Tetherd Cow Ahead

This was a Christmas present for me from Viridian. Do you think my stepdaughters know me well?

And with a bumper sticker like that, well, how could you be anything but the coolest dude in town?

An Australian friend of mine who now resides permanently in northern California was bemoaning to me yesterday that Americans don’t really seem to get the concept of the Christmas plum pudding. So for the education of my US readers, and for the nostalgia for my Australian readers, some reminiscences on the subject.

In my family’s celebrations, the plum pudding was an essential finale to the Christmas dinner. Let me set the scene for you so you can imagine the surreal experience of Christmas in Australia:

To begin with, you should understand that, because it is the middle of our summer, it is usually very hot here at Christmas (sometimes VERY hot; I remember one year at my parents’ place where the thermometer was creeping above 38ºC (100ºF) – and that wasn’t the one in the turkey).⁽ⁱ⁾ But because of the English & European ancestry of most Australians, at Christmas we still surround ourselves with the icons of a Northern Hemisphere festival: decorated pine trees⁽ⁱⁱ⁾, images of snow and snowmen, songs about chestnuts and open fires and big servings of totally inappropriate food, like roast turkey with potatoes and baked ham. Some years we attempt to escape from the shackles of a heritage that has well and truly outlived its welcome. This year it was our turn to host the Christmas lunch and we suggested that a barbecue & salads might be a nice idea but the looks of dismay and betrayal on the faces of relatives was so great that we caved in and did the turkey and potatoes. It’s mighty hard work flying in the face of tradition.

And I have to confess, even though I could forego most of the other stuff, I would really miss the plum pudding.

When I was a kid, the plum pudding was brought to the table aglow with blue brandy-fuelled flames. We were served generous slices smothered in custard and icecream. But the best part by far was that some fortunate person would get the ‘lucky’ sixpence or threepence hidden somewhere inside. Even though the the tradition of the plum pudding probably comes from the early nineteenth century, the notion of ‘lucky coins’ or ‘touch pieces’ probably reaches back as far as medieval times. In our case, the coin was always a pre-war minted sixpence, which was suitable to be cooked in a pudding owing to its high silver content (about 98%). After the war the coins were minted with about 50% copper, and could no longer be used.⁽ⁱⁱⁱ⁾

When decimal currency was introduced in Australia in 1966, the copper content went to above 75% and so they were right out.^(iv) Nevertheless, someone still always got a lucky coin – I later found out that it was slipped into the pudding just before serving, to avoid the probable copper contamination.

The plum pudding in the picture above was made by my mother-in-law and is truly excellent. Very fortunately for me, the rest of the family, completely stuffed from the turkey and roast potatoes, hardly ate any of it at Christmas dinner, so most of it is sitting in our fridge being whittled slowly away by moi.
_________________________________________________________________________
Footnotes:

1. On that particular day, bushfires raged on three sides of us and the air was black with smoke and soot. [↩]
2. In our case the ubiquitous pinus radiata [↩]
3. I remember that if we got the sixpence in the pudding, we had to ‘trade’ it with mum & dad, or our grandparents, ‘for luck’. Thinking back on it, the probability is that they kept a pre-war sixpence for the pudding, and traded it with a coin of recent minting that the lucky finder could go and spend [↩]
4. Interesting tidbit from Wikipedi: “In May 2007, owing to the high market value of copper and nickel, the bullion value of the Australian 5c coin was about 6.5 cents, though there were no reported cases of hoarding or melting down of the coins despite the apparent 30% gross profit to be made from doing so.” [↩]

_________________________________________________________________________

Over-enthusiastic salesman in shop during Xmas madness:

This is a unisex scent, and both men and women can use it too.

Well then, Merry Acowlytes. It’s the time of year again when visions of sugar plums dance in the heads of dreaming children, little drummer boys go parrum-a-pum-pum, partridges perch in pear trees and countless other similar surreal events unfold.

There’s no way The Cow can begin to compete with the many bizarre spectacles of Christmas, so it remains for me to simply wish you all a Merry Yuletide, and the best of all things as we approach 2010. Thanks for all your wit, wisdom and humour (I use all those words advisedly) in 2009, and make sure you’re here at The Cow to ring in the new on January 1! You know you’ll have to hand in your medals if you’re not. That means you too, Tom.

Hristos se rod!
Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom!
Feliz Natal!
Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa!
Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto!
Gledileg Jol!

___________________________________________________________________________

I don’t expect many of you to get the joke in the cartoon above. But for those who remember the tedious long religious carol services of our youth, there should be a laugh. I hope.

___________________________________________________________________________

Ah yes, dear Acowlytes, it is true. Our old friends Steorn have emerged once more from their mossy grotto in the depths of leprechaun country with more tales of a wonderful pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow. Quite incredibly, the Irish swindlers (who I expected to have vanished long ago into the annals of failed perpetual motion ventures) are again attempting to get people with money to part with it on the strength of their brainless ‘Orbo’ – a gadget that, to speak technically for a moment, retrieves fairy dust from the Caverns of Tinkerbellius and turns it into electricity.

