotics to reflect her thoughts: the Christmas hat indicates that ‘all my Christmases are about to come at once’ and the object she is holding shows that she has ‘the key to my heart’. The gold handcuff-like bracelet signifies that she wants to be my Eternal Love Slave. Although Yuliya is from Russia, language poses no barrier when your true love communicates with symbols!
Yuliya has obviously been thinking long and hard about how best to convey her intentions to me. To make things absolutely clear, she has also outlined her yearning in words. Taken together, the semiotic subtext of the image and the sincerity of the email are persuasive evidence that Yuliya is completely hot for me. Here’s what she said (I’ve omitted some things, as much of it was boring personal – I’m sure you’ll understand):
hi, dear
Please, do not be surprise – this letter is not a spam one.
You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail.
Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box.
The letter was about love and sensations among people. The motto of the
letter was like this search for love and you’ll become happy! I liked
this letter very much.
I would like to know more about you. Providing that it is me who is
the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality.
My name is Yuliya. I am 32 years old.. I from Murom it in (Russia). To me
of 32 years. I the widow. My husband was lost in automobile failure!!
I am cute, calm, kind and sociable.
I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of
yours! Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking
for serious relations. For me it means no deception, no double jokes. I
am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I
hope you are searching for your love, too.
I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any
importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect
seriously!
I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find
sport, cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy
about housekeeping and house holding. I like tiding up and general
cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. I love changes.
I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I
do not smoke or use alcohol.
Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to
learn more about you.
In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more
precisely.
Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to
understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of
my life – my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.
I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you
better.
Remember of me.
my e-mail – yuliya.b76@gmail.com
Your new friend,
Yuliya
Of course, I wrote back to Yuliya immediately –
Oh Yuliya, my Maiden from Murom!
Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to please you, Yuliya! I am so terribly sad to hear of the automobile failure that claimed your husband’s life. I myself am no stranger to that kind of tragedy, and I can only imagine how lonely you must feel. I am a little older than you, at age 51, but I see that you are not too concerned about that. You sound like exactly the kind of woman I am looking for, and even though you describe yourself as ‘cute, calm, kind and sociable’, I think you are being a little coy by leaving out ‘sexy’, you naughty thing!
I think love and respect are very important also, and, if you wear attractive lingerie, I am sure I can manage to love and respect you, as you desire. Although I also do not hold with deception, I’m not sure I could give up double jokes, which I find quite entertaining. For example:
A man walks up to a Buddhist hotdog vendor, gives him five bucks and says “Make me one with everything”.
The hotdog vendor hands him a hotdog and the man says “Don’t I get any change?”
The Buddhist hotdog vendor looks at the guy, raises an eyebrow, and says “Change comes from within.” ((Actually, this is a triple joke, if you account for the rather philosophical concept of a hot dog seller being Buddhist.))
I think you must agree that a double joke such as that is trés amusing, and it would be a shame not to have some humour in our relationship. Thank you for telling me of your hobbies – they do sound intriguing, although I’m not really very interested in sport (unless it’s of the kind that can be performed in the bedroom). I must tell you that on the first read-through of your letter, I failed to notice the comma between ‘cooking’ and ‘books’ and hence for a moment had the amusing image in my head that one of your hobbies was ‘cooking books’! Hahaha! In my country, that is a slang expression that means ‘to be dishonest with your accounting’ (I know that you would never be dishonest, Yuliya, like so many women from your country who attempt to entrap lonely and desperate foreign men and fleece them of their money).
I understand that you like to experiment in the kitchen, which I find an especially appealing trait, as I’m very fond of science myself. I suppose you have done that great trick with dairy whitener and a candle flame? That usually gets a few laughs at parties. Perhaps if (dare I say ‘when’?) we meet, we can whip up a big batch of methyl glycol on the cooktop!
Yuliya, I would like to go into depth about my interests and hobbies here, but I think just a brief mention will be suitable at this time. By profession I am a religious man and distributor of hessian underclothing. I have to admit that the latter is also a personal interest, along with collecting old enamel buttons, unusual and rare moths, and tags from other people’s luggage. I own a large country estate in Ireland, where I raise baby chupacabras for the cryptozoology industry.
But enough about me! I would very much like to see some more pictures of you, particularly those revealing all parts of your life. Don’t be pensive and melancholy Yuliya! True love is surely just around the corner for us!
