Tetherd Cow Ahead

Yesterday saw the unprecedented simultaneous arrival in my inbox of not one but three new adventures of Simple Graphics Man.

In this first, sent to me by Atlas, SGM is really up against it. I mean really up against it. Between a rock and a hard place, it would seem. Or perhaps between a brick and a hard place. Whatever, his internal organs are certainly never going to be the same after this unfortunate altercation.

The next one, also from Atlas, apparently chronicles SGM’s employment as a ‘top man’ in the filing department of a certain government organization.

I hope he pushed from the middle! He’s not allowed to talk about that little incident, for obvious reasons. He doesn’t talk about the following little incident (sent in by Cissy Strutt) much either, for other obvious reasons.

Well, it could happen to anyone, right?

From today’s Sydney Morning Herald:

‘A large metallic ball has fallen out of the sky on a remote grassland in Namibia, prompting baffled authorities to contact NASA and the European space agency.’

The authorities in Namibia obviously are baffled easily, at least by technology. This is evidenced less by the fact that don’t know what this thing is, than that they don’t know how to use the internet. Within mere seconds of the above photograph appearing in the media the object had been identified⁽ⁱ⁾ by at least, oh, a thousand less-than-baffled people.

The best part of the AFP report, though, is this phrase:

‘It was made of a “metal alloy known to man” and weighed six kilograms, said police forensics director Paul Ludik.’

Is it just me, or is there a whimsical phantom ‘not’ lurking in that quoted description? To precis the whole event: a welded spherical object made by humans fell in the desert. Just how baffling is this, really, in an age where there are over three thousand satellites orbiting the earth and thousands of other flying craft ploughing through the atmosphere every day? Not very, is the considered TCA assessment.

Anyways, elsewhere in Namibia, a less-reported phenomenon occurred. This strange metal sphere, featuring a message in a language known to man (and woman, quite bizarrely) really has the experts baffled. I leave it with you to ponder its meaning.

Don’t be baffled for too long though. You’ll need all your wits about you come January 1.

Oh yes, my loyal Cowmrades. You didn’t really think I’d forget…?

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Footnotes:

1. It’s a hydrazine propellant tank, commonly used on satellite launch vehicles. [↩]

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Yeah, well, y’know. I’m just not sure I want these people tampering with my wiring.

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Thanks to Cissy Strutt for this great find.

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Photo taken in Downtown LA by the lovely Violet Towne.

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Acowlytes! The End of the World is nigh! Really! OK, yes, I know I’ve said it before, but this time it’s going to happen! I swear! And a full year before the Mayans said it would!⁽ⁱ⁾

On May 21st, 2011, according to a Christian broadcasting ministry called Family Radio, God is going to finally wipe the slate clean and remove from the face of the planet the festering disease that is humanity. ‘Judgment Day May 21, 2011. The Bible guarantees it!’ they holler – it’s written in no uncertain terms in Ezekiel 33:3!

Let’s just dial that up, shall we?

If when he seeth the sword come upon the land, he blow the trumpet, and warn the people.

Er… hmm. No May 21 date there, as near as I can tell. Just more of the same ol’ same ol’ as far as ‘end times’ prophecy goes. But Family Radio claims they have Infallible Proof of the date and they’ve set it all out here.⁽ⁱⁱ⁾ There you go. Judgment day written in stone for May 21, 2011.

Mark the day in your diary, because you can be sure we’ll be visiting them to get their explanation for the no show of God and his Heavenly Hosts. Will it be a mathematical error? Will it be a misinterpretation of the biblical prophecy? Or will it be that God has just given the lot of us away as a bunch of no-hoper losers?

Stay tuned to Tetherd Cow Ahead End Times Radio for the Countdown to Apocalypse!

(Seriously, I wonder how these people, many of whom have given up their entire former lives to ‘spread the word’, are going to cope when Judgment Day doesn’t happen. How does a brain resolve an absolute prediction like that not coming true?)

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Big thanks to Atlas for the find.

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Footnotes:

1. Dammit. I haven’t got my End TImes accomodation organized yet! I thought I had another whole year. [↩]
2. Really, don’t bother. Your brain will just collapse in on itself. [↩]

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