Tetherd Cow Ahead

OMG Acowlytes! German liquor company G-Spirits have announced their new line of alcoholic beverages: spirits poured over the breasts of naked models, and then rebottled for your drinking pleasure. Could there be a better example of sheer unadulterated opportunism genius?

To create the perfect taste, we let every single drop of our spirits run over the breasts of a special type of woman, a type we recognize in this liquor.

Lest you think this is some kind of marketing gag, let me assure you it’s not. How do I know? Because G-Spirits says so in their FAQ:

Is it true that the whole content of the bottle run over the breasts of the model?

G-Spirits: Yes, indeed! It´s not just a marketing gag.

And in case you are concerned about the hygienic aspects of the new G-Spirits line, rest assured – the entire process of splashing the booze across the eager models’ mammaries is ‘checked’ by ‘medical’ personnel. Oh, sorry, did I accidentally put some of those words in sarcasm quotes?

Yes, dear friends, I know your Cow Senses are tingling. What does all this add up to? A Cow Competition. With a prize. Who can possibly resist?

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Thanks to Atlas (who else) for digging this one up.

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Over the weekend, Violet Towne and I visited the Monash Gallery of Art to see an exhibition of photographs by Anton Bruehl. Bruehl was born in Australia, but made his career in New York where he became a favourite of the advertising world, creating photographs for Vanity Fair, Vogue and other high profile magazines. I always thought Bruehl was quite famous, but am dismayed to find that he doesn’t even rate a Wikipedia entry. You will almost certainly have seen his iconic photograph of Marlene Dietrich:

I really like Bruehl’s highly contrived and art-directed style and I think it has gone on to inform artists as diverse as David Lynch and Pierre et Gilles. The highlight of this exhibition for me, though, was some work Bruehl did for Vanity Fair, photographing the ‘Fashions of the Future’: clothing visions from designer Gilbert Rhodes. This is Rhodes’ speculation for the Man of the Future:

And here is that very man in the flesh, as realised by Rhodes and capture on film by Bruehl:

Is that awesome or what? The best thing here is, of course, that Rhodes got hardly any of it right. Well, I guess there is still a good part of the century to go, but you know what I’m saying… I suppose there are disposable socks (those ones they give you on planes) and the ‘antenna snatching radio out of the ether’ could charitably be interpreted to be the one in your iPhone, but the curly beard and the baggy onesie tucked into those disposable socks have yet to materialize. As for the utility belt, well, even Batman had trouble making that seem like a good idea.

I quite took to the Man of the Future’s jaunty disregard for anyone’s opinion of his haute couture, but I was rather more enamored of Rhodes’ vision for the Woman of the Future:

Alright! Now we’re talking!

I’m afraid, however, that I was so overcome by the prospect of what we bearded, antenna-sporting, disposable sock-wearing blokes have to look forward to in the next few years that my hand was shaking rather a lot when I tried to snap a shot of Rhodes’ and Bruehl’s vision of said woman.

It seems that, for a year or two at least, chaps, we’ll just have to live in anticipation.

My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it.⁽ⁱ⁾ This patent pending⁽ⁱⁱ⁾ formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician⁽ⁱⁱⁱ⁾ after she discovered her own genital color loss.^(iv)

You know, sometimes people think of such totally bizarre shit that I swear I couldn’t have concocted something like it if you’d given me an open brief and told me to totally weird out as many people as possible. I mean, tell me ladies, is this a thing? Do you ever lie awake at night worrying that your bits might not be the ‘right’ colour? Evidently Paramedical Esthetician and genital colorant innovator Karan Mari did. Either that or she had a particularly oafish and tactless boyfriend.^(v)

Anyways, if you’re in the market to polish up yer pink, you can hop right along to Amazon and put your $29.95 on the table. It looks like the Bettie and the Marilyn are selling fast, but there seem to be plenty of jars of the Audrey and the Ginger left.

Read the reviews while you’re there. They’re the best thing about the product, and very funny. Also very educational – I learned a new word.

Squack. (It has nothing to do with ducks).

Let the poetry commence.

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Via Regretsy (Where DIY Meets WTF?).

