This week is, apparently, World Homeopathy Awareness Week(i) so I’m performing my skeptical duty by making you aware of it (wow – even just thinking about homeopathy has made me feel better this morning!)

In the past I have been harsh on homeopathy so in honour of WHAW I’m going to allow some equal time for its proponents. It’s the least I can do. Let me present for you Dr Charlene Werner (a doctor of homeopathy, I presume), who will, using her own words, guide you through the science behind how homeopathy works:

Did you stick it out to the end, or did your laughing fit cause you to hyperventilate like I did? I had to take a whole bottle of homeopathic sedatives to calm me down.

To recap what we have learned from Dr Werner:

• The total mass of the universe is about the same as something the size of a bowling ball (ie, virtually none at all), and is not the 8 × 1052 kg(ii) generally accepted by physicists.(iii)

• Einstein’s famous mass/energy equivalence formula is wrong and it should read E=C2. Many of you will see at once that this is in conflict with the ShooTag reworking of it as E=M¾ and so Dr Werner is possibly in error here.

• Stephen Hawkings was ‘sent to Earth by God in His Infinite Wisdom to bring us String Theory.’ This is evidently a different person to Stephen Hawking, the great physicist and cosmologist, who was born naturally of human parents, and, although a proponent of String Theory, can take no credit for its genesis.

• This supernatural Stephen Hawkings dude also discovered a new kind of particle shaped like ‘little U-ies’ that ‘work by vibration’ (no I don’t know what the hell she’s on about either).

• E=MC2 is an expression of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

• Protons, electrons and neutrons, despite all scientific knowledge to the contrary, are made of energy and not matter.

• The ‘definition’ of disease is ‘Transforming your energy into something different’ and has nothing to do with a pathogenic biological process as is generally thought.

• If your neighbour’s dog craps on your lawn, the best way to deal with the matter is to bomb his house.(iv)

So there we have it. I hope your awareness of homeopathy is suitably heightened. During the next few days we will be celebrating further illuminating homeopathic moments.

Your health!







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Footnotes:

  1. … as I discovered over at Cubiks Rube. Thanks writerJames []
  2. Just in case you’re not good with numerical powers, the language description of that would be ‘AN AMOUNT SO FUCKING HUGE THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE IT’ []
  3. Estimation based on measured stellar density. There is, as always, dispute on the accuracy of this figure, but I think we can safely say that it’s nearer ‘A FUCKING HUGE AMOUNT’ than it is near Dr Werner’s preferred quantity of ‘none’ []
  4. Did anyone else start to wonder at this point whether this woman has some serious issues…? []

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