Please reply soon!
Your distant friend and admirer (and should I hope… future lover…?)
Reverend Anaglyph
Church of the Tetherd Cow
Of course, I had it translated into her native language, just so there would no confusion. This is how Babelfish says it should appear to her:
Oh Yuliya, my girl from Murom!
Half of what I speak meaningless, but he tells him exactly to if you please you, Yuliya! ((Ha! I bet you never thought of putting it like that John Lennon!)) I am so terribly sad to hear the failure of automobile which it claimed the life of your husband. I itself any stranger to that kind-hearted of tragedy, and I can only represent as lonely you must feel. I a little is older than you, on period 51, but I see that you that not too perturbed about you. You [zvuchaete] as accurately the form of woman I search for, and even if you describe in proportion to `dear, calm, form and sociable’ , I think that you a little shy by way to leave out of ‘ sexy’ , you are capricious thing!
I think that love and respect it is very important also, and, if you bear attractive female [bele], then I are assured I can govern to fall in love and to respect you, in proportion to you desire. Although I also do not hold with the fraud, I am not confident I could give the upward dual jokes, which I consider sufficiently entertaining. For example:
Men goes for a walk to the Buddhist supplier of hot sausage, he gives to it 5 [sametsov] of deer and he speaks that “make me one with allâ€.
The supplier of [khota]- great dane entrusts to it hot sausage and man speaks that “I obtain no change?â€
The Buddhist supplier of hot sausage looks guy, raises eyebrow, and speaks that “change it comes from within. â€
I think that you must agree that dual joke as that is well amusing, and it would be shame not have certain humor in our sense. You for to tell me your hobbies – they [zvuchayut] sufficiently [intriguyushch], although I am not actually very interested in the sport (if it will not be form which can be carried out in the bedroom). I must say to you that on the first of read-through of your letter, I did not know how to note the comma between cooking `and by the books `and consequently for a moment had amusing image in my head that one of your hobbies was `cooking books’! Hahaha! In my country, the expression of slang which means `in order to be dishonestly with your of accounting (I know never that you were not dishonest, Yuliya, as so many women from your country which ask to catch lonely and desperate strange people into the trap and fleece of their [deg]).
I understand that you love to experiment in the kitchen, which I consider specially appealing feature, in proportion to itself very [lyubyashch] of science. I do assume that you it did make that it was large trick with the whitener of dairy and the flame of candle? That usually obtains a little laughter on the parties. Possibly if (laugh I say when’? `) we meet, then, we can shake up upward on a large series of methyl glycol to cooktop!
Yuliya, I wanted would be to go into the depth about my interests and the hobby here, but I think that exactly briefly mention will be [sootvetstvuyushch] at this time. by profession I am religious person and distributor Hessian underclothing. I must admit that latter also personal interest, together with to gather old enamel button, unusual and rare moths, and tally from the luggage of other people. I to have the large property of the country in Ireland, where I raise chupacabras of baby for the industry of cryptozoology.
But it is sufficient about me! I greatly much wanted would be to see still some images you, in particular those showing all parts of your life. No pensive and melancholy Yuliya! True love it is confident exactly around the corner for us!
If you please answer soon!
Your distant friend and admirer (and the lover of hope the I… future…?)
Saint anaglyph is the church of the cow Of tetherd
Not having any great skill with semiotics, I thought it best not to include a ‘coded’ picture of myself in this instance. I am afraid that I might send Yuliya the wrong mesage and scare her off.
Anyway, now I guess it’s a waiting game. Will Yuliya get my letter? Will she be impressed by my obvious wit? Will she get the Buddhist hotdog seller joke? Dear Cowpokes, stay tuned for more news from Murom in future Cow Posts, with the possible added frisson of further pictures of Yuliya – perhaps even a few revealing all parts of her life!
31 Responses to “ Yuliya ”
Trackbacks & Pingbacks:
-
[…] as noted in the Comments on the Yuliya post, my Russian friend was very eager to get back in touch. I received her delightful correspondence […]
You never wrote me a letter about sensations between people. Now I have pensiveness.
Perhaps if you wore a fetching Christmas hat and had quaint Russian anecdotes?
SAINT Anaglyph???
Why don’t you just call her up, just get right to business. Of course if she talks likes she writes, it may cause you to smash your phone to pieces.