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Footnotes:

1. I was surprised to find there was ANY product like it. [↩]
2. Now there’s a patent I want to see… [↩]
3. Yes, apparently there really IS such a thing. [↩]
4. How does one just ‘discover’ that kind of thing, I ask myself? [↩]
5. “Honey, you know what? You just don’t look enough like a porn star. Isn’t there something you can do about that?” [↩]

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A life-size robotic girlfriend complete with artificial intelligence and flesh-like synthetic skin was introduced to adoring fans at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday. Roxxxy the sex robot had a coming-out party in Sin City at the weekend.

And doesn’t she look like the kind of gal you’d be proud to take home to mum? I have this horrific feeling she speaks with the insipid sing-song voice of the Telstra robot:

In just a few words, tell me what it is that you would like to do. Was that ‘clean the wainscoting? I’m sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you. Would you like to speak to a customer service representative?’

Roxxxy’s creator, Douglas Hines, of the company TrueCompanion, pictured above in what must be one of the creepiest images ever to grace The Melbourne Age, says of the “anatomically correct robot”⁽ⁱ⁾:

“She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook, but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean⁽ⁱⁱ⁾.”

Yes, I think we do know what you mean, Doug. You mean that of the three priorities one must have in a female friend – cooking, cleaning and screwing – she is good for one of them. If only you can perfect the other two, you’ll be raking in money faster than Roxxxy can gyrate her servo-mechanisms.

”She knows exactly what you like,” says Hines. ”If you like Porsches, she likes Porsches. If you like soccer, she likes soccer.” Roxxxy can chat with her flesh-and-blood mate, and touching her elicits a variety of comments.

I so want to be there to watch the reaction when the first customer takes one of these out of the box on Christmas morning.

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Footnotes:

1. Why do they always emphasise that these monstrosities are ‘anatomically correct’ when what they mean is that it has tits and orifices? As far as I can tell by the picture above, it’s anatomically a mutant – look at the hands! Look at the weird mouth! Anatomically correct? Sure if your template is the Bride of Wildenstein [↩]
2. Is anyone else getting a sort of porno Monty Python vibe here? [↩]

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He said what?

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Thanks to Atlas (who else?) for bringing this to the attention of The Cow.

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Well, as noted in the Comments on the Yuliya post, my Russian friend was very eager to get back in touch. I received her delightful correspondence within hours of firing off my reply:

Hello my dear friend Anaglyph!!!

Thanks a lot for your answer. I’m really happy. Well, I guess, my letter was a bit unexpected for you and maybe you were surprised. Frankly speaking for me all this is extraordinary, it is the first time I’ve come to the Internet cafe and used the Internet to meet a man. Well, I’m a little confused and even do not know what to start with.

As I have already said I’ve never used this means of communication before. When I saw your profile, I decided to write you as you are a handsome man. But I really didn’t expect that you would answer.
And now a few words about me. Well, my name is Yuliya, it is my full name, but my friends call me just Yulya. They say I’m a kind and generous person. I’m also a religious woman and go to church regularly. As you know, I’m 32. I used to be married but my husband died 3 years ago and now I live just with my dad. I’m quite a tall woman (170 sm) and weighs 55 kg. I was born on the first of June, 1976. I am Twins. And as it is the beginning of summer, I like when it is warm outside and all is green.
My favourite colour is red. I like tulips very much. These flowers are associated with spring and sun. They usually bloom in March. Like many women I also like roses.

I can call myself a backwoodsman as I was born in a far away Russian city Murom. To be more exact in a village nearby but after some time my parents decided to move to the city. After finishing the school I studied in State Pedagogical University at the faculty of History. At first I worked as a teacher in a school but for the last 4 years I’ve been working in a library. Though I do not earn a lot, I enjoy this job greatly. Sometimes I’ve got a chance to have some extra work, e.g. give some private lessons at home, and prepare students to exams and entering to some Institutions. However it is quite hard to combine all this as I work 5-6 days a week and from time to time I have to take some work home. Besides we’ve got a lot of extra events at work such as exhibitions, open classes, meeting with writers, poets and painters.