This time, they have struck on a novel new approach to their answering their critics (no, it’s not scientific evidence – don’t get excited). They have released a video on YouTube that is designed to ridicule all those who have in the past ridiculed them! Brilliant! Instead of merely demonstrating that their machine actually does what they claim (which would have been the definitive answer to pretty much any criticism) they have spent money on an expensive version of ‘Nyah nyah nyah – does SO work!’⁽ⁱ⁾

‘But surely Reverend,’ I here you exclaim in disbelief, ‘Steorn can’t just keep stringing people along ad infinitum on the whiff of a promise of their magical device delivering the goods?!’

‘Hahahahaha, my keen young Acowlyte,’ I say, patting you on the head, ‘One would think not in this world chock full of rationalism and commonsense! But if you go to this page on the Steorn site, you will see that for a small scattering of coins into their coffers, Steorn will offer to let you in on their magical secret by way of their Steorn Knowledge Development Base, or SKBD!’

Yes, that’s right. Once more, instead of just showing everyone that they have some real science, they are going to eke out (in tiny pay-as-you-go increments over a long period of time, no doubt) tantalising tidbits about how Orbo is really cool, and stuff, and y’know, awesome and gee-whiz and OMG – this is mind-blowing! and wow, can you believe it? and this is going to change the way we think about energy and on and on and on and on and on and on…

Wind some religion into all this and before you know it Steorn will be an Irish version of Scientology.

Just what the world needs.

___________________________________________________________________________

*Imagining things doesn’t make them possible. No matter how hard you imagine.

___________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________
Footnotes:

1. I am somewhat miffed that Steorn had a go at Engadget and Wired for dissing them, but left out some of my excellent sarcasm… [↩]

_________________________________________________________________________

A little while back (oh my – I see it was just over a year!) I posted up some still images from my short experimental movie Microspore, but as I mentioned at the time, I was having some difficulty making it acceptably viewable in a format other than the very high resolution 10 gigabyte file that it’s rendered to.

I’ve been doing a bit of experimentation and I’m pleased to be able to show it to you now in reasonable quality. Be warned though, this is still a (relatively) massive file (about 250m) so it’s not for the faint-hearted. It’s still only a shadow of the beautiful hi-rez version, but at least it’s now watchable.

Everything you see – the critters themselves, the dirt, the distortion, the colours and the motion – is the result of reasonably simple math algorithms that I’ve constructed. The sound is also mine. If you can be patient, I recommend letting the complete movie load before you hit play – it sort of ruins the floating effect somewhat if you stop & start…

UPDATE: For some puzzling technical reason there’s a problem with the vid. I will investigate and repost.

Good morning Acowlytes. Today on The Cow we are going to have a science lesson. No, no, sit down there Joey, it’s not the kind where we make a miniature volcano and gas all the eighth grade on the top floor of C Block with sulphur – this is a lesson about science. Specifically, about how science works, and why it is different from, oh, just making stuff up.

As usual for a science lesson, I have some visual aids.

First of all here is a rabbit’s foot:⁽ⁱ⁾

A rabbit’s foot is what most rational modern people regard as a superstitious curio. The rabbit’s foot accrued its status as a ‘lucky’ object because in very ancient times the European Celts considered rabbits as sacred animals. Using a kind of logic that is mostly these days reserved for young children, the Celts figured that if the rabbit itself was lucky, then bits of the rabbit were lucky too.

Of course, there is no science at all behind this notion. A rabbit’s foot is an object that, no matter what people convince themselves to believe, does absolutely nothing at all.⁽ⁱⁱ⁾ You can tell me you think it brings ‘good luck’, and even that you did a scientific study that shows, to your satisfaction, that it does what you claim, but (here’s the crucial thing about science): until your study is reproduced, under controlled situations, and in double-blind experiments by a third (preferably unbiased) party your claim is absolutely meaningless.

What exactly does all that mean? Let’s look at the bits:

Reproduceability: Well, obviously, if I can’t get the same results as you do, there is something seriously wrong with your idea; if you say your rabbit’s foot brings luck, and I don’t experience any luck while holding it, then how do we explain that?

Controlled Situation: This has a very rigorous meaning in science. Scientists spend a LOT of time perfecting controls, because they are crucial to experimental protocol. To put it simply, a good control is one that is completely free from the possible effects of the experiment. Not only that, a good control must be free of other artifacts that could be mistaken for possible effects of the experiment.

Double-Blind Procedure: When you have a vested interest in proving that your hypothesis is valid, you may, consciously or unconsciously, effect the outcome of the study. For this reason, scientists have come up with a very clever concept which ensures that neither the person conducting the experiment, nor anyone involved in collating the results of the experiment, know exactly what data they are handling until after the experiment is concluded. At that time, the double-blind protocol is decoded and the data is matched to the experimental procedure.