Nurse Myra: If Babelfish decrees it, who am I to object?
MI: And rack up some hefty ISDN fees.
But Revrend, this is a girl lookin fer th serious relations. Will you give her th serious relations, Revrend — you, who have givn so many girls only th airy, flippant relations?
Oh! How I saddn when thinking o poor Yuliya, and her inevitable disapointment, as she seeks relations wif gravity, and mus settle fer th trifling relations instead!
Yes the she is entirely sometimes will be the photogenic one.
Gets around too
The King
You will all be as ecstatic as I am to know that Yuliya had no hesitation in writing back and enclosing further pictures of herself. Sadly, she did not indicate whether or not she found the hotdog seller joke amusing…
I really think, that you are enough average to pull Yuliya forward, considering your marital status vis vis fine Вайолет Тоун
Cissy Strutt: I’m only conducting Yuliya is further as very in proportion to it [vedushcha] I further. I plan to say to it the I’m married but something tell me that it will be smaller concern to it.
Expensive Yuliya, you will not astonish – I felt very strongly that I it must write to you and to my letter, as others which you obtained recently, about the love and the sensations among the people. I very melancholic to which you search for serious [vlyublennost]- relations with my expensive husband saint anaglyph. I too dear calm kind-hearted and am sociable but despondently I not to the ides crazy about housekeeping. You do think that this it can be reason that it did begin its correspondence with you? I feel by very lonely and would be examined that -[nibyd] to win his attachments rear. You do have a consultation for me? Your possible twin is brother… caused possible Yuri? Or possibly you do have genuine and sincere Russian person, it is which necessary to recommend to me? It is possible and I could also send each other by the electronic mail and after this anaglyph would know and would understand my feelings and would return his attention to me. Think me and my children too, for which it is necessary real father with the devotion and the kindness to look afterward them and to make their happy. Your rival violet Towne
Oh VT, we’ve all wanted to win the Rev’s attachments rear at one time or another. Expensive though he may be. And hey, you can’t spell Expensive without Pensive.
Ahh, your soon to be Russian Bride.
VIVA ZAPATA!
So she’s russian?
Yulia should get it on with Sister Veronica. Broadcast it on the net, raise funds for the Church of the Tetherd Cow. Probably make more than Popoff, too.
Violet Towne: That Russian accent you’ve developed is mighty sexy…
Cissy Strutt: You pay for quality.
Malach: Go back on the meds.
Atlas: Now there’s an idea. I’ll ask Sister Veronica what she thinks, but I’m pretty sure she’s going to go for that.
By the way Joey – I’m about as serious as Yuliya is. Her latest letter reveals that she is a twin, so I don’t know about the seriousness of her relations. How am I supposed to know whether I’m dealing with the serious one or the flippant one?
I say the game is fair!
A twin?!?! DANG! You could make a Sister Veronica sandwich!
Sister Veronica might prefer that you make her a sandwich.
Yea, like a Big Mac. I got just the special sauce for her, too.
I get haff a laff outta th idea of a twin that dont do double jokes.
I can speak personally to the subject of online “Love”. Many months ago I was smitten with a young and appealing woman who sent me an email and she requested many things. I complied with all of her requests and left me wanting. I believe you are about to make yourself avilable for the same. What I recommend is that you do something I did not, obtain her address and travel to where she lives. There is no substitution for physical presence and eye contact to further the senses. I believe had I done so when I was given the chance, eternal happiness and love would have been mine. Go for it!
Atlas: Sounds nawty…
Cissy Strutt: Sister Veronica is altogether too fussy.
Atlas: Oh dear. And the tone was set so high.
Joey: Good point. I must ask her about that in my next letter.
lahruitrend: I have a very strange feeling that Yuliya may suggest exactly what you propose – except she’ll be wanting me to pay for her to fly here. Well, Ireland, actually, which is where I’m henceforth setting up residence at my chupacabra farm.
“hupacabra farm” ah! I’ve heard of these, but have yet to see one in person. Can only imagine the the wonderment. Take pictures!
Oh, I will. Maybe I’ll send one to Yuliya!
hi …. jan u are so buetiful i reail
love you.
hi………………yuliya you verry
funny photo
Wow! You made all the appliances look much more beautiful than they were in actual life. Good job! It was a great morning. Leslee Boulton
You can’t actually read, can you Leslee?