Well, I hope you are not bored reading all this. What else can I tell you?

As for my hobbies I’m fond of cooking very much. I’m really good at it and can imagine a great number of recipes. It is only necessary to have some free time, a lot of products and then I can cook a magnificent meal.

Well, I guess that is all in short. It is a very serious step in my life as I decided to get acquainted with a man, write him first and do all this with the help of the Internet. I just wanted to find my good fortune here. Anyway nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I just want you to know that I’m a very serious person and I’m not playing any games. I’m an educated middle aged woman and want to find a real man. It doesn’t matter how old he is, whether he is rich or not, the most important thing is to love and respect each other and all left can be gained together. Besides that is not important where he lives as I will come to him anywhere if I feel that he really needs me. However I’ve never been to other countries but do believe there can’t be any obstacles for a real love. Maybe I’m naive and still believe in love. But I am sure I’ll be happy.

Dear, Anaglyph I will look forward to getting your letter. Could you write me about yourself, your family, traditions, where you live, what countries you visited and what you know about Russia.

So, wish you all the best.
Take care.
Regards, your new friend from Russia, Yulya!

I replied post haste, this time in English. Let’s see if I can get her to actually read my letter, rather than fob me off with another generic reply:

Hello Gorgeous Yuliya!

May I call you Yulya at this early stage? I don’t want to get too personal, but even though I don’t know you well I feel already that we might become very good friends!

Yulya, your prompt reply made my heart leap! I thought that when I sent off my letter I might never hear from you again, since that has often been the way in my dealings with women. Imagine my surprise to find your letter and three photos when I checked my mail this morning. I must say, you are a very attractive woman, and do not look at all like you could be 32 years of age!

I am very interested to hear that you are a twin. I wonder if you have a picture of yourself and your sibling. Are you both girls, or is your twin a brother? Does your twin like double jokes, since you yourself do not seem so keen on them?

Yulya, I am concerned that you did not respond to my questions about humour in my other letter – did you like my joke? I wonder if it translates the same into Russian? Do they have Buddhism in Murom? Do they have hotdogs in Murom?

I am very pleased to hear that you attend church regularly. As you know, I am a Reverend at the Church of the Tetherd Cow and I have told my congregation about you. They are all very excited that I have found a new friend from Russia. It all seems so foreign to us! They are also very eager to hear more news from Murom.

Today was a great day for me Yulya – I received a telephone call from my agent in Argentina who says that the demand for chupacabras is very high at the moment, in spite of the global financial problems. He expects that I should be able to send two shipments from my farm in Ireland this year – that should mean a very good profit for my company!

I loved seeing your pictures and would like to see more! I have included some pictures of me this time – there is one of me on my farm (chupacabras in background – yes, I am very brave to be so close!).

I have also sent you a couple of other pictures of me, all taken this year (I guess you have seen some of them on my profile).

Don’t worry about the other people in the photographs – they are very dishonest people who have been quite hurtful to me in this last year. That is a part of my life that I don’t want to think about too much now, so I won’t go into that. Let’s just say that that these people have cheated me out of a large amount of money and that I expect it to be returned soon when the trial finishes.

Well Yulya, I had best finish up for the moment. I need to go out on the farm and feed some babies to the chupacabras. It’s very hard work, but it pays well, so I don’t complain. I hope this finds you well, and I would love to hear more about you and all parts of your life.

Your new friend
Reverend Anaglyph
Church of the Tetherd Cow

PS – You asked what I know about Russia, and I have to say ‘Not very much!’ As you know, I was quite surprised to read your email, not having actually written to anyone in Russia.

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Just in case anyone is concerned that ‘Yuliya’ is a real person, let me assure you that she is not. The address that she first contacted me on is one of my public email addresses that is spammed about three or four hundred times a day. ‘Yuliya’s’ letter is only one of dozens like this that I’ve read. At the very least ‘she’ is being duplicitous (she never ‘saw my profile’ anywhere, nor got my email address through any legitimate channels), and I fully expect her to ask me for money in one or two emails. I detest scammers and fraudsters of all breeds, so I have no compunction making her the butt of Cow humour.

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