Sun 11 Dec 2005
Well Faithful Cowites, I guess you’ve noticed it’s been quiet over the last few days. And for good reason. There’s been big developments at Cow Central. I’m writing to tell you all that this will be the last posting I will do on Tetherd Cow Ahead. It’s been a great (almost) year, and I’ve made a lotta great friends and we’ve had some good laughs together. But sadly, all good things must come to an end. Yes that’s right folks, I’m closing up shop here at The Cow because… I have won The British GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO!!! *
No, I’d never heard of it either but I have apparently WON £1.5 MILLION BRITISH POUNDS. Look, I’m sorry for all the caps, but I think you can totally understand my excitement. And besides, my new REALLY REALLY Best Friend Mac Owen who sent me the good news, likes to use caps a lot too. Well, you would, wouldn’t you, if you had the job of conveying that kind of spectacular news to people.
Mac’s email to me was a little long-winded, but stick with me – it’s almost TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE:
From: The Director of the Prize Award Department
Reference number: EG/38807886091/05
Batch number: 340/1608/RDL
Oooh. That sounds all official and everything don’t it? With all those complicated Batch Numbers and all. It must be genuine! No one could, like, just make up those numbers like that.
I wonder what other Departments they have at a place called the Graphics Fortune Lotto? The Money Hoarding Department? The Coloured Ball Minding Department? The Sucker Born Every Minute Department?
Re: Award Notification Of Final Notice
Oh. Is this an award I’m getting, or am I being just awarded a Final Notice?
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO brits sweepstakes lottery International promotion UK programmes held on the 10TH OCTOBER 2005. Your email address attached to the ticket number 033-1146993-750 with serial number 13-15-16-21-34-36, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.
Excellent. More numbers attached to even more numbers. Not even that Machiavelli guy could get that clever.
Sure. OK. Third place is totally cool by me (since I can’t even remember buying a ticket anyway). Fourth place? Eight place? A trip to Vatulele? All hunky dory here baby, I ain’t lookin’ a gift cow in the mouth.
You have therefore been awarded the lump sum of £1.5MILLION (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) in cash credited to file number EG/38807886091/05.This is from the total cash prize off £150,000,000.00(ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) which is being shared among Ten international lucky winners in this category. Your funds are deposited with a security company, which will be insured in your name once you contact us.
Huzzah! It is money after all! Hey Mac, don’t you worry about insuring the money in my name. You just stick those buckaroonies in my bank account, and I’ll do all that icky legal stuff. I’m just so stoked to have such a totally unexpected windfall come my way. I really wouldn’t want you to go to any trouble or anything. It’s not like you’re getting anything outta this, except maybe a basic wage, right?
All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 email addresses from all over the world as a part of our international promotional program, which we conduct twice annually.
You do this twice annually. You give away 300 million British Pounds to randomly selected email addresses every year?
→ Short currency conversion break: £300 MILLION Sterling = $526.62 MILLION US = $700.10 MILLION Australian ←
(Excuse the caps again, but I just want to make it clear that we’re not talking peanuts here. Unless it huge motherfucking WETA Digital FX King Kong-sized peanuts†).
We hope that with a part of your prize, you will take part in our end of year high stake 3bn lottery.
Run that by me again? As well as giving away 300 MILLION POUNDS annually you also give away a further 3 BILLION POUNDS at the end of the year. Like as in 5.3 BILLION US DOLLARS? Like as in 7 BILLION AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS? Do you have any idea what you could buy in this part of the world for that kind of money? That’s right: EVERYTHING!
Including New Zealand. If you had a reason to want it.
It does beg the question of where all these readies are coming from. ‘Cause as I understand it, I didn’t actually buy anything, and you just selected me randomly from my email address, so Mac, you’re cashed up from exactly where? Last I heard, that kind of dosh only regularly changed hands when there was heavy armament involved. And, like, dictators with disposable countries.
And I don’t mean to sound greedy or anything, just having won 3.5 million bucks, but how come I wasn’t already in the end-of-year lotto, it being the end of year and all? I mean, I know I didn’t enter it, but I didn’t enter the £1.5MILL GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO either and I won that (sure, OK, third place, but I’d take third place on 7 billion if I was forced into it…)
See, I’d be happy to fork out for a few tickets in the 3bn lottery, but by the time we get all those bank transfers sorted out, well, it’s Christmas, all the shops close for the holiday, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, it’s a drag, the 3bn (ie 7 BILLION AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS… oops, sorry I almost wet myself) would have come in handy for the Christmas shopping, but whaddya gonna do? Maybe next year Mac old chum.
(Actually, when I think on it, a friend of mine might like New Zealand, not that it would be easy to wrap with that funny shape it has)
All prize money must be claimed no later than 14days from the date of this notice, as after this date, all funds will be returned to GRAPHICS LOTTO INTERNATIONAL‡ as unclaimed. To file for your claim, please contact our financial agent:
MR. MAC OWEN
* Sigh, yes, this is, alas, merely Spam Observation #19. I’m not really rolling in mounds of hundred dollar bills piled high like Autumn leaves. And I’m not yet sending the Cow off to the Big Meadow in the Sky. So you can put the Kleenex away. SpamOb #19 is remarkable in one aspect only – that Mac doesn’t suffer from Spammer Identity Confusion. Although he does have two titles, being Claims Manager and Director of the Prize Award Department. I think it’s a slippery slope.
† Alright, thank you, I’m aware gorillas don’t eat peanuts.
‡What the hell does a lottery have to do with GRAPHICS anyway? GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO? Nobody I know who works in graphics has got 7 billion dollars in loose change.
☆ Motza = Australian slang for a huge fucking shitload of cash.