An Unbiased Third Party: Being able to convince others that your results are persuasive is a crucial part of the scientific method. That’s why the protocols I’ve outlined above are so important. If two or more groups of experimenters conduct the same study under the those conditions, and they get results that match yours, well then voila! – you have yourself a nicely working model! The really great thing about science is that if you disagree with someone’s hypothesis, you can perform the experiment yourself, under the same conditions! This is how we know so much of what we now know – this is why we no longer have smallpox, why diabetics can live a normal life, and why we know to keep ourselves clean to avoid contracting disease.

We could easily design an experimental protocol to test if rabbit’s foot charms are really ‘lucky’ but I think most normal people will accept that they are nothing more than a diverting superstition. But the lure of the talisman or amulet is a very strong one.

Which brings us to my second visual aid:

It is called a Shoo!TAG™ Essentially, until some scientific proof to the contrary is forthcoming,⁽ⁱⁱⁱ⁾ the Shoo!TAG™ is exactly the same as the rabbit’s foot, ie, a functionless tsotchke. This is despite the personal testimony of its inventors, no matter how enthusiastically they spruik it:

As a founder and co-developer of the Shoo!TAG™ I was looking for a non-toxic “green” alternative for controlling fleas and ticks on our dogs and cats and flies and mosquitoes on my horses and milk cow. When the finished prototypes were ready, I picked two dogs and one horse and cow for the first trials and put a Shoo!TAG™ on them. Within 36 hours, the dogs wearing a Shoo!TAG™ had a noticeable reduction in fleas and ticks. In addition, those pests still on the dogs were staying on top of the hair, moving slowly and easily picked off. I also observed that the dogs with a Shoo!TAG™ did not scratch or bite at themselves, unlike the two dogs not wearing a Shoo!TAG™ . The horse and cow wearing a Shoo!TAG™ had a dramatic reduction in flies. After two weeks observation, I tagged the other animals so they could receive the same comfort and benefit. Again, after 36 hours, all newly tagged dogs, horse and cow demonstrated the same reduction in pest problems as the test group did. I knew then we had a winner!

-Kathy M. Heiney, Wimberley, TX
Developer and Founder of Energetic Solutions, Ltd. and Shoo!TAG™

This, explicitly, is not science. Merely saying ‘you saw’ some results is exactly the same as saying “My lucky rabbit’s foot won me the lottery!” Until you set up a controlled, double-blind experiment, you’re not offering evidence, you’re just tendering an anecdote.

Nor is any of the ‘explanation’ of the supposed mechanics of Shoo!TAG™ offered on the Shoo!TAG™ site under the tab called ‘Science’, actually anything of the sort. You don’t get to call yourself a scientist just because you know words like ‘quantum’ and ‘electromagnetic’.^(iv)

Lately I’ve been pretty much resolved to letting Shoo!TAG™ take its place in the Museum of Cow Lore – something for us all to wheel out every now and then as an in-joke. Dumb pieces of pseudoscientific trash like Shoo!TAG™ tend to flourish in the United Flakey States of America, where 45% percent of people believe the Bible is the literal word of God, and some 20% believe in angels. It truly belongs there.

But this week Atlas informed me that Shoo!TAG™ now has an Australian web domain, and I see on it that they have some several dozen Australian suppliers, as well as Australian offices and representation.

They’re on my turf now.

_________________________________________________________________________
Footnotes:

1. Rabbit’s foot picture borrowed from The Skeptiseum – I didn’t think they’d mind [↩]
2. …well, after it’s removed from the rabbit, obviously. [↩]
3. Hahahahaha! It is to laugh! [↩]
4. It is significant, in my opinion, that since I criticized the Shoo!TAG inventors’ claim to have had their science published in the (non-existant) Quantum Agriculture Journal, they have removed all references and links to the pdf which purportedly originated in that journal. Their allegiance to the dubious ‘Professor William Nelson’ has also evidently waned – he no longer features as their ‘voice of authority’ anywhere on the site. [↩]

_________________________________________________________________________

Spammer Intelligence Test #1

This communiqué arrived in my inbox this morning:

From: David Skarlsson
Subject: Classified-Proposition
Date: 4 December 2009 7:37:01 PM
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Reply-To: dskarlsson7@live.co.uk

HELLO FRIEND,

PLEASE BEAR WITH ME FOR NOW AND DO NOT ASK MY NAME. WHAT I HAVE MAY BE OF INTEREST TO YOU. IT IS A BUSINESS PROPOSAL THAT WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO YOU AND I.

(I have a million dollars you can have if you give me your bank details, etc, etc, etc).

PLEASE TREAT THIS AS CONFIDENTIAL, URGENT AND OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE.
PLEASE RESPOND ONLY VIA: dskarlsson@live.co.uk